


Only You

by SeraphStarshine



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Also please remember I am American, Anal Fingering, Anal Play, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Cheating, Choking, Drama, Drug and Alcohol Use, Eventual Smut, Hand Jobs, Hidden Feelings, I am doing my best not to fuck up the wording in this but it will happen, M/M, Masturbation, Nipple Play, Slow Updates, Touring, i don't really know where i am going with this, i have also never written in the present tense before so be kind to me, suppressed jealousy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:59:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 81,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5803639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeraphStarshine/pseuds/SeraphStarshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matty thought he knew himself, but after an unexpected breakup and a surprising proposal from his best friend, Matty finds his preconceived notions shattering in the span of a few days. </p><p>He has no idea who he is anymore, especially regarding who he's attracted to, but with his busy schedule and a string of seemingly never ending shows, he isn't left with much time to ponder it. </p><p>It really shouldn't matter anyway, and Matty's trying to convince himself that it doesn't, but the one thing that does matter is George, and the constant fear of damaging their friendship keeps Matty from exploring the newly revealed path that is extending before him, pushing him down other avenues that he assumed he had escaped from long ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Hear You Calling Out My Name

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this while listening to Only You by Cartel, hence the title, and even though starting another story is the last thing I should be doing right now, there is a serious lack of Matty and George fanfiction in the world, and I am doing my part to change that.
> 
> This is lowkey inspired by the fic Am I More Than You Bargained For Yet by Nacre_Voit. I seriously adore their works so much, and although I can never write as well as them, they really encouraged me to start this in the hopes that I can produce something half as good as they have one day.
> 
> I am going to attempt to write this in present tense, because I like reading fics that are written that way, but I have never done this before, so be kind to me if I completely screw it up, which may very well happen.
> 
> Also, I have a vague idea for where this is going, but I have no definite plans for how long it will be, or the actual ending, and because of that, the updates will probably be all over the place given the fact that I have a ton of other stories in progress right now, so I don’t want them to suffer because of this. I debated waiting to post this until I had more written or until I finished one of my other books, but I really want to start this, so I apologize in advance for what will probably be a complete lack of a schedule concerning this fic.
> 
> And just to be safe, I obviously don't own or have any knowledge about the 1975, and even though some things may mirror real events, the timeline will not be accurate at all, so please keep in mind that this is entirely fiction.

The second George steps into his flat, he knows that something is wrong, even before he hears the stuttering sobs coming from the other room.

The alcohol he consumed earlier on in the evening hasn't dulled his senses to the extent that he can't feel the odd disruption in the air, and once the noises hit his ear, he is assured that he isn't being robbed or something else similarly life-threatening, not unless the intruder decided to have an emotional breakdown in the middle of his heist, which although possible, it's highly unlikely that he's in any real danger.

It only takes George until the second expulsion of sound to realize that Matty is here. He would know that particular cry anywhere, and even though he thought Matty had plans for the evening, things have obviously changed while he had been absent.

"Matty - you okay mate?" George calls out worriedly, dropping the box of pizza he managed to snag from Ross' place before hurrying into the main room, his eyes immediately falling onto the outline of his best friend who is currently huddled up on his sofa, one of the throw blankets George never uses tugged over him haphazardly.

"George?" Matty gasps weakly, his bloodshot gaze meeting George's for a brief moment before it's buried into the starchy pillow which George hates but he never got around to throwing away once more.

"Yeah - it's me, I'm right here," George assures Matty, squeezing himself into the free space that hasn't already been consumed by Matty's sprawled out limbs before wrapping his arms around him, pulling the smaller man into his chest as his sobs renew themselves, shaking both of them with their intensity.

George wants to ask Matty what happened, even though he can already fathom a guess. Matty was supposed to be with Gemma tonight, which is why he had turned down Ross' invitation to his house party, so that could only mean that something had gone wrong with the two of them, leaving Matty in his current inconsolable state.

George keeps silent as Matty continues to weep brokenly, pressing his palm against his spine as he hunches inward, burying his face into George's shirt, muffling his cries slightly in the process.

George begins humming in what he hopes is a comforting manner, ignoring how damp his jumper is getting as his hand trails up to Matty's hair, stroking the askew curls absentmindedly as a plethora of distressed sounds escape from Matty's throat.

"She's left me George," Matty manages to spit out eventually, the admission sending him into another round of tears that have now reached the point of sounding borderline painful.

Matty's chest heaves up and down as his lungs try to remember how to accept oxygen while under such strain, and George feels a phantom ache twisting along his ribcage in response.

George is used to this by now, as much as he wishes he wasn't, but this isn't the first time that Matty has shown up at George's door after having his heart broken, which means that he knows exactly how to deal with Matty when he gets like this.

Sometimes Matty needs to be pried continuously before he will open up, otherwise he'll let whatever is eating away at him fester inside until it drives him insane, but in instances like this, it's best to stay quiet, to let Matty say his piece while comforting him with touch instead of words.

Matty won't listen to logic while he's this upset anyway, so George would only be wasting his breath if he attempted to reason with Matty right now.

"It'll be okay mate," George mumbles softly, making note of the way Matty's choked sobs are already starting to fade into sniffles, leaving him to wonder how long Matty was crying alone in his flat before George had finally arrived. It was unusual for the older man to regain his composure so quickly, not that George is complaining at all. "Here - take off your jacket at least," George sighs when Matty twists slightly, sending the blanket tumbling to the floor, revealing his outfit which is now rumpled all to hell.

Matty protests the entire time as George drags the leather fabric over his thin shoulders, tossing the article of clothing to the ground once Matty manages to get his arms free.

"Thanks," Matty mumbles thickly, the distraction stopping his tears for the time being, much to George's relief.

"Can't have you overheating," George scoffs playfully, rearranging their positions so that Matty's half in his lap, his hair tickling his nose when Matty leans back against him heavily.

"Fuck off," Matty huffs, his long fingers twisting together nervously. "I meant for calming me down, not undressing me."

George simply laughs in response, trying to pick his next words carefully so he doesn't send Matty spiraling into hysterics again.

"I have weed if you want," George offers, knowing that the high will soothe Matty more than anything else he can do for him right now.

"I think you can guess the answer to that," Matty chuckles wryly before removing himself from George's legs, allowing the other man to stand up and retrieve the necessary items so he can start rolling a joint for the two of them to share. "Sorry by the way for showing up out of the blue. Forgot you would be at Ross' place, so I sort of let myself in."

George resists the urge to roll his eyes, because if he hadn't wanted Matty to have access to his flat when he wasn't around, he wouldn't have given him a key to it in the first place.

"It's no problem," George waves Matty's apology off, feeling around in his pocket for a lighter as he speaks. "You could have called me though, I would have left if you needed me to."

"I know," Matty sighs, his gaze still cast downward as he pulls his knees up toward his chest in a protective gesture. "I just didn't want to be a bother."

"You idiot," George chastises him affectionately, offering the spiff to Matty once he's finished with it, "you know you aren't." Matty remains silent, holding the flame to the tip of the joint as he inhales deeply, his muscles relaxing as the acrid smoke is pulled into his lungs. "Do you want to talk about it?" George suggests warily.

He's can tell that Matty isn't entirely stable at the moment, and maybe it would be best not to ask, but he can't stop himself from seeking for some clarification on what exactly had occurred.

"I'm not sure," Matty mutters sullenly, his voice going soft as he turns his head to stare in the direction of the television which is displaying nothing besides a black screen. "It was fine at first," Matty continues just when George is debating on retracting his query. "I took her out to dinner, we had a lovely time, but then when we arrived back at my place, the tour got brought up somehow, and she snapped. Said she was tired of only seeing me for a handful of weeks out of the year, and we needed to make some changes or she was gone."

"Oh," George grunts, not sure what to say in response to that, because if he looks at their relationship from Gemma's perspective, she has a point, even if it is a bit unfair on Matty, but at the same time, he had assumed she understood that music came first to Matty, that's just the way it would always be, and at the end of the day, he's going to side with his best friend no matter who is technically in the wrong.

"I offered for her to come with us," Matty adds on almost casually, shocking George with the information since Matty has never been committed enough to extend such an invitation to another person, but apparently his feelings for Gemma ran deeper than George realized.

"And she said no?"

"Yeah...not that I really expected her to accept, I mean - her job is here, her _life_ is here, but I didn't know what else to do," Matty groans, the pads of his fingers rubbing at the skin surrounding his temples harshly. "That set her off though. I was only trying to be nice, but she said she'd rather not have to be waiting for me to come back to the bus while I cheat on her in a nearby hotel room - something like that. I don't know, I got angry then, she told me she was done, and well - here I am."

George swallows down the comment on the tip of his tongue, because even though Matty never explicitly told him in so many words, it was sort of obvious that he wasn't entirely faithful to Gemma, especially not when the band was on the road.

He knows for a fact that something had gone on with Halsey at the very least, although Matty remains tight lipped about it to this day, but George isn't a complete idiot, so he holds onto his unnecessary input.

Matty doesn't need his mistakes thrown back in his face right now, and if his expression is any indicator, he's already dealing with enough guilt as it is.

"I'm sorry," George finally settles on saying, even though apologies aren't going to fix anything, but he is trying here.

Matty shoots him a grateful smile in response as soon as he passes him the joint, so George must be doing something right.

"It's fine - well, actually it's _not_ , but can we chat about something else for a bit?" Matty asks, which George knows is code for _'we need to change the subject before I start crying again'_ , and he is more than happy to do just that.

"Why don't you pick out a movie while I heat up the pizza I got from Ross' place," George offers, some of the bands of tension which had been gripping his heart since he first found Matty crying loosening up as Matty grins in response, the tear tracks on his cheeks only marring the happy gesture slightly.

~~~

George ends up calling it a night after a second joint and a quite a few slices of pizza, leaving Matty on the sofa once the older man declines his offer of being set up in the spare room, saying he was going to watch some television for a bit longer before teasing George about getting old, even though it is nearing one in the morning now, which is a perfectly valid time to begin pleading tiredness in George's opinion.

George falls asleep quickly, the emotionally taxing evening coupled with the drinking at Ross' party has left him drained and exhausted, but it seems that George has only just closed his eyes when they are snapping open again, his pupils dilating as he tries to adjust his vision to the smothering darkness that surrounds him.

After checking the clock to his left, George sees that is barely past four, leaving him confused about why the hell he is suddenly so wide awake.

George isn't like Matty who hardly seems to rest at all some days, but after five minutes of pointlessly squeezing his lids shut in the hopes of dozing back off, George gets up, deciding to go check on Matty while maybe snagging himself a glass of water to remove the cottony taste coating the inner walls of his mouth.

George glances into the guest bedroom, but the sheets are smoothed and untouched, meaning that Matty most likely chose to crash on the sofa, either that, or he went home, but George thinks that the second possibility is unlikely.

Matty doesn't like to be alone after a breakup, and George can sense that he is still here somewhere. He isn't sure how, but his home feels different when Matty's in it, and even though George can't describe the change in atmosphere with coherent sentences, he knows he likes it.

George pads into the living room quietly, trying his best not to disturb Matty with his late night wanderings, but as soon as he peeks over the back of the cushions discretely, he can tell that Matty is awake without needing to see his face.

His stiff shoulders give it away, not to mention the soft tremors that slowly snake their way down his spine, the silent clues alerting George to the fact that Matty is crying again.

George's chest clenches painfully as he observes Matty, because although he hadn't expected Matty to move on in a matter of hours, he had seemed so much better before George had parted ways with him to catch some shut eye, but apparently that wasn't the case, leaving George feeling guilty for abandoning his best friend when he needed him most.

George forces himself to walk into the kitchen before approaching Matty, not wanting the older man to discover George spying on him.

He hums absentmindedly while filling a nearby cup from the tap, making sure to produce a decent amount of noise so Matty will be aware that he is no longer the only person up at this hour.

When George hears a soft whimper, he immediately drops what he's doing and rushes over to Matty's side, knowing that the sound is Matty's way of asking for company. He won't say it with words, but if he wanted George to leave him be, he would have remained quiet, and George has become an expert at picking up on Matty's non-verbal cues over the past few years.

George rounds the corner quickly, the glow from the television which is playing on mute in the background highlighting Matty's swollen eyes and quivering mouth. Silent tears are streaking down his cheeks once more, and George has to physically restrain himself from leaning down and wiping them away with his thumb.

Matty doesn't react to George's sudden appearance, only his tightened grip on the throw blanket which he has wrapped around himself again lets George know he is aware of what is going on.

Matty is still shivering slightly, even under the covering, and George isn't sure if the action is caused by the cold or Matty's emotions, but he assumes it is a combination of both.

"Come here mate," George commands, not giving Matty a chance to protest before he picks him up, his weight barely registering as George hooks his arms under his knees, lifting him from the sofa easily. "You're staying with me for the rest of the night," George informs him, listening to see if Matty is going to try and argue, but he doesn't say a word. Instead, he curls up in George's hold, burrowing into his chest as a deep sigh falls from his parted lips.

Sharing a bed is an old habit of theirs that George knows will cheer Matty up instantly. He likes the company even if the need for using one mattress has been eliminated now that they have separate flats.

Sometimes George misses the days when he would crawl under the sheets with Matty every night, and he has a feeling that Matty does too since he typically ends up there whenever he stays over at George's place.

"Did I wake you?" Matty asks when they reach the doorway to George's room, his voice emitting hoarse and weak as he turns his head slightly, his curls dragging over George's bare arm in the process.

"No, just couldn't sleep," George shrugs, gently setting Matty on the edge of the bed before moving over to the other side, not mentioning that his worry for Matty _might_ have something to do with his current restlessness.

"Well that's a first." Matty makes an effort to inject a teasing lilt to his tone, but his sentence is broken up by a soft sniffle that he tries his best to hide.

"Fuck off," George smiles despite himself, too tired to argue against Matty's mood swings which aren't an unusual occurrence.

"Why'd you bring me in here if you're only going to bully me? Should have stayed on the sofa after all," Matty giggles in an effort to show George he's fine even though it's blatantly obvious that he's not.

Matty always tries to act strong when around others, and although George knows that he can wear Matty down if he puts some effort into it, he's tired, and Matty will benefit from some shut eye more than he would if they stayed up talking about his feelings.

"Get under the blankets you idiot, your feet are like ice cubes," George hisses when Matty shifts closer to him, shoving the smaller man aside so he can tug the duvet free before settling back down, his arm automatically lifting up to give Matty space to nestle against his side.

"Not my fault your house is freezing," Matty mumbles in reply, his words muffled by the pillow his face is half buried in, but George still understands him. He also doesn't miss the way Matty's breathing is starting to hiccup, which is a warning sign of more sobs on the way.

"It's gonna be okay Matty," George whispers, tightening his hold on the older man as Matty nods slowly, trying to regain control of himself before he breaks down again, his hair brushing against George's cheek with the movement.

"You're right...'m just - it _hurts_ you know?" Matty chokes out, one of his hands curling around George's larger one as he speaks, inspiring George to lace his fingers with Matty's, his thumb stroking up and down over his knuckles until the tension radiating from his frame begins to lessen bit by bit.

"I've got you," George replies with, not knowing what else to say besides to remind Matty that he isn't alone in this.

He rests his chin on Matty's head as he brackets him with his body, knowing that Matty likes the comfort of feeling another person's touch when he is this distraught.

George continues to whisper about anything that pops into his head as Matty begins to cry softly, but he quickly tires himself out, his legs entangling with George's as he pulls their conjoined hands up to his chest before huddling in around them, his heart beating steadily against George's palm as Matty finally quiets down, his soft exhalations the only sound filling the otherwise silent room.

George doesn't dare try and extricate himself from his position pressed against Matty's spine, he's too terrified that he'll wake him again if he does, and Matty doesn't get nearly enough rest as it is.

Even though it isn't the most convenient sleeping arrangement given the fact that Matty is basically locking him into place with his limbs, George is enjoying the slight heat emanating from Matty's small frame, and if George is being completely honest with himself, he doesn't really want to move, even if he had a guarantee that Matty wouldn't be disturbed by it.

George isn't sure why he is comfortable being so physical with Matty, but it has never bothered him.

It isn't something he does with anyone else, minus his past girlfriends, and he is well aware that most mates wouldn't be doing this - sleeping in the same bed while basically spooning that is, but he and Matty have always been exceptionally close, and despite the teasing remarks they sometimes receive from Ross and Adam, he doesn't really mind.

In fact, George is glad that he gets to be this person for Matty, because he needs someone to keep him together when his world falls down around him, even if he won't admit it in so many words.

George knows that he would do anything for the older man, _hell_ \- he would take a bullet for him, so holding him when he's distraught is almost instinctual by this point, no matter how odd it might seem from an outsider's perspective.

And even though George doesn't consider himself a truly physical person, he finds that he craves those things from Matty; the random bouts of time when they join hands for no reason, the urge to push his hair back from his face when it begins to get in his eyes, the drawn out hugs, choosing to sleep in the same bed with him even though there's two perfectly good mattresses in the room.

These little occurrences make George feel special - _important_ even, and since Matty's approval means the world to him, George treasures each of those moments, hoarding them close to his chest during the hours when Matty isn't around, although most of this process happens unknowingly.

By this point, George's brain is clouding over with the need for sleep, and he is much too out of it to decipher where his brain is going with this train of thought, so with the aroma of Matty's shampoo filling his senses, George allows his eyes to slip closed, nuzzling gently against Matty's neck as he finally manages to fall back into a peaceful sleep with his best friend firmly pressing against his side.


	2. My Lungs Collapse And You Pull Me Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was not supposed to be this short, but it is only a chunk of what I had originally written for this update. I have about 7k words already typed out, and I'm not done with it yet, but I am not very good at following through with long chapters, so I decided to cut it off here so I would stop stressing myself out about finishing it and I can take my time and make sure the rest of it comes out how I want it to be.
> 
> The next part of this is already getting close to being done, but I might break it up one more time depending on how long it takes me to knock out the rest of this, we shall see, but there is most likely another update coming on this soon.

Matty mopes around George's flat for almost a week before George snaps, spending the majority of his time eating George out of house and home when he isn't glued to his phone, trying to work things out with Gem, but getting nowhere in that endeavor.

Matty isn't stupid enough to believe that he can manage to convince Gemma to retract her decision to leave him, but he can't force himself to accept it just yet either. He needs an explanation - a _better_ one that is, or a sign that they might still have a chance somewhere further down the line.

Matty knows he's only searching for a way out of the cavern of self pity he has tumbled into ever since Gemma had uttered the words that had ended their relationship, but that doesn't stop him from texting her entirely too often as well as practically stalking her social media accounts.

Matty lies to George every time he inquires into why he's spending so many hours staring at the screen of his device, but Matty doesn't need to see George's disbelieving expression to know that he isn't buying it for a second.

George is patient at first, putting up with Matty's sullen behavior and his random bouts of sobbing interspersed with irrational anger, along with basically every emotion in between.

He only forces Matty to return to his own place once under the pretense of checking his post or something ridiculous like that, and although Matty knows that he should have taken the hint and let George have his house back for a few nights, he can't stand the idea of being alone right now, and George doesn't seem at all surprised when Matty shows back up barely an hour later with half his wardrobe stuffed into an oversized bag.

The guilt that Matty's feels from taking over George's life is minimal, because no matter how often George grumbles under his breath when he trips over a pair of Matty's discarded shoes, or when he finds used filters left in the coffee machine, Matty doesn't miss the hidden smile constantly tugging at George's lips, and he instinctually knows that George doesn't mind his extended presence, _in fact_ \- he seems to be enjoying it for the most part.

On the rare occasions when Matty feels up for more than holding back tears and lying around, they actually manage to be productive. Matty writes a bit, mostly heartbreaking, personal pieces that he isn't sure he will ever actually turn into songs, but he ends up with some decent lyrics he can meld with something else if he wishes at the very least.

George drags him into the studio whenever he can, recording some demos and mixes that he has been begging Matty to help him with for ages, and even though nothing gets finished, Matty gives George enough to work with if his satisfied grin is anything to judge by.

George's patience does have its limits though, so when he forces Matty to change into something that doesn't consist of sweatpants and one of George's oversized shirts, insisting that Matty needs to get some fresh air, Matty isn't surprised.

That doesn't prevent Matty from pouting the entire time, taking ages to pull his outfit together simply to spite George, not even entirely sure why he's debating for so long on a blouse when he didn't plan on going anywhere this evening, but apparently he has decided to humor George tonight.

"You're wearing that?" George rolls his eyes at Matty's attire when he finally exits the toilets, scoffing under his breath while snagging his keys from the end table.

"Fuck off - I look wonderful," Matty retorts bitterly, although he knows he _really_ doesn't, but it's cold out, and his grey cowl neck is warm, not to mention the fact that his own jean jacket was too tight to fit over it, inspiring him to borrow George's instead. So what if the sleeves fall past his hands, at least he is comfortable. "You haven't even told me where we are going anyway."

"Grimmy's place," George responds tiredly, like he has already shared this tidbit of information before, and maybe he has. Matty hasn't exactly been paying attention to his surroundings over the past week, so he wouldn't put it past himself to have missed George explaining it to him at an earlier time. "Harry's back in town, so he's throwing a small get together sort of thing. It will be perfect for you. Not too many people, but still some form of interaction."

"I don't see why I have to go," Matty mumbles dejectedly, even as his feet begin to follow George's ground eating strides out the front door without his consent, as if George has a magnet in his body that's pulling Matty along with him. "Nick won't miss me, especially not if Harry's there."

"Because you need to stop sulking and have some fun," George sniffs, his large hand ruffling Matty's curls affectionately without pausing his forward motion, "and I told them you were coming, so I'm not going to let you make a liar out of me."

"I just wanna stay in tonight," Matty attempts one last protest, pushing out his lower lip as George fumbles with the keys to his car clumsily.

"Matty..." George groans, turning his full attention to the older man, the slight hint of fear in his expression confusing Matty as he tilts his neck upward so he can meet George's gaze, "I know you are torn up over Gem, but I'm worried about you mate, and I think being around someone other than me will be good for you."

"I -" Matty sighs, unsure how to explain why he's so reluctant to go out to his best friend, because he doesn't even know himself. "I don't want everyone asking me what's happened," Matty settles on, even though that isn't the full truth.

Honestly, Matty doesn't want to be around anyone in general, but at the same time, he can't bear to be left with nothing but his own company, hence the decision to seclude himself away at George's place.

George isn't like other people, he's just... _him._ Matty doesn't have to pretend around him, or hide his emotions away for the sake of courtesy. He's the perfect solution to Matty's bout of loneliness brought on by Gem's departure, and Matty doesn't want to destroy a good thing by adding other people to the mix just yet.

"They won't love," George assures him, the pet name swaying Matty's decision slightly, although he would never admit that aloud.

"You don't know that," Matty huffs softly, his stubbornness more of a pretense than anything else by this point. "She already posted on her Instagram about it - wanted to make it official that she's back on the market I guess." Matty chokes back a sob, digging in his pocket for his phone to produce proof of his claim, but George's sudden grip on his wrist halts his frantic actions in their tracks.

"I'll make sure no one hassles you," George mumbles slowly, tilting Matty's chin up so he is forced to look at him again, displaying his watery eyes in the process. "These are your friends, and I'll be there the whole time, so _please_...do this for me?"

" _Ugh_...okay," Matty gives in, unable to deny George anything when he fixes him with that pleading stare, "but only because you are out of booze," Matty scoffs, settling on going along to this party in order to humor George in repayment for his hospitality, but that doesn't stop him from nudging George roughly with his shoulder in retaliation.

George ignores the action, although it does incite him to return to his original task of unlocking the car, which he finally manages to complete successfully after a few failed attempts, but not before shooting Matty a shit eating grin that basically screams _'I won'_ loud and clear.

~~~

The second Matty steps foot inside of Nick Grimshaw's overstuffed house, he instantly regrets allowing George to bully him into this, sending George a pleading look that is succinctly ignored as George greets Grimmy fondly, leaving Matty hovering in the doorway after gracing Nick with a halfhearted wave, his gaze drawn to the couch he can spy Adam and Ross sitting on in the main room.

Matty briefly debates heading in their direction simply to alleviate the awkwardness that's pressing around him like a low hanging cloud, but they seem to be engaged in a heated discussion concerning _fuck knows_ what, and Matty isn't really in the mood for talking to anyone that isn't George just yet.

So in an effort to derail George's grand plans involving him becoming a socialite instead of the hermit he has been posing as for the past week, Matty swipes an entire bottle of some kind of wine from the kitchen counter before heading outside, unnoticed by George who is now otherwise distracted.

Secreting himself in the back corner of the patio that seems relatively uninhabited, Matty pulls his pack of cigarettes out of his - _George's_ jacket pocket, lighting the stick quickly before placing the end of it in his mouth, sucking idly on the smoke as he observes the other party goers out of the corner of his eye.

Matty roughly unscrews the cap off the wine that's much fancier than the stuff he usually drinks, which is to be expected since it's Grimmy's, taking a long swig that burns his throat but at the same time soothes the ache in his belly.

Matty doesn't want to be here, _not at all_. He would much rather have stayed at home so he could wallow in his own sorrow without an audience, but unless he is willing to walk back to George's flat on his own two feet - which he _isn't_ , he is stuck here until George decides that it is time to leave.

And _really_ \- Matty knows that George is right, and sequestering himself away from the world to mourn his lost relationship with Gemma isn't the healthiest thing for him right now, but it's all Matty feels like he can do.

It would be different if they were already on tour, because then he could lose himself in the rush of performing, in the screaming crowds, in the body of some fan who is willing to come back to the hotel with him, but Matty doesn't have any of those things to bury his problems under right now.

It will be better once Matty can get away from this town, from the reminders of Gemma everywhere he turns, but for the moment, the only safe haven he has is George's comforting house, and he is still bitter about being made to leave it for a supposedly _small_ get-together that is anything but.

Matty vaguely recognizes the majority of the faces in the shifting sea of people that surrounds him, but he makes no effort to strike up a conversation.

Much to his relief, everyone else seems too preoccupied with whatever they are doing to take any notice of Matty hiding out in the background, so he is left mostly to himself for the following hour or so, minus a few salutations here and there.

George eventually finds Matty, his concerned expression melting away into a relieved smile when he lays eyes on Matty's small body curled up in one of the numerous lawn chairs scattered around the area, the now mostly empty bottle of wine nestled against his side as he rolls a joint absentmindedly.

The alcohol in Matty's system hasn't served as the distraction he had been hoping for, _in fact_ , it is only exacerbating everything he is feeling to the point that he is physically struggling not to ring Gemma up then and there in a pointless attempt to beg for her forgiveness. Luckily for him, the sight of George is just what he needs to prevent himself from making a potentially embarrassing phone call that he will most likely regret in the morning.

"There you are," George exhales heavily, his tall frame folding into the chair adjacent to Matty's seat that had remained vacant until just now. "You holding up okay?"

Matty simply shrugs in response, not trusting his voice to emit clearly in his current state, the nip in the air inciting him to huddle in on himself in an effort to conserve his body heat, his fingers tugging at George's jacket weakly.

"'m fine," Matty finally spits out when George won't stop fixing him with that stupidly inquisitive gaze that makes Matty feel like he has to say something to placate the younger man. "I'm drunk at least."

"Want to head inside for a bit?" George offers when he spies a shiver wrack Matty's limbs, but before Matty has a chance to answer, Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw are walking their way, their hands discretely entwined where they hang by their sides.

"There you are Matty," Grimmy exclaims, the slight slur in his words proclaiming his inebriated state to the point that he might as well be carrying around a banner stating _'I'm pissed'_. "Where'd you go earlier - it's like you vanished?"

"I've been here," Matty dials back the bite in his tone with a supreme effort of will, not wanting to take out his misery on someone he considers a friend. "Lovely party by the way, thanks for the invite."

That is as far as Matty can extend his social graces, but the comment makes Nick smile at least, so apparently Matty is better at faking cheerfulness than he thought.

"Thanks," Grimmy beams, his eyes sparkling briefly when Harry presses closer to his side to avoid someone walking past. "Had to celebrate this lad's homecoming somehow."

"Of course," Matty nods, turning his attention to the so far silent Harrry, "how was the tour mate?"

"Wonderful as always, but I'm glad to be back," Harry replies, his fingers visibly tightening around Nick's as he speaks. "You blokes are heading out on the road soon too right?" Harry waits for Matty's confirming nod before continuing. "You excited for that?"

"Yeah," Matty sighs, because he _is_ \- he loves performing, but at the same time, it only serves to remind him of why Gemma left him in the first place, producing a bittersweet cocktail that has Matty's stomach aching, "it can't come soon enough."

Matty convinces his lips to turn upward at the corners, trying to find a way to end this exchange soon without being unnecessarily rude, but luckily, Nick does it for him seconds later.

"Well I need to top off my drink," Grimmy announces, holding up his glass to prove his point, "but remember to say goodbye before you take off, and if you think I'm too drunk to remember, I'm _not_."

Nick fails at convincing Matty of his sobriety, but Matty decides to humor him, and it's not like he's going to sneak out without saying his farewells to the host, he's not _that_ ill-mannered.

"Of course mate," Matty assures him, the happy expression on his face feeling fake and plastered on, leaving him hoping that neither Harry or Nick notice how it's more of a grimace than anything else.

Nick makes as if to leave before turning back around suddenly, almost stumbling over his boots in the process. "By the way, you two should come back on the show before you leave. You know my door is always open."

"We'll keep that in mind," George answers for Matty, placing his feet on the edge of Matty's chair lazily.

Nick seems to recognize the protective gesture for what it is, quickly spitting out the rest of what he wants to say in a loud tone, the volume necessary to be heard over the incessant chatter of the other guests which is suddenly heightened when someone opens the door leading inside.

"I'll let you know when I have an open booking if you want later on," Nick grins, constantly glancing back at Harry who is now talking to someone else that has approached him from behind. "Oh - and Matty..." Matty hums noncommittally, his thoughts already drifting toward the joint he hasn't had a chance to light yet instead of what Grimmy is telling him, "'m sorry to hear about you and Gemma, you made an adorable couple."

" _Oh_..." Matty gasps softly, his insides twisting painfully as George shoots Nick a stern look, one of his hands coming up to clutch Matty's shoulder gently. "Guess it wasn't meant to be," Matty manages to choke out, but Nick is already heading in the other direction, another guest pulling him away from Matty's stationary position much to his relief.

"I'm sorry mate," George murmurs as soon as Nick is out of earshot. "I warned him not to say anything, but I guess he forgot."

"Can we go home now?" Matty pleads, tiny sniffles breaking up his sentence as George shoves the lawn furniture closer together, allowing him to place his arm around Matty without straining himself.

Matty leans into the touch, needing the physical comfort more than he realized. The simple weight of George's forearm pressing against his neck is doing wonders to calm his racing heart, sapping away the internal agony that Matty had almost managed to escape until Nick had thrust it back in his face.

"Not just yet love - chin up okay? You haven't even spoken with Adam and Ross."

"Don't want to...I'll be living with them on a bus soon enough anyway," Matty huffs, although he knows that he should at least acknowledge his bandmates presence so they don't wrongly assume that Matty is miffed with them or something like that, not that the boys aren't used to Matty's frequent mood swings, but _still_ , better safe than sorry.

"Well how about this, I'll get you some more wine, and we can stay out here until you are feeling better. Sound good?"

It doesn't, _not really_ , but Matty can never say no to George when he is set on something, and before he has the chance to formulate a coherent argument highlighting the beneficial points of leaving as soon as possible, he finds himself nodding slowly, some of the ever constant pressure constricting his ribcage lessening slightly when George smiles like Matty has just given him the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say that I got the inspiration for the whole party scene from the fic Accidentally on Purpose by Syntheticpalindromes, which is one of my favorite Matty/George stories that you should totally check out. I needed some help with this part, mostly because I had no idea who would be a good gay couple to have talking with Matty and George (you will see why I needed them soon) since I am out of my realm writing a story that doesn't involve the emo trinity, so they gave me the idea of including Harry Styles and Nick Grimshaw in it.
> 
> I'm shutting up now. Hopefully I will be back soon with the next chapter.


	3. Never Again Will It Look The Same

George returns quickly, his hands full with drinks he had snagged from the small outside bar Nick has set up, tossing Matty his before collapsing into his seat, causing the furniture to creak alarmingly in the process, but nothing breaks, _thank god_ for that.

Matty is still trying to pull himself back together, the shocking, but also not unexpected mention of Gem hurting him more than he thought it would, and _yes_ \- Matty knows he's acting like a teenager who just lost his first love, but in a way, that's what he feels like.

Gem wasn't like his other girlfriends, he had actually thought they had a chance to make it, or _something_ like that. She was the first person he could see himself being with for an extended period of time, but that's all over now, and although Gem swore she still cares for Matty, she's been perfectly clear on the fact that she doesn't want to get back together with him anytime soon.

"I shouldn't have made you come out," George speaks up suddenly, dispersing Matty's thoughts with his apologetic tone. "You're really torn up about this whole thing aren't you?" George adds on when Matty remains silent, taking a large swig from his beer afterward.

Matty stares at George's adam's apple as he swallows instead of his face, not wanting to meet his best friend's eye just yet, George will only read him like a book if he does.

"You would know," Matty scoffs, trying to make light of the fact that he was two seconds away from breaking down in public a few minutes ago, "you've been dealing with me for the past week."

Matty grasps the new bottle George procured for him, opening it quickly without even bothering to look at the label, trusting that George will have picked out something at least halfway decent.

"Still..." George sighs heavily, his foot nudging against Matty's thigh as he readjusts his position, "you typically bounce back by now, but not this time. She's _different_...you really loved her huh?" Matty cocks his head to the side, confused by the odd tone of George's voice, but in his current state, he isn't able to decipher it.

"I -" Matty halts himself before he can finish his sentence, because now that he is faced with the question in plain words instead of inside of his head, he isn't sure what he feels for Gemma.

She is a wonderful girl - that's a _given_ , and Matty certainly has very strong feelings for her. She is attractive, smart, kind, but does Matty _love_ her? Sometimes he thinks he does, but he always imagined that falling for someone would be different, that he will experience those butterflies everyone talks about, and sparks, and that intense desire to never leave that person's side.

Matty hadn't encountered any of those sensations with Gemma, not that it was a bad thing, but now that his head is swimming with liquor and Matty is properly looking back on their time together, he realizes that Gemma was more of a gorgeous friend that he fucked than someone he could envision marrying, contrary to his earlier sentiment, but _whatever_ \- Matty is allowed to change his mind.

Love is important to Matty - _essential_ even, but at the same time, it always seems to be this ethereal, uncapturable feeling.

Matty can write songs about it, but if he is being completely honest with himself, he isn't sure if he has ever truly been head over heels for anyone, no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that he felt that way about Gem.

And if Gemma truly is the one for him, Matty thinks things would have been different between them; he wouldn't have been so tempted to cheat if he was one hundred percent happy with Gem in every aspect, he wouldn't have let her walk out of his flat without more of a fight, he would have maybe considering postponing the tour even, but he hadn't done any of it, and that in itself speaks volumes.

George waits patiently while Matty gathers his thoughts, his eyes occasionally drifting down to the joint that Matty still has weakly clutched in between his fingers, inspiring Matty to hand it off to his best friend since he keeps forgetting what the damn thing is for.

"I do love her in a way," Matty finally admits, picking at a stray thread on his distressed trousers so he won't have to meet George's gaze, "and she says we'll still be friends and all, so I don't know why I'm so damn upset." Matty's eyes begin to sting, but he pushes on, finding a new sense of clarification as he allows his twisted emotions to emerge past his wine tainted lips. "I think it's more the relationship that I'm in mourning over. It wasn't perfect, and I fucked up more than I should have, but I like being with someone, having a person to come home to at night - when I'm even there that is. Now I'm alone again, and I'm recalling how much I hate it."

The sudden expulsion of honesty lifts a weight from Matty's shoulders, and although he still aches inside, he hadn't realized how badly he needs to actually talk about this until just now.

"Mhmm," George mumbles around the spiff, pulling it out of his mouth so he can actually form coherent words. "That makes sense, but you know you are surrounded by people that love you - Adam, Ross, me, and with our lifestyle, having a girlfriend is sometimes more trouble than anything else."

"That's why you've been single for so long then?" Matty shoots back with a hint of spite, accepting George's advice as the truth, but not wanting to be preached at over a topic that he understands perfectly well.

"Sort of." George shifts slightly, looking marginally uncomfortable all of a sudden, probably because the chair he has folded himself into isn't made for someone of his height if Matty had to guess. "It's more that I haven't found anyone who is worth the effort lately."

"Don't you ever get lonely?" Matty dares to ask, because although he and George talk about almost everything with each other, they tend not to delve into too many details of their relationships or lack thereof, as if it is some sort of unspoken rule that was set into place without either of them actually acknowledging it.

"Well... _sometimes_ yeah, but not often," George hedges, his hands flailing slightly as he speaks, spreading the smoke emitting from the joint in rippling patterns that fall apart as soon as they are formed. "I'm not particularly concerned with it. The band is more than enough to keep me occupied."

"It is for me too, don't get me wrong," Matty suddenly cuts in, wondering if the nervous energy he can feel pouring off of George stems from the fact that he thinks Matty is considering stepping away from music for a little while. "It's just that...well it seems like everyone we know is settling down, having kids, and I want that someday, but if I wait until the band has run its course or whatever, it might be too late you know?"

"Oh fuck off mate, it's not like you are going to tour until you're eighty," George snorts, leaning over to steal a sip of Matty's wine before scooting back into his own seat rather ungracefully, much to Matty's amusement.

"I might," Matty protests just for the sake of it, snatching his bottle back roughly although George doesn't fight him at all, his long fingers spreading out so Matty can retrieve his drink easily. "That sounds perfect actually."

"It's gonna be hard to find someone who will be okay with you never being around if you do that."

"Not impossible though." It comes out as almost a question, even though that isn't how Matty meant to voice it.

"Course not, there is somebody out there waiting for you, you've just got to find them," George assures Matty, his face breaking into a wide grin as Matty smiles up at him thankfully, feeling better than he has in days, but there is something still niggling at the corner of his brain, and in his pissed state, Matty blurts it out before considering what he is about to admit to.

"Do you think I'm maybe looking for love with the wrong people?" Matty pauses, waiting for George to catch onto his meaning without forcing him to say the words, but for once, George doesn't seem to be on the same wavelength as Matty if the perplexed look on his face is anything to go by. "Like...the wrong gender," Matty finally clarifies, his cheeks tinting red as George's jaw drops open a couple of inches.

" _Oh_ \- so you fancy a bloke then do you?" George chuckles, the sound evolving into full blown laughter when Matty flips him the middle finger with a scowl firmly set in place.

"I never said that." Matty is quick to defend himself, because he _doesn't_ , he's just curious - that's all. "No one has caught my eye, but I don't know...forget I ever mentioned it," Matty huffs, twisting in his seat so he can turn his back on George whose shoulders are still shaking with stifled giggles.

"Aw Matty...don't get fussy," George pleads, managing to calm himself down enough that Matty can't hear the teasing lilt to his tone unless he really tries. He refuses to flip back around though, but that doesn't stop George, who simply climbs over the arm of Matty's chair, squeezing his body into the small space so Matty has no choice but to acknowledge his presence. "I'm not judging you love, and you know you can tell me anything."

"There's nothing to tell." Matty breaks his minute of silence without resisting very hard, because in a way, he wants to get this out while the topic is still hanging in the air, and he trusts that George won't go blabbing to anyone else about this at the very least. "It's just -" Matty hesitates, his head turning in Harry and Nick's direction who now have their arms wrapped around one another, swaying along to the slow song playing through the outdoor speakers. A knowing look passes over George's face when he follows Matty's gaze, but he waits for Matty to say his piece quietly. "They get along so well, and Harry's gone more than I am half the time, but Grimmy's always here waiting for him to come home."

"Matty...I think that's because they're in love, not because they both have dicks."

"Well that's what I'm saying, I mean - I _like_ girls, but what if my soulmate or whatever is a boy, and that's why I've had such shit luck so far in that department."

"Well it won't matter if you aren't attracted to them." George's words emit slowly, either because he's carefully planning out what he's trying to say, or because the weed is already beginning to affect him, maybe both. "Have you ever been with a bloke before?"

"No," Matty replies instantly, another blush staining his neck as he tries to put some space in between his and George's bodies, feeling oddly smothered by their closeness for no particular reason, "but I don't think I'd mind, depends on the person I guess." Matty suddenly feels too hot underneath his multiple layers of clothing when his admission hits the open air, his mind racing frantically as George remains silent. "Have you?" Matty turns George's question around.

He's not really sure why he asked since he is almost certain he already knows the answer. It's mostly a defense mechanism more than the desire to actually receive a response, his way of trying to divert the attention back to George to avoid the scrutiny he is now receiving from his best friend.

"Well yeah," George shrugs like it is no big deal, his eyes rolling skyward when Matty sits up violently, his mouth gaping open as he tries to discern if George is fucking with him or not, but _no_ \- George appears to be deadly serious.

" _What_ \- when...how did I not know about this?" Matty sputters, almost knocking himself and his wine bottle out of his seat as he repositions himself so he can better observe George's expression.

"Well you never asked," George giggles softly, taking another hit from the spiff before continuing, "and it hasn't happened in ages, more than a year ago for the last time I think, but yeah - I like guys too, even though I seem to date girls more often than not."

Matty literally reels backward, struggling with the sensation of the ground being tugged out from under him. It's not like he has any problem with George's interest in males - _no_ , the issue is the fact that he was clueless about the entire thing.

Matty is aware that he isn't privy to every in and out of George's entire life, but he had assumed that George would be willing to share something like this with his best mate, yet apparently that isn't the case.

Matty's heart twists painfully in his chest, and for the first time this week, it isn't caused by Gem, but because he realizes that George may not trust him as much as Matty thought he did.

"I feel like the world's shittiest best friend," Matty mumbles while shaking his head, trying to comprehend this new information with terrible results. "Why didn't you tell me...you know I wouldn't have gotten upset over it - _right?_ "

"Don't say that Matty," George protests, nudging him lightly in the side to show that there are no hard feelings between them. "It's just not something I go around yelling from the rooftops, and honestly, I thought you had already figured it out."

"No I didn't..." Matty exhales heavily, a startling vivid image of George pressing against another man rising to the forefront of his mind before he manages to shove it away. "Who _does_ know about this?"

"Well Adam for sure, he walked in on me once when he came to my house looking for my sister back when we were all in school together, but I asked him to keep quiet at the time, you know how kids can get if that sort of stuff gets out... _uh_ \- my mam does too, and obviously the people I've hooked up with, and that's pretty much it. Like I said, I keep quiet about it."

"Why?" Matty prods gently, torn between feeling hurt that George hadn't informed him of this before and relief that at least it is finally coming out now. "Are you ashamed, or..." Matty trails off, unsure where he is going with his question by this point.

"I wouldn't say that," George hedges, but his gaze is dancing around skittishly as he makes sure that no one is within earshot before continuing. "If I wasn't in the band, I'd most likely be a lot more open about it, I guess I still could - I don't know. It's more of a habit than anything else now, and I wasn't purposely keeping it from you...not _intentionally_. I guess I was just worried it would freak you out if you knew." George does seem borderline panicked, the whites around his eyes are showing as he continues to scan the crowd even though everyone is giving them a wide berth. "So uh - does it?" George adds on in a cracked whisper, his muscles visibly tensing as he allows himself to return his full attention to Matty.

"You idiot," Matty scoffs, "of course it doesn't. You will always be my best mate. If anything, I'm only upset that you didn't let me in on your little secret before now, but better late than never I guess."

To solidify his words, Matty allows his hand to rest on top of George's which is now free since he set his beer bottle down on the ground after polishing it off, linking their fingers loosely before turning his face upward so George can view his comfortable grin.

" _Thank fuck_ ," George heaves out, a grateful smile removing the lines of worry that had been creasing the corners of his mouth. "Well now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to you. So you think you might like blokes, or just the idea of them?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Matty answers, grabbing the spiff from George so he has something to do with his free hand, his own drink having been abandoned since Matty has obviously put enough alcohol in his system judging by their current discussion. "I sort of want to try it I guess, but at the same time, I'm a bit nervous about the idea of randomly hooking up with someone to see if I like dick. What if I hate it, what if he tells someone, what if - _fuck_ ," Matty curses weakly, shaking his curls away from his forehead in agitation, "I think I'll just stick with girls and hope for the best."

"You've just got to find someone you trust that is willing to experiment with you," George interjects like it is the most obvious thing in the world, but unlike George, Matty doesn't have a plethora of boys willing to fool around with him hidden away somewhere, even though he is sure a few of his fans wouldn't turn him down, but Matty isn't ready to risk taking that road just yet.

"Oh yeah - like _who?_ " Matty scoffs, stamping down stubbornly on the voice in his head that is chanting at him to look up to receive the answer, staring down at his and George's conjoined hands instead, which isn't helping matters any.

"Well... _me_ for one." George rips the words out of Matty's mind just like he always does, but this time it feels shocking, _invasive_ almost, and Matty has to fight the urge to pull away from George in an effort to regain his equilibrium which seems to be teetering dangerously at the moment. "I wouldn't tell a soul, which is sort of important since the media would have a fit if the fact that you liked boys ever got out, not to mention half of our fans are somehow convinced we are already sleeping together anyway, so even if something did get leaked, we could just brush it off like it's nothing."

"You would want to?" Matty stutters out, his cheeks flaming a bright crimson as he tries to keep himself together, some of George's paranoia rubbing off on him, inciting him to gaze over the crowd in a parody of George's earlier actions, but the party has mostly moved inside by now thanks to the nip in the air, leaving Matty and George unnoticed for the time being.

"Yeah - _I mean_ , if you do that is. It would help get your mind off of Gem at the very least, and that way you will know what you like, or if you can even get it up with a bloke before attempting to start a relationship with one."

Matty worries his lower lip between his teeth as he waits for George to burst out laughing, to tell Matty that he is just messing with him and he should see his face right now, but when none of those things happen, Matty has to come to the conclusion that George isn't playing around with this, and Matty would be lying if he said he isn't intrigued by the idea.

"This wouldn't change anything right?" Matty asks, because he has to know before he agrees. No matter how appealing this arrangement might seem in the moment, Matty is drunk, and he could very easily regret this decision in the morning. "We'd still be mates, even if I change my mind and back out?"

"Of course," George replies instantly, his grip on Matty's hand tightening a fraction before it returns to its lax position. "This would be all about you, and we don't even have to do this, it was just a suggestion."

Matty's head is reeling at George's proposition, his throat is too tight, and he's forgotten how to inhale properly. Matty knows this is dangerous, and taking this step with someone so close to him could easily end dismally, but at the same time, George's offer is almost too tempting to pass up.

It's an answer to all of his newfound concerns and questions without risking himself or his image, because George is right - if he is really serious about this, which he thinks he is, he has to do it with someone he trusts, and George fits that definition perfectly.

Matty still has no idea where this sudden bout of curiosity has come from, although if he's being completely truthful with himself, he has entertained these thoughts before, but he's typically shoved them down before they could take root.

Now they have been given a voice, the urge to at least discover if he might be something other than straight is festering inside of Matty, and before he can ponder the pitfalls of this any further, his answer is falling past his lips as if it was sitting on his tongue, just waiting to be released.

"I think I'd like that," Matty admits sheepishly, a dull flare of heat rushing under his skin as George grins lazily, his eyes sparkling with something that Matty can only label as excitement as he reclines back in their shared chair, "but we have to keep this quiet, no telling Adam, or Ross, or _anyone_ ," Matty elaborates, because he may feel comfortable expressing these things to George, but just the thought of anyone else finding out that Matty is so confused that he's using his best friend to discover his sexuality has him cringing internally.

"Don't worry mate, I know how to be discrete," George huffs, snagging the joint back from Matty before finishing it off entirely, rubbing the fading embers out against the concrete once he's done with it.

"So _uh_..." Matty stumbles over his words, an awkwardness that he rarely experiences around George imbuing the air with an uncomfortable weight, but Matty forces himself to ignore it, because this agreement isn't going to change anything, Matty won't let it, "how did we start this _thing_...and how far are we going to go?"

"Well kissing is always the obvious first step," George replies, his gaze darting downward to Matty's lips before quickly dancing away, "and I guess we can work our way up from there if you still want to."

"Kissing - _yeah_ , I can do that," Matty swallows thickly. He's tempted to blurt out that he has always been slightly intrigued at what kissing George would be like, but he manages to keep his mouth shut this time, which his already wounded pride is thankful for.

Matty has seen George do it with girls many times before, and he can instantly picture how he holds them gently but also with an aura of strength. His larger mouth would cover theirs, sometimes soft sounds escape from his throat when their tongues began to stroke against each other's, and much to his chagrin, Matty finds his cheeks flushing again when he inserts himself in their place.

"When?" Matty asks, wanting some sort of timeline in the hopes that maybe that will help the fact sink in that he is actually going to do this, with his _best friend_ no less.

"Now?" George offers casually, shocking Matty with his forward nature, even though Matty shouldn't have expected anything different from George, he is never one for skirting around something once it has been established.

"But people will see us," Matty hisses, wondering if the copious amount of weed and alcohol in George's system are causing him to forget Matty's previous requirements to this agreement already.

"Not right here," George scoffs, his eyes wandering over the patio to the shadow enshrouded lawn that no one is making any use of. "Over there somewhere, or if you want a closed door, I'm sure one of the rooms in Grimmy's house will be empty."

"Someone's eager," Matty ribs George fondly, although his own heart rate is picking up at the thought of having George's lips against his so soon.

"Nah..." George waves Matty off, the one word dragging out slowly as George unlinks their hands so he can run it through his hair instead, "just thought it would be better to get it out of the way now, like ripping off a plaster."

"You're probably right," Matty concedes, but mostly because he isn't sure if he wants to wait until they arrive home to finally get the chance to kiss George. "That way if I can't stand it, we can drop this entire thing and pretend like it never happened."

"Exactly." George nods, extricating himself from the chair carefully, holding out a hand to Matty to help him up once he regains his feet.

Matty twines his fingers through George's gingerly, praying to a god he doesn't believe in that George can't feel the excited thrum of his pulse which is ticking so loudly Matty swears it is audible. His odd reaction is only caused by the sudden head rush he receives from standing up, or at least that is what Matty is going to swear by if George calls him out on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is proof that when I say that I'll update soon, I most likely won't, but I have nitpicked this part to death, and I am going to publish it before I get sick of it.
> 
> I originally wanted to add the kiss to this chapter, but I have had almost no free time to write lately, and I sort of like where I ended off anyways.
> 
> Hopefully you enjoy. I have no idea when the next chapter will be done since I haven't gotten much down for it as of right now, but I'll try my best to have it up sooner rather than later.


	4. All Of The Elements Will Fade

Matty's pulse continues with its irritating thundering as George threads his way in-between the few people blocking them from reaching the empty lawn, his movements appearing effortless as Matty stumbles along behind him. George kept a tight grip on Matty's hand as they go, and although Matty isn't complaining, he's certain that George can feel the way his veins are vibrating through their conjoined hands. He's sure that he's going to make a subtle jab about it any second now that Matty won't be able to reciprocate, but the remark never comes much to Matty's surprise.

A part of Matty wants to pull away from George's touch, to rescind his earlier confession entirely. He could simply claimed he was pissed, that he didn't know what he had been saying and that this wasn't such a good idea after all, but Matty keeps his lips pressed firmly together, because that's all a lie. He _wants_ this, he is practically trembling with anticipation as George leads him onward, and although Matty is scared, he isn't going to admit that to anyone, especially not to George.

Matty holds his breath as they cross over into the shadowed area that is Grimmy's surprisingly well-kept garden, leaving the bright lights of the patio behind as George keeps walking. Matty glances over his shoulder numerous times, but their sudden withdrawal hasn't drawn any attention, in fact, it appears that everyone is heading inside besides for a few stragglers.

"This okay?" George asks, stopping just as Matty is about to complain about not being able to see where he's going. George's pulls Matty in front of him so he is completely hidden if anyone happens to glance this way, shielding him with his large body and the wall to their left.

"Fine," Matty bites out, wiping his palms on his jeans once George finally releases his fingers, trying to conceal his nerves before George begins teasing him.

"You know..." George pauses, his voice rough, hoarse even, as if what is he trying to get out is paining him. "We don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"No," Matty protests breathlessly, cursing himself over the speed with which he blurts out his answer. "I do - _really_." Matty blesses the heavy darkness surrounding him, because it is the only thing hiding the crimson stain dragging from his cheeks down to his chest, the embarrassment that follows after nearly suffocates him as he realizes how badly he is aching for this.

"Come here then," George murmurs softly, his wide thumb digging into the sensitive skin of Matty's jaw, pulling his face closer as Matty all but melts into his grip.

Matty's eyes widen as George leans down, a sudden rush of panic shooting up his spine as he struggles with the decision of tugging away or surging forward, and not because he doesn't want George to kiss him, but because he's oddly terrified for some reason. This isn't like stealing a moment alone with a pretty girl to pass the time, this is so much more serious - potentially life altering even, because this is _George_ , and that changes everything, even though Matty is trying to convince himself that it doesn't.

But before Matty can allow his misgivings to fester any further than they already have, George's lips are against his, covering his pursed mouth entirely as Matty gasps loudly in shock. George takes the sound as an invitation to slip his tongue past Matty's parted teeth, stroking the muscle against them roughly once before he pushes it into the open space Matty provides for him.

Matty thinks he hears something from George as their tongues begin to stroke each other's, a vibration maybe, but he honestly isn't sure if he imagined it or not. His ears seem to be ringing loudly, and all of his senses are shutting down to anything that doesn't directly involve George: his smell, his taste, the pressure of his touch.

Matty isn't sure what he expected when he agreed to this kiss, but _this_ wasn't it. He'd imagined it might start out slow, awkward and most likely uncomfortable at first, but George apparently has no qualms about diving directly into this, not that Matty is unhappy with his eagerness.

George's mouth is slick and warm against Matty's, simultaneously heating his blood and sending shivers throughout his limbs at the same time. George's originally tastes of beer and smoke, which doesn't surprise Matty at all, but underlying that is a strong, clear flavor that Matty can't name, but it reminds him of how he feels when he curls up in one of George's t-shirts after a particularly rough day.

Just when Matty is beginning to lose himself in the sensations he's being assaulted with, George pulls back suddenly, his unexpected withdrawal causing Matty's chest to tighten as he forces himself to rock back on his heels instead of chasing George's mouth like he wants to.

"Sorry," George apologizes, confusing Matty even further with his words. "I just...you alright?"

Matty doesn't trust himself to speak, because he honestly has no idea what idiotic ramblings will escape from him if he does, and he can't seem to focus on anything besides for George's shiny, red lips for long enough to try and form a coherent answer, so instead, he goes for what appears to be the most logical option he has presented to him, locking his hands around George's neck as he all but drags the older man back down harshly.

George reciprocates instantly, shoving Matty back against the unforgiving stone behind him as Matty tangles his fingers in George's wiry hair, tugging sharply as George claims his mouth without hesitation, ignoring the way his shoulder blades are starting to sting from being pressed back against the rough patches of the wall.

Matty's knees begin to buckle as the kisses deepens, his body slipping down slightly until George digs his fingers into the spaces between his ribs, keeping Matty pinned in place as his tongue rubs against Matty's heavily.

Matty clutches to George for dear life as he forces himself to choke back the desperate whimpers that are lurking in the back of his throat, not wanting George to see how much this is affecting him, although that is pretty much a lost cause by this point, but at least George seems into it as well. His large frame is bracketing Matty entirely, making sure he stays trapped as George sucks on his bottom lip lightly, his teeth nipping at the swollen skin in a way that has Matty physically trembling.

Matty needs to pull away for air, because he can't breathe, _fuck_ \- he can't even think, but his brain's commands aren't registering just yet. His head is spinning off of his shoulders, and only George's firm hold on his torso is keeping Matty grounded, otherwise he thinks he would somehow float away up into the glittering stars that suddenly seem so much brighter then they did only minutes ago when Matty catches a glimpse of them between slitted lids.

Matty is shocked by how badly he wants this - wants _more_. If George wasn't hindering his ability to speak, Matty is sure that he would be begging for George to slip his fingers underneath his blouse, to move from his mouth to his neck, to maybe remove his clothing entirely, and the sudden onrush of intense desire has Matty wracked with fear. These out of control longings are something that Matty hasn't ever experienced with anyone else, and he hates the unknown, especially when the term involves George.

Matty snaps back to his senses when George inches closer to him though, because he can feel his cock swelling in his jeans as George sucks on his tongue, and he doesn't want George to notice it, doesn't want to admit that a stupid kiss has him hard and needy and desperate so quickly, so even though it physically pains him to do so, Matty forces himself to shove George away, disconnecting their mouths with a soft pop that sounds obscenely loud in the otherwise quiet air.

George's fingertips are still digging into Matty's side, scrunching up his sweater as he heaves for air. George doesn't appear to be nearly as affected as Matty is, he's just standing there grinning down at him with a smug look as he strokes Matty's sides absentmindedly.

"Good?" George chuckles darkly when Matty doesn't immediately speak up, and for one moment, Matty is tempted to slap the teasing lilt out of his voice, the subtle jab setting him even more on edge than he already is.

"Yeah...it was nice," Matty answers quietly, his arms wrapping around himself as soon as George stops brushing his hands against him.

"Nice?" George's eyebrows scrunch together as he takes one step backward, giving Matty some much need space with which to try and regain his composure. "You loved it," George smirks knowingly, and no matter how badly Matty wants to deny it, he _can't_.

"Fine, whatever," Matty huffs, eager to say anything to escape George's penetrating gaze, "you are a wonderful kisser George," Matty sneers, trying to add a heavy layer of sarcasm to his tone, even if his statement is nothing but truthfully.

George simply hums noncommittally, running his thumb across Matty's cheek once before Matty snaps his neck away harshly, hating himself for the deep blush that follows the path George's finger just took.

"We should probably head back." George shrugs when Matty stays silent, his feet shuffling uncomfortably against the dry grass as he waits for Matty to voice his agreement.

"I need another drink anyway." Matty's tone carries a venomous edge that he didn't intend to inject it with, but it's too late to take it back now, even though Matty sort of wishes he could when George's face takes on a slightly confused expression tinged with an underlying hint of pain.

Matty digs his shoulder against George's chest when he doesn't move quick enough for him, shoving past the taller man as he stalks back toward the house, refusing to look behind his shoulder to see if George is following him, even though he knows he isn't since he can't feel George's familiar presence hovering near him anymore, which is what he wanted - _right?_

 _Actually_ \- Matty has no idea what is going on with him, or why he is reacting so negatively to what was quite possibly the best kiss of his life, but he does know that he needs to get away, that he's got to think about this without George staring at him with those heavy lidded eyes, or even better, he could simply find some more liquor and make it so he forgets about everything for a short time - yeah, that sounds like a much better plan.

~~~

George lets Matty walk back into the house without putting up a fight, his muscles tight and rigid as he watches his best friend hurry back into the ring of lights with determined strides, pretending not to marvel over the way the contrasting shadows highlight the angles of Matty's cheekbones in a very flattering fashion.

And although George is aching to call out to him, to go after him, to grab his wrist and drag him back into their private corner so he can kiss him some more, he does none of those things. George's knows he's crossed some sort of line already, and that if he doesn't give Matty his space, he could very well ruin everything before it even got started.

George shouldn't have kissed him so hard, he should have kept it chaste, or let Matty set the pace, but once their lips had connected, George lost all control of himself. Matty had been so warm and pliant under him, and George couldn't help himself from taking everything that he could get from Matty just in case he was never presented with the opportunity again.

George runs his hands through his hair roughly, trying not to recall how Matty had done the same thing barely two minutes ago, but it's impossible for him to stop analyzing everything that just occurred between the two of them, so he gives up on controlling his brain and allows his mind to wander as he attempts to decipher what the hell he has done wrong.

George doesn't think that Matty is upset about the kiss, he seemed to enjoy it at the very least, so locking lips with another bloke obviously isn't a turn off to him, which had been the point of this whole endeavor in the first place, but Matty had still left upset, and now George was swimming with guilt even though he doesn't feel like he did anything to deserve such harsh treatment from his best friend.

George shrugs off his anxiety quickly though, aware of the fact that sitting here and worrying over it will do nothing to help either of them. He will leave Matty be until it's time to head home, maybe apologize to him if Matty still seems off later. This isn't the first time Matty has reacted oddly to something George has done, so everything will be fine - at least, George _hopes_ that it will be.

Not knowing what to do with himself now that he can't glue himself to Matty's side like he's being choosing to all night, George decides to head back inside, making his way upstairs for a bit since he hasn't explored that area of the house yet. He runs into Grimmy and Harry again on the way, managing to kill half an hour chatting with them before they get pulled into a new conversation by another guest, leaving George alone again and at a loss for how to occupy his time now.

George considers drinking more, but he wants a clear head right now. He's barely able to contain himself from searching for Matty as it is, and if he adds alcohol to his already Matty obsessed brain, it isn't going to end well.

That doesn't stop George from thinking about him though, in fact, that's all George has been doing since they separated, even though George swore to stop beating himself up over what is probably nothing, but _still_ \- that is easier said than done.

George just wants to make sure that Matty's okay, his stomach is churning when he considers the possibility that he might have done something to ruin their friendship. Offering himself up to Matty like that isn't the smartest thing George has ever done, but the thought of Matty doing those things with anyone else literally has George feeling sick and borderline dizzy.

And it's not that he isn't okay with Matty getting into a relationship with another man, because he _is_ \- this isn't jealousy, it's compassion. For all of Matty's bravado, he's sensitive right now, not to mention achingly lonely, and George wouldn't put it past his best mate to hook up with some asshole that will end up hurting him to try and bury the pain of Gemma's departure in someone else's skin.

George wants to be that someone else, especially if Matty is serious about wanting to experiment more with men. If Matty was simply diving into sex with a plethora of girls to soothe his broken heart, George would step back and let him, just like he always does, but this is _different_.

Matty is questioning himself, and George remembers how awful that period of his life was, especially without someone he could trust to support him. George will never be able to live with himself if Matty gets with someone else that doesn't treat him right, that doesn't take things slow with him, that doesn't have Matty's best interests at heart instead of their own dick.

And _yes_ \- okay, George may have a very small crush of some sort on Matty, but it's nothing serious. He just thinks Matty is pretty, _that's all_ , and of course he loves him, but not in _that_ way. He's just always been slightly curious as to what it would like to have Matty's skinny body underneath his, to see his face as George buries himself inside him, but George has fantasized about friends before, it's a normal thing - _isn't it?_

But it seems as though George has already fucked up, no matter his good intentions. He isn't sure what he did to make Matty storm off like that, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. George heart thuds painfully in his chest when he recalls the wild eyed look of terror Matty had shot him when they finally pulled apart, and George knows that it will haunt him for some time to come.

George had tried to fix things, to make light of it all, to tease Matty like they usually do when things become awkward between them, even as his own lips were tingling and he had to physically stop himself from shoving Matty's mouth back against his, but it obviously hadn't worked. If Matty does decide to continue this, George will have to tread very carefully, which he is willing to do if Matty will only give him a second chance.

Getting tired of his own thoughts, George allows himself to head back into the main room, hoping to find Adam or Ross again, or maybe even Matty. It's late enough that he might be able to convince the older man to head home soon, if he lets George gets near him that is.

George turns his feet toward the couch, spying the back of Ross's head from across the crowded room, but when he closes the short distance between them, he is slightly surprised to see Matty as well as Adam who had previously been hidden from view. He assumed Matty would be off pouting somewhere, and although George isn't entirely ready to face his best friend yet, he can't deny the rush of relief that surges through his veins when he catches sight of him.

That only lasts for a moment though when it becomes apparent that Matty is beyond pissed, but he seems happy at least. He's curled up on the floor for some odd reason, probably because Adam is sprawled across half of the cushions on his stomach, watching Matty avidly as he tries to wrap something up in the jean jacket he stole from George, not that George minds, he actually likes how Matty is constantly borrowing his clothes, even though that doesn't stop him from grumbling about it to save face in front of his friend.

"Hey, there you are." George speaks loudly so his presence won't catch the older man off guard, but he still manages to make Matty jump slightly at the sound of his voice.

"George _look_ ," Matty exclaims, his lips pulling into a pout when George doesn't immediately turn his attention toward him, sending Adam a questioning glance instead which he doesn't seem to catch, even though he does receive an sigh from Ross that George interprets as a _'thank god you're here'_ sort of thing. " _George_..." Matty drawls, the one word slurring into a mess of syllables that barely sounds like his name anymore. "I found a puppy," Matty all but yells, cradling the dog close to his chest as George finally makes his way over to his side, now recognizing the bundle in his arms as an animal.

"Bloody hell Matty, how much more did you drink?" George scoffs, ignoring the ball of fur that Matty holds out to him for his perusal.

"Just some shots," Matty shrugs, flipping Ross the middle finger when he snorts obnoxiously. "We should keep this dog," Matty exclaims, his lids opening wide in a way that George hates to admit is adorable as he gazes up at George, supposedly waiting for his approval.

"That's just Pig mate, you've seen him before, and anyways, he's Grimmy's, so how about you put him down before he suffocates?"

"No," Matty snaps harshly, retracting the terrier back into his lap as if he believes that George is going to snatch him away at any moment. "I love him."

"Nick, Matty is trying to steal your dog," Adam calls out when Grimmy happens to walk by, his body shaking with stifled giggles the entire time. George simply rolls his eyes at him, deducing that Adam is obviously just as tossed as Matty is right now.

"Fine - take him," Nick shrugs jovially, leaning over the back of the couch so he can glance down at Matty who is now cooing nonsense into the animal's ear as he strokes its coat slowly. "I bet Matty won't even last a day before begging me to take the little beast back." Nick doesn't seem at all concerned over the fate of his pet given the fact that he wanders away instantly, but he's just as drunk by Matty at this point, so George isn't really surprised.

George shoots Ross a bewildered look, hoping to gain some support from the only other functioning person at the moment, but Ross simply shakes his head in defeat before taking a sip of his own beer.

"How long has he been like this?" George asks, trying to fight back a smile as Matty's laughter fills the room, courtesy of Pig licking at his cheeks wetly.

"'Bout an hour," Ross hums, "he and Adam started playing some stupid game earlier, got each other completely trashed in the process, so I've been babysitting these two idiots since you weren't around."

"I should probably get him home," George murmurs, sighing under his breath as he tries to decide how to separate Matty from the dog without incident. "You need help with Adam?" George offers even though he's already going to have his hands full with Matty.

"Nah, just gonna wait a bit for him to sober up. Don't want him puking in my new car."

"George," Matty pipes up again, sounding for all the world like a petulant child who isn't happy with being ignored. "We should - no, _you_ should get a dog."

"I don't want a dog mate," George groans, happy that Matty isn't still dead set on kidnapping Pig at the very least. "Why don't you buy one?" George prods, using the distraction to pull Matty into a sitting position, allowing Pig to scamper free from Matty's tight hold, and although Matty's face falls momentarily, he doesn't seem too bothered by the loss of his companion.

"Because I'm never home, and I like your flat better anyway, so if you had a dog, I could use it as an excuse to come over more often," Matty sighs irritably, like this is common knowledge that he shouldn't have to explain to George.

"You're always there even though I don't have a pet," George teases, quickly looking away when his and Ross's eyes meet for a brief moment, not liking the knowing glint he sees in them, even though it's impossible for Ross to have figured out what happened earlier this evening unless Matty told him, but if that was the case, he's sure someone would have commented on it already.

"Yeah..." Matty nods slowly, his head lolling backward until it's resting against Adam's foot which is hanging off of the cushions at what looks to be an uncomfortable angle. "The room's spinning," Matty remarks casually, apparently growing bored of the dog topic already, much to George's relief.

"That's because your pissed mate," Adam cuts in gleefully, erupting into another fit of giggles that Matty quickly joins in on as George shoots them both a scathing look, feeling more like a father than a friend at the moment. He doesn't mind when Matty drinks, _of course not_ , that would be insanely hypocritical of him if he did, but it was rare for Matty to take it this far, and George is more concerned for Matty's reasons as to why he's gotten so tossed, not the fact that he is, mostly because he's afraid that he's the one who's driven Matty to this point.

"Come on Matty, it's time to go," George orders sternly when Matty begins to slump over on his side, stopping his downward motion with an outstretched hand before carefully pulling Matty to his feet, snagging his discarded jacket on the way up.

"Your flat right?" Matty suddenly looks petrified for some reason that George can't place. It's not like he would drop Matty off at his own place while he is in this state anyway, but it seems that Matty assumes that is what he is planning on.

"Of course, all you shit's still there so there's no point taking you back to yours," George allows his lips to tug upward despsite his frustration, silently thanking his unintended foresight to stop drinking when he did, otherwise he wouldn't trust himself to drive, and there is no way he could have Matty walking home right now, _hell_ \- he could barely take two steps without wobbling dangerously.

George says his goodbyes to Adam and Ross, making Ross promise to text him once the two of them have gotten home safe, which earns him another laugh from Adam who apparently thinks that everything is hilarious right now. Matty follows George out of the door without protest, only letting out a small whine when Pig scampers by which George stubbornly ignores.

Nick catches them in the foyer, reminding them about his offer to appear on the show one more time before they take their leave, which George promises to keep in mind. They barely have two weeks before their next tour kicks off, but if Matty is up to it, George is sure they could fit it into their schedule.

Matty seems much more agreeable to Grimmy's proposition this time, but he's so wasted that George isn't sure if he'll remember any of this in the morning. The realization sends a bolt of terror into George's heart, because what if Matty forgets everything, including the kiss? George isn't sure why, but that thought hurts more than he expected it to. His inner musing must show on his face, because as soon as they are outside, Matty stops him with a soft tug to his sleeve.

"Hey," Matty whispers meekly, his gaze turned down toward their shoes so George can't read his expression like he wants to, "are you mad at me?" Matty finally works up the courage to speak, his teeth capturing his lower lip that George had bitten not two hours ago, his jovial mood dissipating so fast that George head reels a bit as he tries to catch up with Matty's emotional ups and downs.

"No," George answers instantly, his arms instinctually coming up to wrap around Matty's frame as he shudders slightly, "why do you think I am?" George prods gently, leading Matty over to the car as he speaks to avoid any prying eyes.

"I - I don't know," Matty shrugs, attempting to displace George's scrutiny as he ducks down into his seat. "You just seem upset."

"Well I'm not," George assures him, but his words don't appear to have any effect on Matty at all. "I was just worried about you."

"I'm fine," Matty waves him off, still looking skittish and on edge, as if he is holding something back that he's dying to say.

"Is this about the kiss?" George dares to ask, not sure if bringing it up right now is the best thing to do while Matty is so intoxicated, but unable to resist prying while the opportunity is there.

"I shouldn't have run off like that," Matty spits out, his face still hidden from George, even when he sidles around to his own side of the car and joins Matty inside. "I don't want you to think that I hated it, because I didn't."

"Well good...that's good," George stammers out, unsure of what else to say since Matty still seems torn up over the whole thing. "We can talk more in the morning once you're feeling better," George offers, not wanting to pressure Matty anymore than he already has tonight.

"Yeah, I'm really tired," Matty sighs, another tremor shaking his frame as he rests his forehead against the window slowly.

"You're not gonna be sick are you?" George checks as he starts the car, because Matty does look pale, but that could just be caused by the bad lighting coming from the few streetlights scattered about.

"Don't think so," Matty sniffles, the sad sound piercing George's heart sharply, but he pretends not to notice it.

Matty's probably just thinking about Gemma again, that's all, _in fact_ \- his sudden mood change might not have anything to do with George at all, but no matter how hard George tries to convince himself that he isn't at fault here, it does nothing to stop the awful feeling in the center of his chest as Matty curls his knees up into his torso while George turns the vehicle toward home.


	5. I've Weighed It All Out

Matty jolts into consciousness suddenly, the abrupt movement unearthing a pounding headache that has him wincing in pain, but the potential migraine quickly takes a backseat to the wave of nausea that is clawing its way out of his stomach and up his throat, inciting a dash to the bathroom that ends with Matty hunched over the toilet, his lips squeezing together as he tosses the lid upward hurriedly.

As Matty throws up what feels to be not only his last meal, but also a large portion of his internal organs, he curses himself for drinking so much in the first place. He rarely lets it go so far - not _anymore_ that is, but he had ignored his limits last night in favor of the fog that always follows after becoming excessively pissed, and even once he had been successfully obscured, he didn't stop there.

That doesn't mean that Matty can't remember what happened at Grimmy's party though, because he _does_. He's always had a keen sense of recollection no matter how intoxicated he is, so he knows that he almost smothered Nick's dog with his unwanted affections, and that George had ended up dragging him home and tucking him in bed like a child, but none of those memories hold a candle to the flame that is the fact that he and George _kissed_.

Matty doesn't regret it, not even now when he is mostly sober and thinking much more coherently. He meant what he told George last night about wanting to discover if he is attracted to blokes, he just hadn't been expecting to enjoy kissing George as much as he had.

Kissing was never something Matty thought much of, it is just an act that typically leads to something more, either that or it is used in way of a greeting or a goodbye, but having his mouth pressed against George's had been different, although Matty can't pinpoint exactly why.

Matty has never experienced anything like that before, not even with Gem. It hadn't been a normal melding of tongues, that was for sure. Matty had been overwhelmed from the start, his nerves jangling and his body aching to be closer to George's just from something as simple as a kiss, making Matty wonder how intense other things of a slightest less innocent nature would be with the other man.

Matty swears his lips are still buzzing even hours after George last touched them, the subtle vibrations tickle the spit coated skin as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He groans harshly when his stomach mocks his pathetic attempts at cleaning himself up with a hostile churning that has him lurching back for the porcelain bowl with hardly any time to spare.

After suffering through a second round of gagging which ends in painful dry heaves, Matty collapses back against the closest wall, his spine bending over his knees as he begs his body to give him a few minutes to recuperate before he has to be sick again.

Despite the agony he is currently in, Matty's mind is still running at full speed, not that it ever isn't. His train of thought is fixated on what had happened between him and George, and although he wants to focus on something else right now - _anything_ really, he continues to ponder their shared moment of intimacy, his brain refuting his numerous attempts at distracting himself.

Matty had liked it - there was no question about that, but he also can't deny that the kiss is what had driven him to getting as trashed as possible once he had abandoned George with too few words and confusion clogging his veins.

George hadn't deserved Matty's withdrawal, and in hindsight, Matty realizes that he should probably apologize to his best friend in the morning. George most likely understands, because George gets Matty better than he does himself, but Matty still owes him some sort of explanation, now if only he had one that made an iota of sense.

He does though, if he allows himself to look past the mental blocks he keeps in place for his own safety. Matty doesn't want to admit it, but he is _scared_. That's why he ran off, that's why he allowed Adam to pour him shot after shot long after he should have called it quits, that's why he avoided bringing it up entirely once George had found him again.

Matty likes to think that he can predict the outcomes of most situations accurately, but his foresight had failed him this time. He had assumed that kissing George would be pleasant - which it _was_ , but he had been unprepared for how intoxicating it had turned out to be.

Matty had forgotten about everything while George had him pinned against the garden wall. Gem no longer existed, the pressures he places on himself were lifted, the deadlines, and concert dates, and all the other commitments he keeps carefully catalogued in his head were wiped away, _hell_ \- he probably wouldn't have been able to recite his own name if someone had asked, all that had mattered was the contact between him and George. Nothing makes Matty lose touch with himself anymore, not drugs, not liquor, not women, but somehow George had managed to achieve that with just his mouth, and Matty isn't sure how he feels about that.

Maybe it is the fact that it was the first time Matty has been with a man that had his body reacting so strangely - that makes sense after all. It probably doesn't have anything to do with George at all, at least - that is what Matty _wants_ to believe, because any other explanation holds to many heavy implications which Matty doesn't particularly look forward to delving into.

Matty's still willing to try this experiment with George though, even after their failed first attempt, but he can't let it change anything between them, because he wouldn't be able to bear it if he damaged their friendship all over a random bout of deep-seated curiosity.

Everything in Matty's life is shifting around now - a new tour, no more Gem, whatever this thing may or may not be with George, and although Matty can't stand being stagnant, he's also terrified by the sudden upheaval he's currently experiencing. He's a conglomeration of oxymorons swathed in skin, and although he is painfully self-aware of his contradictory nature, it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

Matty chuckles under his breath at his melodramatic analysis, wishing he had a pen at hand to jot down what could make a good set of lyrics, but the bathroom was decidedly lacking in writing materials, so he would have to hope that he remembers them whenever he manages to get up.

The humorous sound quickly turns into a whine of discomfort as Matty's receives another reminder of how much he drank last night. As he gags up nothing but bile for the third time in less than twenty minutes, Matty swears never to touch another bottle of wine again if this pain ends, only to shake with silent laughter at the lie.

Matty's head spins uncomfortably as he tries to shake his hair out of his face, the small task seeming impossibly difficult in his current state, and after a few failed attempts, Matty gives up entirely, resting his head on the rim of the toilet weakly as he waits for his insides to settle on if they are going to behave or not.

Matty jumps slightly when he feels a large hand pressing against his shoulders before he relaxes into the touch. Matty knows it's George without having to look up, although he hadn't heard his best friend's footsteps over the pounding in his temples, but the soothing aura that always follows the other's man arrival instantly surrounds Matty, not to mention George is the only other person in the flat at the time.

Matty wants to say something to his best friend, maybe _'I'm fine'_ , or _'go_ _back to sleep'_ , but the truth of the matter is that he's starting to feel marginally better now that George has made an appearance, not to mention that it's hard to speak and throw up at the same time, which Matty has started doing again. For some reason, the younger man always has this effect on him, so Matty isn't going to deny the relief even if he regrets stealing George away from his rest.

"Need some water?" George asks when Matty's stomach decides it's empty for now, leaving him shaking and weak as a cold sweat forms underneath his thin blouse.

"Please," Matty croaks out his reply, wincing at the burn that travels up his abused throat along with the word.

George gets up quickly, and Matty finds himself marveling at how gracefully George can move despite his height. Matty's gaze follows George's journey to the sink until he's forced to pry his attention away when George glances over his shoulder, not wanting to be caught staring by his best friend.

"Here," George hands Matty the glass he's filled, nudging his lax fingers until Matty remembers how to make them function again, his mind going oddly blank now that George is sharing the room with him. "You okay?" George asks after Matty takes a few careful sips of the lukewarm liquid, folding his long legs up so he can join Matty on the polished tile.

"Fine," Matty waves George's concerns off, because he is now - _mostly_ , except for the fact that his muscles are aching and he doubts he will be able to make it back into bed without help. "You didn't have to get up you know?"

"Got cold when you left," George mumbles lowly, his words producing a rush of heat to Matty's cheeks that isn't caused by his deplorable condition, but he sure as hell is going to try and pass it off as such if George remarks on it.

Matty isn't even certain of why he is blushing, but he _is_. Maybe it's because of the kiss, maybe it's because he feels so broken down right now, and the fact that George is here taking care of him just like he always does has his heart swelling with an unexpected rush of affection for the younger man, but whatever the cause is, Matty is too tired to decipher it, so he has no choice but to accept that his face is darkening all because of a casual statement.

"Didn't think you would appreciate me puking on the sheets," Matty shrugs, his lips twitching upward when George scoffs in response to his statement.

"You think you're going to be sick again?" George questions when Matty allows his body to relax, his head landing on George's shoulder as his eyes flutter shut, weights created by exhaustion dragging his lids down even further when George throws his arm over his shoulders lazily.

"'m not sure," Matty yawns, because his stomach is still churning angrily, but he's also not choking back bile any longer, so that has to be a positive sign. "I should be good for a bit now I think." Matty adds on once he fights off the dizziness that presents itself once his vision goes black.

"Come on then," George laughs lightly when Matty curls up against George's side, a soft groan leaving his lips when George disrupts him from his comfortable position by moving away slightly. "You aren't sleeping in here."

Before Matty has a chance to protest, George is picking him up, securing him by his thighs and back before carrying Matty into the bedroom with ease. It amazes Matty's how George can just do that, because Matty may be skinny, but he's not that light, yet George makes him feel significantly smaller than he truly is, and for some reason, Matty enjoys that.

The stubborn side of Matty wants to lash out against this though, because as much he adores George for going to such lengths to make him comfortable, he also feels far too vulnerable as George tightens his grip around him. He's tempted to demand that George put him down so he can at least wash the taste of vomit from his mouth, but he doesn't, because he knows that George is just trying to help, and Matty manages to keep his insecurities to himself in favor of preserving the pleasant moment.

George places Matty on the mattress before crawling under the comforter himself, mumbling something that might have been _'g'night'_ before tugging Matty against his chest and shutting his eyes. Matty tries to follow suit, but as drained as he is, he can't seem to fully relax.

As he listens to the barely there sound of George's breathing, Matty is shaken by how he can simultaneously feel protected and so exposed all at once, even if he has no one's eyes on him at the moment, and maybe that is a part of it. 

~~~

Matty eventually manages to drift off for a bit, but it's a restless and troubled slumber, filled with odd dreams that feel much too real, all of them featuring George in some way or form. After finding himself wide awake for the third time in barely two hours, Matty gives up on shut eye entirely, slipping free from the sheets as silently as possible so as not to disturb George who is still out cold.

Matty isn't entirely sure why, but he ends up outside, wrapping George's jean jacket which he had retrieved on the way around his skinny frame to protect his skin from the cold, although he still shivers underneath the fabric when a strong breeze rushes by.

Matty settles himself at the edge of George's wide porch and pulls out his packs of cigarettes. George doesn't mind if he smokes inside, not unless he's recently been on one of his random cleaning sprees in which he sprays everything with air freshener and bans all form of tobacco and weed, which rarely lasts a week before George breaks his own rule himself.

Matty smiles to himself as he flips on the fairy lights he strung around the railing ages ago. George had grumbled the entire time Matty had spent setting them up of course, but he hasn't removed them even though he's had plenty of opportunities to do so, and Matty's convinced that he secretly enjoys the soft ambience, or maybe he just leaves them there for Matty's sake whenever he stops by - that would be a very George-like thing to do.

Matty wonders if it's sort of odd how everything reminds him of George, or brings up some George related memory, but it can't be that strange. He is in George's flat after all, and throughout almost his entire life, George has been by his side, so it makes sense, at least to Matty it does.

A part of Matty wishes George had noticed his absence and followed him out here, which is in completely juxtaposition to how he had reacted earlier when George had found him in the bathroom, but _still_ \- Matty is feeling oddly melancholy at the moment, and he isn't too keen on being left alone with the kind of thoughts that earlier mornings bereft of sunsets bring about.

Matty has no reason to be sad, and he isn't really sure that is an accurate label for his emotions at the moment. He's just _off_ , disconnected in that sort of way that leaves him unsettled and shaken. He doesn't think this is caused by Gem - not this time, in fact, it might not have any roots at all.

Matty gets in these moods from time to time. Sometimes they turn into productive songwriter sessions, and others - like right now involve him smoking too many cigarettes and holding back the urge to cry while he tries to discover what he is producing tears over.

Titling his head back, Matty stares at the sky, attempting to ignore the way the colored canvas seems to be pressing down around him, threatening to crush him if he fails to keep moving, but Matty doesn't have the strength to do that at the moment.

Despite the threatening nature of the atmosphere, Matty enjoys the particular shade it is right now. The blue is soft and dark all at once, shifting and changing wherever he looks but somehow appearing matte all at the same time.

Maybe their next album could be colored in such a fashion, highlighting all of the different variances with each song, but _no_ \- as lovely as that idea sounds, it doesn't resonate correctly within him.

Matty has barely started working on it of course, so he could easily change his mind, but he already has some lyrics he plans on using, as well as the titles for a few songs swimming around in his brain, and the theme of the album needed something brighter - more _shocking_. Pink is a possibility, that would be an ironic contrast to the black and white persona they had displayed on their last record.

 _Yes_ \- pink seemed to fit well, a vibrant shade, maybe fluorescent even, a synthetic color that can appear fake and tarty but also shows itself in natural venues like a blush or a slip of the tongue.

And of course, thinking of things like blushes and tongue brings Matty back to the one topic he is steadfastly trying to avoid - _George_.

Determined to reach the root of whatever is bothering him, Matty doesn't force himself to change subjects this time, allowing recollections of last night to pour back over him as he debates on what to do now that he has taken the first step into what could be a very foolish endeavor, or quite possible something that would allow him to become more comfortable with himself and his sexuality, which is a topic that Matty has never been entirely sure of.

Matty's been accused of being gay on more occasions than he can count on one hand, mostly because of his style, but he was never the epitome of a straight male. He remembers how he used to rile people up in school, joking with bullies about how he wanted to suck their cock just to get a reaction out of them, calling them baby and sweetie to throw them off, which had automatically labeled him as less than straight, not that Matty had ever really minded, although he had assumed he was only interested in girls until recently.

Matty's never been with a man, but not because he wouldn't consider it. It just never happened, and he does like girls - he like girls _a hell of a lot_ , but lately he's being noticing how pretty some boys look, occasionally ignoring a lovely pair of tits to admire a bloke with gorgeous eyes or a pouty mouth, although that could just be his inclination for appreciating beautiful things instead of any real attraction.

Matty has noticed this subtle shift for quite some time now, but he always forces himself to ignore it, pushing the thoughts to the back of his mind until they get buried underneath everything else he keeps contained in his head, but now he knows he won't be able to ignore it, not even if he ends this thing with George and never touches another man again.

And Matty doesn't want to do that, because he liked the kiss, and George didn't do anything wrong. Matty just panicked - _that's all_ , maybe because it was too soon after Gem, maybe because he was pissed, maybe because he didn't think that a causal snog with his best friend would turn into the best kiss he ever had.

 _Still_ \- Matty hasn't received an answer on if he might be bisexual or whatever, because kissing George was amazing, but he was drunk, and plenty of people snog blokes when they're trashed but would never take it any further. Matty isn't sure how he'll react to a sexual situation that involves a cock that isn't his own, but he'd be lying if he said the thought doesn't have his blood thrumming slightly in his chilled veins.

As far as Matty sees things, he has two choices: either pretend the kiss never happened and let everything fall back into place naturally, or else keep going, pursue whatever this is until he's certain about his sexuality or he becomes too uncomfortable to continue.

His natural instinct is to press onward, because he can't think of anyone better to do this with than George, but at the same time - he's the problem.

George means the world to Matty, and Matty is struggling with viewing him now that he's cast himself in this new light, because he doesn't recognize this George who can take his breath away with a touch of his lips, or who can produce a blush on his cheeks without even trying. It's _unsettling_ , especially since George is basically Matty's foundation, and now that steady surface is shifting underneath his feet and his mind is reeling as he tries to keep up with the tremors.

Their kiss held so much more meaning than it should have, but in all honesty, it's probably just because Matty over-analyzes everything, or he could be fabricating stronger emotions into this casual affair as an effect of his relationship with Gemma. It's been barely a week since Gem left him after all, so Matty might have been projecting leftover sensations he felt with her onto George. It's not like Matty's over her yet - that's for certain, and he probably won't be for quite a while. George is an simply an easy distraction from the ache in his chest that makes itself known whenever Matty dwells on her for too long, he's not a replacement, not even _close_.

Matty quickly becomes frustrated with himself and his circling contradictions and queries, because this isn't like him. Matty's always prided himself on being impulsive, and _yes_ \- on occasion that particular trait has landed him in some deep shit, but it's also provided him with opportunities that he would have never been given if he hadn't leapt into something he was unsure about.

And _really_ \- what's the worst thing that could happen? George has promised that he can back out at any time, so if things begin to turn sour between them, or if Matty freaks out again, he can simply end this and have a good laugh about it with his best mate.

As long as Matty can stop himself from reading into every subtle emotion that George may or may not produce, he should be fine. This is George after all - his best friend, his bandmate, and this whole thing isn't that odd. They are already overly affection for being simple mates, and Matty is confident that he can keep whatever illicit things that occur between them separate from their relationship they've always had. He was simply caught off guard last night, but now that he's worked through things, he knows without a doubt that he wants to push forward with this.

Feeling slightly better after his fifth cigarette and some much needed contemplation, Matty grinds out the smoking embers in the conveniently placed ashtray resting to his left before dusting off his trousers and heading back inside with a much lighter head.

He falls asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow this time, burrowing into George's side just like always, because nothing is going to change, Matty will do everything in his power to make sure of that.

~~~

Matty finds himself pouting on George's couch that afternoon, silently fuming as George putters away in the kitchen, making something that Matty is too stubborn to get up and find out what it is, even though it smells delicious and he sort of wants to sneak in and steal some, but his pride refuses to let him move.

George hasn't mentioned anything that happened last night - not Matty's excessive drunkenness, not how he had to sit up with him as he got sick, and especially not _the kiss_.

And _really_ \- it's probably a good thing, because this is what Matty's wants right? George is acting completely normal, but Matty's is dying to at least let George know what he decided in the earlier hours of the morning, but he also refuses to bring up the topic first out of sheer stubbornness.

Matty has been dropping hints all day, or at least trying to, but George is either purposely pretending to be oblivious, or else he really isn't catching on to Matty's need to solidify that this thing is indeed happening, resulting in Matty sulking alone in the sitting room as he flips through the channels on the television idly, unable to find anything that can successfully capture his attention.

"Food's ready." George's deep voice has Matty's neck craning around so he can watch the other man as he approaches the couch. "Come on and get some before it gets cold."

"Not hungry," Matty huffs sullenly, even though he _is_ , but he just wants to see how George will react to his refusal more than anything else.

"You haven't eaten anything all day." George's frown tugs at his entire face as he moves until he's situated directly in front of Matty. "You're not going to bounce back until you get something in your stomach."

Matty scoffs loudly, surprised that George has written off his irritableness to a hangover which he surprisingly doesn't have instead of uncovering what's really eating away at him.

"I'll be there in a minute," Matty heaves out, rolling over onto his back while suppressing a smirk when George runs a hand through his hair in agitation.

"What's got you so stroppy today?" George asks instead of retreating back into the kitchen, falling for Matty's bait far too easily, leaning Matty beyond pleased with himself but also inexplicably exasperated all at once.

Matty is so bothered by the fact that George doesn't already know what's going on in his head that he snaps, his body shooting upright and his hands fisting in the collar of George's button up shirt before he can comprehend what he is doing.

Matty presses their lips together harshly, which isn't what he was intending on, he only wanted to talk about their last kiss, not _recreate_ it, but this is just as good a way of making George aware that he wants to continue with his proposition, so he doesn't pull away, and if Matty's being honest with himself, he's been on edge all day, and he wants to bury his agitation in someone else's body for a little while.

George doesn't seem shocked at all by Matty's sudden assault, and even if he is, he hides it well. He kisses back instantly as least. Matty can tell he is holding back though, his arms are braced on the cushions behind Matty's shoulders, and despite the fact that his lips are moving against Matty's eagerly, it's not the same as before.

Surprisingly disappointed by the lack of sparks or _whatever the fuck_ they had been, even if they were what had frightened him so badly in the first place, Matty pulls away slowly, his body still bracketed by George's larger frame as he licks over his lips slowly.

"You're a better kisser when your drunk," Matty remarks casually, leaning back so he can better observe George's expression, which is unreadable and dark, as if George is shuttering all of his emotions away, which is something Matty has never been able to emulate.

"W-what - you..." George stutters out, his eyes never leaving Matty's face as his head subtly shakes from side to side. "Oh sod it," George mutters under his breath, and before Matty has a chance to ask him what he is referring to, George has him pinned against the couch harshly.

George smashes their lips backs together so roughly their teeth clash. Matty gasps into George's mouth, the air leaving his lungs in a sudden exodus that George swallows eagerly, his tongue slipping inside the opening Matty's made for him as if it was made to be there.

Their melding is much more frantic than the last one, hot and messy are two terms that immediately come to mind when Matty tries to label it. Matty feels smug and accomplished at the fact the he has caused George to snap, but his small power trip is quickly smothered under the growing wave of lust that is forming in his lower belly and rapidly spreading outward.

Matty's chest tightens when George drags him down forcibly, pushing him back until he's lying horizontally, his smaller figure completely bracketed by George's long limbs. It's akin to the way Matty feels when he's stricken with a particularly nasty chest cold, like he can't breathe and everything aches, but in the best way possible.

Matty throws himself into the kiss, tasting the inner walls of George's mouth as he hums happily. George tastes different today, like spices and sauces, but that unidentifiable flavor that Matty will always relate to George is still there, transferring onto his own gums as their spit mingles together sloppily.

"Please?" Matty gasps when George sits back a bit, given them both a chance to gulp down some much needed oxygen. The pressure of George's torso on Matty's lower body has him desperate for something, and although he isn't exactly sure what that is, he refuses to think too deeply into this in fear of ruining everything, and he knows that George will be able to understand what he needs, even if Matty doesn't.

"Fuck Matty," George all but growls, his large hands sneaking under Matty's singlet in a teasing manner, the pads of his finger brushing over Matty's chest idly, releasing an embarrassingly high pitched whine from him when they pass over his hardened nipples.

Matty arches into the touch, his eyes falling shut without his permission as George pinches the sensitive buds gently. Matty is lost in the sensations he is feelings, and he's not thinking about the fact that this is his best mate touching him in such an intimate fashion, or that he's a bloke, Matty just wants more, and he's willing to throw his pride out of the window in order to get it.

"Touch me," Matty begs, his cock already hard and leaking between his spread thighs, creating an obvious tent in the sweatpants he never changed out of earlier.

George smirks wickedly at Matty's request, but he does as he ask, pressing his palm heavily against Matty's length. Matty bucks up needily, a low moan ripping its way out of his throat as George traces the outline of his cock in a teasing fashion.

"So responsive," George whispers almost to himself. Matty doesn't even try to reply, he's too busy wrapping his legs around George's waist, trying to create more pressure where he needs its most.

George tangles his free hand in Matty's curls, tugging harshly on the matted locks as Matty cries out nosily. Matty doesn't think he's ever been this turned on his life, his skin literally feels as if it's splitting open under the onslaught of pleasure he's experiencing, and he's never needed to come so badly as he does in this moment.

" _George_ ," Matty whimpers softly, his embarrassment warring with the desire for more of George's touch, and honestly, he thinks he would get down on his knees and grovel right now if it ends with George's hand around his cock, no matter how much he'll loathe himself for doing so afterward.

"I've got you," George replies lowly, and he _does_ , because within seconds, he's tugging down the waistband of Matty's trousers - not all the way, but enough so the head of his cock peeks out, the cold air on his sensitive tip causing Matty to shiver violently before George covers it with his warm hand, slipping his fingers underneath the fabric as Matty's shudders in relief.

The skin on skin contact is almost more than Matty can handle, and as much as Matty wants this to last, he's close already, and it only takes a few tugs on his cock before he's trembling erratically, his nails digging into George's shoulder as he tries to bit back the plethora of obscene sounds that are clogging up his throat.

George seems to know exactly how to touch Matty without being told, his thumb digging into the sensitive area just underneath his tip that Matty always pays special attention to when he rubs one out. George's hands are so large that he's able to cover almost all of Matty's cock at once, and Matty's never experienced a hand job quite like this one.

"I - _fuck_ , gonna come," Matty spits out harshly, his spine arching upward as George leans over Matty's curving torso, his mouth latching onto Matty's exposed neck before he sucks playfully at the sweat coated skin.

Matty tries to hold off in a feeble attempt at preserving his dignity, because the last time he came after barely two minutes was when he was fifteen, but the sensation of being smothered by George's body, coupled with the perfect pressure on his cock and the slight scrap of his teeth against his pulse has Matty shattering underneath the younger man, his bottom lip smarting as he bites down on it in an attempt to muffle to desperate shout that still manages to fill the mostly silently air as he spurts heavily across George's knuckles.

"You good now?" George asks once he's wiped off his hand and caught his breath, leaving Matty panting and winded, still sprawled out on the couch with his cock half out and his mind in shambles.

"Yeah - c'mere," Matty tries to reach for George's jeans, wanting to return the favor and get George off as well, which is the least he owes him after such a mind blowing orgasm.

"Next time," George mummers, wrapping his fingers around Matty's wrist to halt his forward motion, the gentle pressure stopping Matty in his tracks.

Matty wants to protest, but he can barely think, much less speak coherently, and George is already moving anyway, adjusting himself slightly before disappearing into the other room, leaving Matty with come drying on his stomach and a pleasant warmth fizzing throughout his bloodstream as he tries to comprehend _what the fuck_ just happened.

Matty's reaction is the polar opposite of the other night. Matty's happier than he's been in weeks - sated and warm as he basks in the aftereffects of his orgasm, and he has no desire to flee, or to avoid George, in fact, as soon as he can feel his legs again, he plans on joining him in the kitchen.

The only thing that doesn't set quite right with Matty is the fact that George denied him the opportunity to touch him, but Matty doesn't allow it to faze him too much. There is always _next_ _time_ Matty reminds himself, small bubbles of what can only be excitement bursting in his stomach when he allows himself to accept that there will indeed be more instances like this in the very near future.

 


	6. I Feel You Crawling Out My Veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters seems to be getting longer as they go, which I like to think is a good thing, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep this sort of length going. We will see what happens.
> 
> I had to write this in small chunks throughout the week since work was killing me with it being Spring Break and all. Hopefully it still flows decently well though.
> 
> Btw thank you for the kind feedback I have been getting on this story. It means a lot to me that people are enjoying this since I am actually pretty proud of it so far.

George suppresses a smirk when Matty emerges into the kitchen five minutes later, his curls in disarray and a lopsided smile plastered across his face. George busies himself with the food he cooked earlier, pretending to stir it a few more times even though it really doesn't need it.

George isn't sure how Matty is going to react to what had just occurred between the two of them, so he's waiting for the other man to speak before he jumps to incorrect assumptions -  _hell_ , he can still hardly believe it had happened at all.

George hadn't meant for things to go so far, but Matty had pushed him to the point where he had lost himself completely. He refused to sit there and allow Matty to make snide comments about him without fighting back this time, which is exactly what he did, shutting Matty up with his mouth and his hands until the older man had been left shaking and overwhelmed underneath George's body.

George was still slightly afraid that he had fucked up though. He had sworn to take things slower, to allow Matty to set the pace, but there was something inside of him that just couldn't do that once he had Matty lips against his. He wanted to be in control for once, to have Matty needing him instead of the other way around, and no matter what his intentions had been, they had flown out the window as soon as Matty had begged for more.

George had been prepared to deal with another withdrawal like last night, or for Matty to want to have a talk about it, or anything in-between. Matty is unpredictable, even to George who knows him better than most, so he braces himself for whatever is coming next as Matty makes his way further into the open area.

The bands of tension that had latched around George's chest as soon as he left Matty in the living room melt away when Matty brushes against his side gently, snatching the plate George has already prepared for him before flopping into a nearby chair with a satisfied groan.

So Matty isn't going to make a big deal of it this time - George can work with that. He's a bit surprised, but he can tell by Matty's expression that he's happy -  _sated_  even, and although George is a bit curious about what Matty's thinking right now, he's not going to bring it up first.

"This's good," Matty mumbles around a mouthful of pasta, immediately taking another bite as soon as the words have left his mouth.

"Thanks, thought you might be hungry after last night," George responds, a small blossom of warmth unfurling in his gut that is caused by Matty's praise.

Conversation is lacking after that, mostly because they are too busy concentrating on the meal to speak. Neither of them have eaten since yesterday before Grimmy's party, and although Matty sometimes went with longer periods without sustenance - which George  _highly_  disapproves of - George's body had begun protesting its empty state as soon as he had woken up.

George can't help but stare at Matty as he plays with his food lazily, his mouth pulling into a grin every time he catches Matty sneaking glances at him, his expression glazed over and a droopy smile on his face that George loves knowing that he caused.

" _So_..." Matty speaks up hesitantly once his plate is clean, toying with his fork nervously as he gathers himself. "We're good right?" Matty spits out quickly, and George has to swallow his sigh of relief once the words leave his best friend's lips.

"Of course," George nods instantly, "you want to keep going?" he can't help but ask, needing to understand where Matty's head is at, even if he's afraid to hear the answer.

"Yeah - I do," Matty responds as he stands up suddenly.

George watches him from the corner of his eye while he takes his utensils to the sink, rinsing them quickly before making his way out of the kitchen without another word, succinctly ending their conversation which had barely started, but George is fine with that.

It's sort of odd putting into words this thing that they are doing together, not that George is uncomfortable with it -  _not at all_ , but it's different. In the moment, George doesn't have to think, everything just comes naturally, but he's always been shit at expressing himself vocally, so he's glad that Matty hasn't asked him how he feels about it, because he would most likely say something idiotic that would piss Matty off and ruin everything.

Matty falls asleep as soon as he sits down on the sofa, his soft snoring alerting George to the fact that he's out like a light once he enters the living room. Wanting to confirm the obvious, George pads over to the couch silently, only to find Matty curled up on the cushions. George is surprised that he managed to keep his eyes open for this long after his mostly sleepless night, so he doesn't bother with moving him in fear of waking him, although he does tuck a blanket around him gently.

Now that's Matty's oblivious for a little while, George takes the opportunity to slip away into the bathroom, tugging down his jeans which have been digging into his hard cock with a soft sigh of relief.

George leans back against the sink before spitting into his hand and fisting his dick, a satisfied groan escaping from his throat as he tugs at his length quickly, the pressure in his balls already reaching the point of being borderline painful since he waited so long to get himself off.

It doesn't take George long before he's spilling across his knuckles with a choked off moan, a vivid image of Matty panting and writhing beneath him pushing him over the edge so quickly that George is almost shocked.

A part of him wishes that he had let Matty finish him off, that it was his long fingers curling around his cock like they do with his microphone stand, but George also doesn't want to push Matty too far, too fast, so his own hand will do for now.

~~~

Matty returns back to his own flat for a few days after that, saying he needs to get his things gathered for the upcoming tour, and even though George thought he would appreciate a bit of alone time after having Matty at his place for almost two weeks, he finds himself missing Matty's presence more than he ever has before.

George doesn't know what to do with himself now that Matty's gone. He smokes more than usual and he jerks off so much it's almost like he's become a teenager again. Sometime in-between those two things, he manages to pack as well, although he's sure he's forgotten something important that he won't recall until they're already on the road.

Time seems to grind to a halt without Matty there. Everything stagnates and draws out to the point that George thinks he's going insane. George isn't sure if it's because they kissed, or it it's simply the fact that he's still worried about Matty since his and Gem's breakup wasn't too long ago, but whatever the case, it's driving George mad.

He tries to remember what he usually does when Matty's busy elsewhere, but he keeps coming up blank. He and Matty are almost always together, and when they aren't, George is usually getting laid, which he isn't particularly interested in right now if it doesn't involve Matty.

He hits up another party with Adam on the second night which Matty doesn't attend, but he leaves early and ends up moping around his flat for the rest of the night, his fingers itching to call his best friend up and invite him over, but his mind refuses to give into the urge. He eventually falls asleep in his bed that feels too big without Matty in it, cursing himself for how badly he misses Matty's small body curled up against his own.

~~~

Matty returns on the third day just when George is about to break down and ring him up asking how he's doing, thankfully saving George the embarrassment that would surely follow such a desperate act.

Matty doesn't say much about what he's been up to, but the skin around his eyes looks tired and strained. George is probably fretting over nothing, but he still finds himself doting on Matty likes he's got the flu or something, brewing him tea without having to be asked, fetching him things when Matty offhandedly mentions them. The extra attention seems to please Matty, so George keeps it up even when Matty seems to be doing just fine, He hasn't cried at all since his return that is,  _at least_  - George hasn't caught him in the act.

George goes through Matty's phone one night while he's asleep, wanting to see if he's been in contact with Gem. He could ask of course, but he can't bring himself to breech the sensitive topic in fear of hurting his best friend, so he chooses this option instead. Matty wouldn't be bothered by it, he told George his passcode after all, so George ignores the small tendrils of guilt that are dancing around the corners of his mind as he skims over his messages.

George doesn't find much; they've talked a bit, but their last correspondences dates from the night after Grimmy's party. Gem basically told Matty that she still cares for him but she needs to do her own thing, and that he should find someone who isn't as fussed by his schedule as she is.

George stops looking after that, hoping that if something else happens, Matty will come to him with it. He just wanted to make sure that Gemma wasn't continuing to wound Matty by giving him some sort of false hope, which she doesn't seem to be, so George is satisfied for now.

~~~

They do end up making an appearance on Grimmy's show a few days before they have to leave, which George immediately regrets agreeing to when Matty tugs him out of bed at some  _ungodly_  hour of the morning what seems to be minutes after George closes his eyes.

George had stayed up far too late the night before experimenting with an instrumental piece that Matty had said they should put on their new album, trying to get the sound just right even though Matty swore it was fine the way it was.

The fact that they had to be on the morning show so early had completely slipped his mind, leaving him sullen and irritated from lack of sleep as he stumbles along behind Matty who's making his way through the hallways of the radio station with a spring in his step, his alertness feeling like a subtle taunt for some strange reason which only has George even more frustrated than he already is.

Nick greets them both fondly before sitting them down and running them through what they'll be doing. George barely listens, catching something about Twitter and the new tour. He's not trying to be rude, but his head is fuzzy, and he sort of wishes he had time to smoke a blunt before they left, but what he really wants is to crawl back under his sheets for just a little while longer.

Matty does most of the talking as usual though, leaving George to mumble a reply when it's needed. George spends the majority of the show with his head on Matty's shoulder and his eyes closed, a contented hum slipping out of his throat when Matty begins toying with the hair at the nape of his neck absentmindedly.

Matty's in a particularly bubbly mood, which George is happy to see. He laughs loudly when Nick brings up the attempted kidnapping of his dog the other night, which Grimmy of course exaggerates to the point that it seems to his listeners that he had to pry the poor pooch out of Matty's arms in a valiant act of bravery. George interjects then, reminding Nick of how he didn't seem at all bothered by the loss of his precious pet, which Grimmy denies vehemently of course.

George spaces out for a bit after that, answering a question whenever it's directed at him, but otherwise staying silent as Matty prattles away cheerily. George missed seeing Matty like this, excited and thrumming and vivacious. His breakup with Gem had drained those traits out of him for a bit, and even before then, Matty had seemed a bit off, but now everything's slowly righting itself once again, and George is more at peace than he's been in quite some time.

"What's got Georgie so knackered?" George hears Grimmy ask, and when he forces his lids to open for a split second, he sees that Nick's pointing a thumb at him. George isn't sure if they're on air at the moment or not, but he's just getting comfortable, so he doesn't bother with replying.

"He was all up night mixing, forgot about this whole thing entirely I'm pretty sure," Matty chuckles fondly, petting down the dip in-between George's shoulders in a way that makes George want to shove his spine back into Matty's palm, but he stays still, pretending to be out it for a little while longer.

Nick laughs at that before questioning Matty about if they've started working on anything new, which of course has Matty spiraling off into a tangent involving everything they've got in progress, and what he wants to do in the future. George thinks he actually  _does_  doze off at the point, because he doesn't remember the rest of the discussion in the slightest.

The show is starting to wrap up when George jolts awake. Matty has moved suddenly, removing George's makeshift pillow so he can stare down at something Nick's showing him.

Matty's practically hanging off of Grimmy by the time George rubs the sleep out of his eyes, and although George knows he's being ridiculous, he still feels an angry tendril of jealously snaking its way through his brain.

When Matty leans over and gives Nick a prolonged kiss on the cheek, George sees red for a split second. He belatedly realizes they are posing for a picture, but that doesn't change the fact that George is fuming, his blood seething beneath his skin as Matty continues to shamelessly flirt with the radio show host.

George tries to remind himself that Grimmy is taken, and even if he wasn't, Matty isn't his to claim in the first place, but it isn't working. George doesn't know where this possessive streak has come from, it's never bothered him before when Matty turns on the charm with someone else, which happens often, but something has changed since their kiss, and George can't help but be angry at the fact that someone is touching _his_  Matty, although Matty isn't his - not in  _that_  way.

Matty turns around just then, beckoning to George to join them once he notices he is awake. George forces his face to morph into a semblance of a smile that's threatening to transform into a scowl at any moment, but when Matty wraps an arm around his waist once he reaches his side, some of the bitterness filling his lungs dissipates.

George manages to stay coherent for the rest of the show, apologizing for his demeanor once the microphones are powered down and Nick has finished bidding them farewell and good luck on their tour. Nick brushes off George's words, pushing a cup of coffee into his hands on the way out even though George is so tired he knows caffeine isn't going to work like it usually does.

George perks up slightly once they leave the building, ready to return back to his flat so he can get some proper rest, but he is stopped before he can take two more steps by the screams of excited fans. George had forgotten how they tend to gather outside of the station in the hopes of obtaining an autograph, and no matter how exhausted he is, he can't ignore the kids in favor of some shut eye, not that Matty would let him anyway.

Matty's already heading over to them, and George panics slightly when he loses sight of his best friend among the swarm of bodies. He finds him quickly enough though, a pen cap hangs out of his mouth as he signs a cd for a blushing girl with cleavage spilling out of her too tight top.

When Matty leans over and presses his lips against the girl's scarlet cheek, George refuses to acknowledge the dull rush of jealously this time, shoving down his erratic emotions so he can pay attention to the blonde that's approaching him with a nervous grin.  _Matty isn't his_ , he reminds himself, hoping that if he repeats that phrase enough times that it will actually sink in.

~~~

George is still a bit put out by the time they return home, which Matty doesn't seem to notice, but when he wakes up with his face stuffed into one of the cushions of the couch he collapsed on as soon as he made it inside to find Matty leaning against his hip with a spiff balanced in-between his fingers, George's earlier frustrations evaporate faster than the smoke that's dancing around Matty's head.

"Hey sleepyhead," Matty chuckles, passing the joint to George without him having to ask. George takes a deep pull, sighing happily as Matty scoots closer to him.

"What time is it?" George mumbles groggily, trying to see the clock over Matty's tattooed shoulder, but since he isn't willing to sit up just yet, he can't quite make it out.

"A little after four," Matty answers, snagging the spiff back from George so he can take another drag. "Ross stopped by earlier, but I didn't want to wake you."

"Oh," George murmurs, "everything good?"

"Course, he's just checking up on us I guess, making sure we've at least starting packing," Matty shrugs, kicking his feet up on the coffee table as he continues to use George as a makeshift pillow.

"I'm practically done, just got to remember to gather the chargers and toothbrush and all that."

"I'm going to do another sweep of your flat," Matty announces, waving his hands around in a way that catches George's attention more than it should, "can't find that pair of black boots, you haven't seen them have you?"

George shakes his head no, knowing exactly which ones Matty means without any more elaboration, moving over slightly when Matty gets up, abandoning the spiff with George as he begins wandering around, eventually disappearing into the bedroom, leaving George by himself for a bit.

George isn't sure if it's a result from Matty's antics earlier, or maybe just from the weed, but his stomach's churning and his cock's swelling in his trousers as he watches Matty amble about.

It's been a bit since they've done anything, but George refuses to bring it up. He considers heading into the bathroom so he can have a quick wank, but he's not done with his joint, so he stays put in favor of finishing it off.

Matty returns after what was probably minutes but seems like  _years_  to George with a bowl of cereal and no boots, a pout pulling at his lips as he begins sucking on the spoon idly, the innocent motion riling George up even further than he already is when he imagines his cock in the place of the utensil.

George shakes his head roughly, squirming in his seat to try and alleviate some of the tension in his muscles. The air in the room suddenly seeming much thicker than it was only a moment ago, especially when Matty brushes against him while leaning over to grab the remote, flipping the television on to some movie that George hasn't seen before.

George grasps the edges of his light top, pulling it over his head quickly in the hopes of cooling down his overheated skin. It's helps a bit, but not nearly enough, and George is about to make his way somewhere more private so he can rub one out when Matty speaks up.

"What are you doing?" Matty asks, and George has to suppress a grin when he catches the slight whine Matty's trying so hard to hide.

"It's hot in here," George shrugs, balling up his discarded jumper and tossing it over the back of the couch, making a bit more of a show of it than he usually would just to get a reaction out of Matty.

"You're ridiculous," Matty snorts, which wasn't what George was hoping for, but Matty's lopsided grin has him smiling anyway. "It's fucking  _chilly_."

"Only to you love. I swear your blood is made of ice," George retorts fondly, but sometimes he wonders if it's true. Matty is always cold unless he's on stage or in direct sunlight, so his hypothesis isn't too ridiculous, at least that's how his stoned mind decides to interpret it.

"Maybe it is," Matty chuckles softly, running his hands over the rips in his jeans slowly. "Can't help it that I'm so thin though."

"It's the height," George snorts, amusing himself with what he's about to say next. "Heat rises and all that, explains everything really."

"Bloody hell," Matty scoffs, rolling his eyes at George before returning his attention to the movie that's still playing in the background. "You're an idiot - you know that right?"

"More like  _genius_."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Matty sighs, stretching his legs out so they are resting in George's lap, keeping George pinned in place while also derailing his planned escape completely.

They don't fool around that night, but Matty does end up snuggled against George's side by the time the movie ends, which George enjoys almost as much.

~~~

"It's our last night here before the tour starts," Matty announces one evening as if George isn't already aware of that fact.

He's still at George's place instead of his own, which George is more than fine with,  _in fact_  - he's considering asking Matty to just move in with him if this keeps up. It doesn't really make sense to pay two sets of rent when they are always at each other's flats anyway, not that they can't afford it now, but he decides to wait until after their stint around the world to pose the question.

"Mhmm," George hums in agreement, pulling back the blankets so Matty can slip in underneath them. George is already half asleep by this point, but Matty seems wide awake if the way he keeps twisting about means anything at all.

George doesn't understand how Matty has so much energy right now. They've been up since the crack of dawn so they could finish everything that they  _of course_  put off until just now, which included stopping by Matty's place and locking it down in preparation for his long absence, meeting up with Adam and Ross for a quick get together, as well as saying goodbye to the few friends and family who won't be joining them.

The whole ordeal has George exhausted, and that's not how he wants to start tomorrow, so he had called it a night early, but Matty seems determined to thwart his plan of getting a full eight hours with his constant motion.

"You still up?" Matty asks after a few minutes of tossing and turning, flipping around quickly as he speaks, kneeing George roughly in the process.

" _Fuck_ ," George hisses, clutching his smarting shin as he scoots away from Matty slightly, resisting the urge to shove Matty off of the bed as a rebuttal for his surprise attack. "I am now."

"You excited to be on the road again?" Matty questions, but George can tell that wasn't what he was going to say originally by the slight hitch in his voice. He doesn't point it out though, mostly because he's too groggy to care.

"Of course, but I'm also tired, so stop being a twat and get some sleep," George grumbles, burying his face in the pillow to try and block out the world so he can get some fucking shut eye.

"Oh - okay...sorry mate," Matty apologizes, and he sounds so hurt that George finds himself feeling guilty although he hasn't done anything wrong.

"No - it's fine. Did you want to have a chat or something?" George gives in, forcing himself to sit up slightly so he won't fall asleep before hearing Matty's next sentence.

"Nothing, it's silly," Matty protests, but George isn't willing to let whatever is bothering Matty drop now that he's put in the effort involved in evading slumber for a little while longer.

"Something happen with Gem?" George questions lowly, although Matty doesn't seem upset -  _agitated_  would be a better word to describe his current behavior George thinks.

"Nah - sent her a text letting her know I was leaving, she wished us luck and all that."

"That's nice," George murmurs, his lids feeling heavier again now that he knows Matty isn't bottling up something painful. "Why don't you lie down?" George offers, even though it comes out as more of a command instead.

When Matty doesn't immediately move, George tugs him against his chest, hoping that he'll avoid another jab from Matty's limbs if he's this close to him. He lets go almost immediately though when he notices how stiff Matty's become. His spine is rigid and George can feel his muscles tensing underneath George's palms.

"Matty?" George whispers softly, unsure if he should back away or bring Matty closer.

Matty doesn't respond, and George is getting slightly frightened now. He runs his fingers through Matty's tangled curls, trying to get a better look at his face, but when his hand gets snagged in a particularly thick patch, pulling at Matty's scalp roughly in the process, Matty's eyes snap to his suddenly, something dark and heavy glinting behind his irises that incites George to yank harder on the locks tangled around his digits.

Matty whines then, a deep,  _needy_  sound that releases a jolt of pure desire throughout George's entire body. His half lidded stare goes wide and his neck cranes upward so he can observe Matty better, his pulse thudding loudly as he peers down at his best friend eagerly, praying that he isn't misreading this, because now the need to touch Matty is almost  _overwhelming_.

"You alright mate?" George murmurs thickly, the thumb of his free hand pressing into Matty's prominent hip bone, trying to keep himself from moving his point of contact lower to check if Matty's as hard as he sounds like he is.

"Yeah...it's just,  _well_  - we won't be getting any privacy for a bit, and I..." Matty trails off, his cheeks blushing deep enough so that George catches the crimson tint despite the darkness obscuring the room, "I thought we might..."

"You  _what_?" George questions, wanting to hear Matty say it for some reason he can't explain, his cock filling out quickly as he shifts so he's situated on his hands and knees, his torso hovering over Matty's prone frame as he waits for his response.

" _You know_..." Matty pouts, his lower half twitching forward slightly, bringing attention to the growing tent in his sleep pants.

"I don't think I do," George smirks widely, something about having Matty squirming and desperate underneath him making him feel more powerful than he ever has, even more than when he's up on stage and fans are screaming his name. "You've got to tell me if you want my help."

" _Fucker_ ," Matty hisses, and George can't help but chuckle at his vehemence. He's about to relent and give Matty what he's obviously begging for, but Matty's resolve breaks before George's for possibly the first time. "I want you to touch me," Matty chokes out, his stomach jumping when George trails the pads of his fingers over the tattoo inked there delicately.

"Yeah - okay," George groans, but he doesn't immediately move.

George is having a sort of out of body experience right now; he can hear his breath rasping in his chest, he can sense his cock hard and heavy in-between his legs, but it's like he's on the outside of all of it. Everything else that doesn't involve Matty seems fuzzy and far away, and only the places where Matty's skin is touching his retains any sort of feeling.

George gazes down at Matty while he tries to snap out of whatever's come over him, his eyes trailing over his skinny frame, noticing how lovely he looks in the dim lighting. Matty seems so vulnerable in this moment with his head thrown back against the pillow, his throat working as he swallows heavily, waiting for what George is going to do next.

The image alone has George leaking into his boxers, and it takes more self-control than it should for George to remain still instead of shoving the material down so he can get off already in any way possible.

George isn't sure how to go about that though, because  _fuck_  - he wants to ravage Matty, to mark up his pretty pale palate with bruises and bite marks, to leave physical proof that, at least for the night, Matty was _his_. He aches to spread open his shaking thighs and play with his pink hole until Matty's crying with the need to come, he wants to shove his cock inside of him and feel Matty's muscles clenching around him, he wants to taste Matty down there, he wants  _everything_  that Matty has to offer him.

But  _no_  - George has to remember that this is for Matty, not for him, and they've barely done anything yet, so he's going to continue taking it slow, no matter how badly his cock throbs or if he feels like he might faint if he can't get as close to Matty as possible.

"Well get on with it," Matty huffs, his sullen voice lifting the fog that has clouded George's mind momentarily.

Instead of responding with words, George leans down and swallows the surprised noise Matty makes with his mouth, rubbing his tongue over Matty's bottom lip until he opens up like George wants him to.

They kiss for what seems like ages, and even when George's lungs begin to burn and his head starts to feel light and fuzzy, George never wants to stop. George makes himself pulls away when Matty begins whimpering softly, his nails digging into George's shoulder as if to keep George trapped where he is.

"Lick," George demands, holding his hand out with the palm facing forward, too lazy to reach for the bottle of lube he's almost certain is situated in his bedside dresser, not that Matty needed it the last time they did this, but George wants to make this as good for Matty as he possibly can.

Matty doesn't hesitate at all before sticking his damp tongue past his puffy lips, running the muscle from George's wrist to the tips of his fingers liberally before he begins sucking on the digits. The obscene way his mouth stretches around George's knuckles has George dizzy with arousal, his vision fading in and out as Matty's salvia drips down into the webbing of his fingers.

Matty's thighs instinctually spread apart a bit when George removes his fingers out with a soft pop, and George briefly considers throwing his earlier resolve out the window and seeing if Matty really wants them up his arse. He gets distracted when he tugs down the waistband of Matty's trousers though, because Matty's cock is right there, swollen and red and jutting up toward his stomach as if  _begging_  for George's attention.

" _George_ ," Matty gasps loudly when George wraps his slick hand around Matty's length, gripping the base in a tight fist as Matty impatiently kicks away the material that is pooling at his thighs. Matty picks up his knees once they are gone, giving him the leverage he needs to shove up into George's fingers as he moans softly.

Matty doesn't try to keep quiet, which is a trait that George loves. He's gasping and whimpering constantly by this point, his cock leaking all over George's knuckles as he twists his hand around the tip.

It's got George more worked up than anything else ever has, maybe because seeing Matty lose control is so satisfying, maybe because Matty's just so damn gorgeous with his hair splayed out across the sheets and a fine sheen of sweat coating its way down his torso him, or maybe it's simply because George hasn't been with anyone in a while, but  _whatever_  the case is, George's cock is pulsating without even being touched, inspiring him to rut against the mattress as he continues to work Matty's length roughly.

George takes his free hand and begins rubbing across Matty's peaked nipples, glorifying in the shaky cry it elicits from the older man. George has never been with a bloke who's so sensitive there, so he's going to take full advantage of the fact that the simple act has Matty choking on his moans, his cock twitching heavily in George's grasp.

"You gonna come?" George asks darkly when he feels Matty's muscles beginning to lock up.

George sits up slightly so he has a better angle of vision when Matty doesn’t immediately respond, removing his hand from Matty's chest so he can pay more attention to his cock, sucking one digit into his mouth before trailing a finger down toward his balls teasingly.

" _Fuck_ ," Matty hisses, pulling his knees closer to his chest at his hips thrust up sharply, "yeah - don't stop."

George has no plans of doing any such thing, especially when Matty's shift in position exposes his puckered hole briefly.

It's dark in the room, and George can't see much through the shadows that are darkening Matty's thighs, but he swears the delicate circle of muscles is trembling softly. Before George can think about what he's doing, he begins circling his damp finger against Matty's rim - notdipping  _inside_ like he wants to, he just keeps pressure on the spot.

Matty all but screams at the new sensation, the sound transforming into a sort of sob as his cock swells in George's palm. Seconds later, hot streaks of come are splattering across his tattoo as his spine arches so far, his back isn't even touching the mattress anymore.

As soon as Matty collapses against the bed, George shoves his sleep pants and boxers past his knees, rubbing his hard cock against Matty's come covered belly heavily, muttering praises and nonsense and probably Matty's name along with a few curse words in a raspy voice. Matty clutches to him weakly, his body shaking as George bumps against his oversensitive cock which is only just starting to soften.

With a harsh shout, George comes suddenly, his release mixing with Matty's in a filthy parody of artwork that melds with the ink already staining his skin. George stares down at the mess he's made until he's empty, running his hands over Matty's heaving ribs in a soothing manner while their breathing evens out and the onslaught of lust that had overtaken them begins to drain away.

George doesn't say anything as he gets up, tugging his trousers back into place before padding into the bathroom quickly. He washes himself up hurriedly, dampening a cloth for Matty who barely seems to notice when George renters the room. His eyes are closed and he is still in the same position George had left him in, his limbs twitching slightly when George leans downs and begins cleaning him off with gentle strokes.

George is almost convinced that Matty has managed to fall asleep until he begins humming softly in contentment. His eyes flutter open when George brushes his cheek lightly, showcasing his blown out pupils that haven't shrunk back to their normal size yet.

"'m pretty tired now," Matty chuckles softly, lifting his thin hips when George helps him back into his discarded sleep pants.

"Good," George smiles, his heart thudding heavily in his chest as Matty gazes at him with what looks to be adoration, which George isn't a stranger to from the older man, but it's  _different_  this time. "I'll have to remember that for when I can't get you to wind down."

"Cheeky bastard," Matty huffs fondly, scooting over so George has room to lie next him. "You set the alarm right?"

"Of course," George scoffs, and just like that, everything is back to normal.

George's head is reeling slightly at the sudden shift from their explicit activities to their normal domestic mode, but it's not a bad thing. His cock is sated, and Matty's half asleep already, his nose pressing into the crook of George's elbow as he tugs the blankets tighter around him, which has a calming effect on George that even the finest weed can't reproduce.

The last coherent thought George has before he drifts off is that he could easily get used to this added dynamic to their friendship, and he hopes that Matty will want to keep experimenting like this for quite some time.


	7. Burning The Emptiness I've Saved

The first few weeks of touring are as chaotic and dizzying as Matty expects them to be, maybe even more so because of the band's recent jump in popularity, and Matty loves every minute of it - _mostly_.

He's kept busy constantly, whether with something as minute as sleeping while the bus takes them to their next destination, to performing for crowds of screaming fans that continue to amaze him with their enthusiasm for what he does, to interviews, to after-parties, and all the other small nuisances that come with a life on the road.

Matty's always running to the next event, never stopping to catch a breath, and that's how he likes it. It helps him stay sane in a way, because with his mind so preoccupied, he can't twist himself into painful knots that leave him wanting to tear his skin off of his bones.

He also doesn't have time to think of how he still misses Gem and the ache she's left behind in his heart, and that's definitely a positive in Matty's opinion. He's tired of moping about, he did enough of that during his week long stint at George's place.

He still cries himself to sleep the first few nights, but George has somehow programmed himself to wake up when Matty's distressed, even if Matty's being completely silent. The second George's familiar weight pushes the mattress down, Matty's tears dry up and he drifts off without any difficulty.

Lately Matty's emotional wounds have been healing - either that or he's too exhausted to bother with sobbing after giving his all to his shows. He isn't reminiscing on what he and Gem had nearly as much as he would if he was home, so it's only when he is hit with something that reminds him of her or he sees her name on his phone that the ache in his heart picks up again.

That's not to say that he isn't granted a few moments to himself, which typically occur after the show is over and everyone heads back to the hotel room if there is nothing else better to do, which is when the tears begin pricking at his eyes again.

George is usually with him then though, and when Matty's near him, the breakup doesn't pain him nearly as much. This thing they have going on between them hasn't changed their friendship at all, leaving Matty to feel slightly silly since he was so worried that it might.

His fears aren't completely unfounded, because sex has ruined so many things for Matty before - never with _men_ , but with his women friends in the past, which explains why he doesn't have many of them at the moment. Matty has the bad habit of slowly becoming attracted to people once they become close to him, but when the relationship progresses to a carnal one, it always seems to fall apart around him.

He can't let that happen with George though - it would _destroy_ him. Matty needs George more than oxygen, more than water, maybe even more than music, and the loss of him would kill Matty quicker than a bullet to head ever could.

Thankfully there is no sign of damage within their bond yet- _actually_ , Matty might even go so far as to say that they've grown closer instead of pulling apart. George seems to know exactly when to turn on and off that aspect of their lives, and once it's over, he doesn't bring it up, or want to talk about it, he just goes back to pretending that everything is normal.

Matty's previous casual hookups had never been able to maintain that balance, and Matty wasn't the type of person who ignores them after a night between the sheets, especially considering that they were typically friends first - fans didn't count, but George manages to switch from best mate to fuck buddy on a whim, and Matty is borderline enthralled by the contrasting personalities contained inside of the person he once thought he knew so well.

George has surprised him at every turn, because Matty honestly wasn't sure how he was going to react to being with another bloke, but obviously he's at least bisexual. George barely has to snap his fingers to have Matty morphing into a quivering mess, which is impressive to say the least - _startling_ even.

Matty likes sex, he always has, but something about being with George is different. Matty loses himself completely in George, he can't focus on anything else until he's coming hard across George's knuckles - _fuck_ , Matty can't recall the last time a simple handjob felt so good, which of course leads him to wonder what other things will be like with the younger man.

They haven't done anything since the night before they left, but not because Matty doesn't want to, more that he never knows how to find the words to ask.

It feels different on the road than it did in George's flat, and Matty doesn't want to be the one to make the first move. He keeps waiting for George to understand that he wants this to keep going without making him initiate anything, but lately they've been so tired and drunk that they both fall asleep within minutes of climbing into their beds - _separate_ beds mostly unless Matty starts crying, which Matty isn't fond of after spending so many evenings snuggled against George's warm chest.

It's not like George is ignoring Matty, it would be hard to pull that off with the way Matty sticks to George like a second shadow, even more so than he usually does - which is saying something given how close the two of them are.

Matty is actually finding it nearly impossible to distance himself from George lately, he doesn't feel right when they're apart. His head gets too tight, like his temples are about to split apart, and he's even been plagued with random bouts of dizziness that refuse to fade away until George appears and places a comforting hand on the back of his neck.

Part of his unwillingness to be alone is most likely caused by the fact that this is his first tour without the addition of cocaine, which is something that Matty is trying very hard not to think about in an effort to curb the cravings that crawl up his spine whenever he dwells on the topic for too long.

Matty's been doing well - _wonderful_ actual, but it's so much easier staying off of the stuff when he's at home. Now he's playing shows almost every night, and once the endorphins induced by the crowds and the music drain out of his bloodstream, Matty finds himself wanting to recreate it, and the white powder is the only sure-fire way he's found to do so.

He doesn't feel the urge to seek it out when George is there, but that's nothing new. Even during his periods of heavy using, Matty never once did it in George's presence. He hates the way George's eyebrows furrow together and his lips pull into a tight line when he realizes that Matty's high, and even if George never said the words, Matty knows he was worried for him - _disappointed_ in him, and that alone had given him the motivation to quit in the first place.

With the help of Gem and _of course_ George, Matty hasn't touched cocaine in almost three months now, and he's trying to keep it that way, but it's a struggle when George is occupied elsewhere and Matty is left with clammy hands and an itch deep inside of him that he isn't allowed to scratch.

~~~

Matty shakes his head suddenly when he realizes he's spacing out during another interview, his eyes drooping lazily in an effort to protect his corneas from the bright sunlight spilling into the tent they are seated under.

George is currently mumbling something in an attempt to make up for Matty's uncharacteristic silence, his large hands clenching and loosening in a rhythmic pattern that Matty can't seem to look away from.

"What's the question again love?" Matty speaks up when George trails off awkwardly, shooting Matty a look that all but begs for him to help him out here.

"I asked what it's like to suddenly have such a young - mostly female fan base. Was that your intention when you wrote the record?" the short red headed girl reiterates, holding the large microphone in Matty's direction once she's done repeating herself.

"It wasn't on purpose no." Matty chews on his tongue idly, trying to decide how to word his response properly. "It has a pop feel, so it makes sense that it appeals to them, but we didn't go into this saying _'let's make songs for teenage girls'_. We just wrote what we liked and that's a lot of things. Each song's unique - it's not all like Sex and Chocolate."

"Do you think most of your listeners only enjoy the singles or do the majority of them appreciate the album as a whole?"

"I can't speak for them of course," Matty clarifies, growing tired of answering the same questions over and over, but knowing that it's inevitable, "but I mean - have you seen those kids up front? They are fucking mental, singing along to every lyric without missing a beat, so _no_ \- I think the album's gone over great. There will always be those people who only listen to one song, but they're not the ones hugging the rail and waiting for hours to be the first into the venue, and those are the fans I notice the most."

"What about some of the backlash you have received from parents for smoking and drinking on stage?" the girl who's name Matty can't recall presses on, although Matty feels like their time should have been up by now, but if it was, George would be ushering him out of here. He's much better at keeping track of those things, so Matty has learned to leave it to him.

"That's just me, and I'm not trying to influence anyone." Matty leans back, causing the chair he's seated in to creak alarmingly. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices George stiffening, his arm shifting to the left slightly as if in preparation to catch Matty if he falls. "I don't want them to go home and emulate me, and I doubt that they will. They're just here to enjoy music, and I get that people look up to me, but I also trust that they're smart enough to know that just because I do something, it doesn't make it right."

Matty tunes out again after that, leaving George to flounder for answers even though Matty knows George doesn't like talking much in these sort of situations. Luckily the girl finally seems to run out of questions five minutes later, so George doesn't have to struggle for much longer.

"Well as much as I've enjoyed our talk, it seems we've got to wrap things up, but a big thank you to George and Matthew from -"

"It's Matty actually," Matty groans under his breath, wondering why these people insist on fucking up his name even after he's introduced himself.

" _Sorry_ \- Matty and George from The 1975. Their self-titled album is available now so make sure to check it out."

After a short signing following the interview, Matty makes his way back to the bus, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes since the heat of the day is beginning to affect him. George keeps a steadying hand on the small of Matty's back the entire way, the simple touch grounding Matty in a way that he needs right now.

He's not sure why, but something about the interview is eating away at him, leaving him in a stroppy mood. He just wants to sleep for a bit before the show tonight since he didn't get much shut-eye the evening before, which is probably another reason he's so irritated at everything from the redhead to the sun which seems determined to fry him before he can reach shelter.

George stays in the main room once they are inside the cool confines of the vehicle, but Matty continues on toward the bunks alone. He doesn't see the others on the way, which is fine with him, he would rather be left alone right now anyway.

It isn't until he changes into a light pair of shorts and he's curled up under the sheets that he allows him to try and decipher what's bothering him, and it doesn't take him long to find the root of it.

It's the fans - the _kids_ , because that's what they are. Matty's got a good ten years on most of them, and even though twenty-four is nowhere near being old, it sort of feels that way for Matty right now.

It seems like just yesterday when Matty was one of them, when he was going to his first Green Day concert, staring up at the band members in shock and awe, but now people were doing that to him, and the disconnect between the two sides of himself are pulling at each other angrily, leaving Matty stuck in an internal battle that he doesn't know how to end.

This is what Matty's always wanted, to make his mark on the music world no matter how long it took, but at the same time, he thought it would be different. He's not trying to sound spoiled, but he's not as happy as he thought he would be at this point in his life, _in fact_ \- the band is his only source of joy lately.

Matty finds himself thinking back to when he was the age of most of his fans, remembering how he imagined he would turn at and where he would be at the cusp of turning twenty-five.

He'd always wanted to be in a band of course, that's about when The 1975 had started in fact, although under a different name, but the younger Matty had also planned to have a family by this point, or at least be thinking about starting one, but now look at him: no girlfriend, broken-hearted, with the odds of settling down with someone anytime in the near future looking very slim.

That's fine though, it isn't like Matty can complain since he's gotten his dream to make a living through music, but _still_ \- he wants to be in love, to have someone to share in this with him, and until recently, he thought he had found that in Gemma.

It all comes back to her lately, no matter how hard Matty tries to move on. Just when Matty thinks he's at peace with their breakup, a memory will pop up that has him missing Gem so much that it aches.

He's come to the conclusion that he wasn't head over heels for Gemma though, and if he did end up marrying her, he's sure he would regret it eventually. Marriage is a commitment that Matty doesn't take lightly, even dating is a huge thing for him right now with his busy schedule, and he wants to be completely crazy about the person he decides to promise himself to.

Looking back, Matty hadn't put nearly as much effort in their relationship as he could, hell - he barely even knew Gemma if he's being honest with himself. He didn't keep up with her work, or go to her photoshoots, no matter how many times she asked him. Matty think if he was truly in love with her, he would have made time for those things, he would have been willing to move heaven and earth for her, but he wasn't, so it's probably for the best that she broke up with him when she did.

 _Still_ \- that doesn't make the pain of being left any easier to bear, and although Matty wants to believe there is someone out there waiting for him, whether they are male or female doesn't matter anymore, he wishes they had found him already so he wouldn't have to suffer through these periods of suffocating loneliness.

Matty must doze off at some point, although he doesn't recall falling asleep, but the next thing he knows George is leaning over him, brushing his hair back from his neck in a way that has Matty shivering slightly.

"Let's go love, sound check's in an hour," George whispers gently, his hand still resting on his sensitive skin as he speaks.

Matty doesn't immediately move, instead, he wraps his arms around George's torso which is bent at an awkward angle in an attempt to fit into the bunks. He isn't sure why he feels the need for this sudden physical display, but after running himself ragged earlier, he knows that being close to George will soothe him enough to make it through the rest of the day.

George grunts quietly in surprise, but he doesn't pull away or question Matty's behavior. Instead, he leans further into the small space, holding Matty close as he continues to cling onto him.

Matty breathes shakily against George's shoulder, pressing himself against his chest for a few moments before releasing him quickly, the stress from before sloughing off him like a second skin all because of a simple touch.

His previous melancholy fades away when George smiles broadly, because Matty may not have a girlfriend, but he's _loved_ ; he's got George, and Adam, and Ross, and Jon, not to mention the fans, all of whom he's so fucking thankful for. That's more affection than some people will ever get, so he chooses to bask in that realization instead of wasting the hours away pining over something that he's already lost.

~~~

The show that night is _amazing_ \- electric and thriving with energy that Matty swears he's absorbing from everyone around him and injecting into his cells until he's afraid he might burst from the sudden rush of vitality.

The fans are feeling it too, keeping up with his intensity and then some. Matty loves it when it's like this, when it feels like the whole world has shrunken down to one small venue and he's connected to each and every person out there in a visceral way.

Matty can't seem to stay away from George's drum kit, throwing himself in that direction every moment he has the opportunity, spilling wine as he goes, but he forgets the stains every time George's glittering eyes meet his, the lights flashing around them adding another element to the not so subtle glances that has Matty feeling hot and strung out and so fucking _alive_.

Matty gives the others plenty of attention too, crowding into Adam's personal space, circling Jon until he's dizzy, even almost tripping over Ross at one point toward the end of their set. The crowd screams every time Matty flops his legs over the edge of the stage, stretching their arms in an attempt to touch him even though the barrier is a decent distance away.

When the final notes have faded away, Matty almost doesn't want to leave. George has to guide him down the steep steps when Matty stays in place for a little too long, and even then Matty drags his feet and wishes they could have played one more song.

Matty leans against George once they are secluded backstage, his lids falling shut as his back hits George's sweat slick chest. He's pleasantly drunk by this point, his inhibitions falling away as his cock swells slightly in his leather trousers when George pulls him closer, pushing his nose into Matty's tangled curls which long ago fell out of the bun he had placed it in earlier.

But just when Matty's about to suggest they call it a night earlier than usual, George's name is called from somewhere, snapping them both out of the haze they had been, and before Matty can protest, George is wandering over to where Jon is gesturing, leaving Matty feeling bereft and cold when only seconds ago his skin was on fire.

~~~

Matty goes back to the hotel alone, George having disappeared somewhere with Jon and a few of his friends, and although Matty considered finding them, he discards that notion rather quickly, bidding Adam and Ross good night before making his way into his room.

The high from the show is already beginning to ebb, and Matty's previous joy is fading into sullenness quickly. He downs the rest of the wine he carried with him, the lukewarm liquid settling heavily in his stomach as he throws himself across the bed dramatically.

Matty is regretting his decision to not follow George already, but he doesn't want to endure another after-party right now, he just wants George all to himself - he wants to kiss him again, and maybe more. It's been weeks since he's been with someone, fans haven't seemed appealing lately, especially with the large majority of them being so young unlike in the past, but he's almost positive it's George's fault that he hasn't been searching for a quick hookup lately.

George has captured Matty's attention entirely, which is a difficult feat to do, but _of course_ now that Matty thinks he can bring himself to ask for more, George is busy with something else. That shouldn't bother Matty, he's obviously not George's only friend, but he's still more put out than he should be by his absence.

Thinking about George has Matty almost full hard now much to his chagrin. He's ashamed of himself for getting this worked up over his best mate, but that doesn't stop him from stripping down to nothing so he can get a hand on his cock, deciding to take care of his problem himself since George isn't around to do it.

Matty starts out slow, inching his fingers down his stomach as his other hand pinches at his nipples softly. It doesn't feel nearly as intense as it does when George is the one tweaking the hard nubs, but it's good enough to have Matty panting loudly.

He sighs happily as feels hot skin and wiry curls against his hand, closing his eyes in an attempt to pretend that it's George doing this to him instead of himself. A part of Matty thinks it's a bit fucked up that he's imagining his best friend while having a wank, but with the recent agreement they've put in place, it makes sense that he's associating such things with George.

 _Still_ \- it's not something he's done before, and he can feels a bit filthy doing so, but it's not like anyone has to know what he's thinking of, and the dull flood of embarrassment is nowhere near strong enough to make him stop.

Matty's already aching and fidgety by the time he wraps his palm around the base of his cock, gathering some of the precome that's gathering at the tip before starting up a steady motion that's causing his stomach to jump and his thighs to tense up from just a few strokes.

Matty places his other hand around his throat, squeezing lightly every now and then. He isn't sure why he started this habit, but he likes the added sense of constriction, not that he's choking himself very hard, but something about the sensation of being pinned down and overwhelmed gets Matty off, even if it's only himself that's doing the action.

Matty's cock is swollen and leaking, his breath coming in short gasps that he traps in his throat with a tightening of his fingers, his back arching and his balls tensing up when the door lock disengages with a sharp click, freezing Matty in his tracks as he watches George enter the small room.

Matty flushes hard, his chest staining red as George stops the second he spies Matty in such a compromising position, his mouth hanging open as Matty sits there silently, his hand slowly falling away from his cock as he waits for George to say something.

When George remains speechless, Matty considers getting up, maybe covering himself, or even better, asking George to finish him off, but before he can do any of those things, George makes his way to Matty's bedside in a series of long, choppy steps, his eyes darkening with lust as Matty groans low in his throat, his Adam's apple pushing against the palm that's still pressed there.

Matty shifts to the left slightly when George climbs onto the mattress, sitting on his knees as he stares down at Matty likes he's the most wondrous thing he has ever seen. Matty both cringes and preens under the attention, a part of him feeling more exposed than he ever has in his life being caught doing something so intimate, but it's George, and Matty finds himself less mortified than he thought he would be. It's nothing George hasn't heard before after all, but actually being caught is a first for Matty.

"Was wondering where you went," George murmurs, his gaze jumping between Matty's face and his cock as if he can't decide which one he'd rather look at more. "Is this how you usually do it?" George questions softly, the pads of his fingers running across the area of Matty's neck that isn't covered by his own hand.

"Sometimes," Matty shrugs, squirming with agitation when George does nothing else, his cock still hard as ever even with the unexpected interruption, and Matty would very much like to finish what he's started sometime soon. "More so lately," Matty admits, scooting over a bit more so his arm is pressing against the rips in George's jeans, the skin on skin contact sending a shudder down his spine that he does his best to hide.

"Keep going," George whispers in a strained voice after another tense period of silence has passed, which wasn't what Matty expected to hear, but he can't deny the searing rush of heat that shoot through his veins when George settles back onto his heels, patiently waiting to see if Matty will comply with his request.

" _George_ ," Matty whimpers softly, all of his courage from earlier floating away as George shoots him a pleading look tinged with stubbornness that Matty knows all too well. George wants to watch this, and although Matty would much rather George take over, he can't deny George anything.

Matty closes his eyes again before grabbing his cock, unable to face George's rapturous gaze while he does this. It's not as hard as he thought it would be to continue, especially when George begins trailing feather light touches over his ribs, skimming the overheated skin with the pads of his fingers as Matty moans brokenly.

Matty hears the sound of a zipper being pulled down before he notices the loss of George's hands, a phantom pressure ghosting over his sides as if George is still stroking him although it's obvious he's getting his own cock out.

Matty cracks one eye open curiously, wanting to see George full on since he's been otherwise occupied the few times that they've done things like this, and what fills his vision has him whimpering pathetically, his cheeks heating up when the sound hits the open air.

George is huge, his cock overwhelming his hand, which is already quite large to begin with. He's not even fully hard yet, but he's filling out quickly, and although Matty doesn't understand why, his mouth fucking waters as George polish the head roughly, a flush darkening the skin the longer Matty watches.

Matty squeezes his throat tightly when George begins to groan, trying to trap whatever embarrassing noise he's about to make with the pressure before it can slip past his tongue. Matty's body jerks as the pool of heat in his belly notches even higher, George's intense gaze coupled with everything else is almost too much for Matty to bear.

But just when Matty thinks he can't take anything else, George moves, placing the hand that isn't busy working his cock over Matty's, his thumb pressing into the soft spot under Matty's chin which cuts his airflow off entirely. Matty tries to make a sound in between a wheeze and a moan, but it gets tangled up somewhere in his chest, his mouth falling open silently instead.

George moves the digit once Matty's eyes begin to water and he thinks he's going to come out any moment. His entire body feels light and fuzzy from the lack of oxygen, but _fuck_ \- Matty wants him to put it back already.

George gets the idea though without Matty having to speak, which is a struggle for him right now. George takes a moment to observe Matty's face, brushing his hair out of his eyes while searching for any sign of distress before nodding slowly, his pupils widening when Matty manages to produce a desperate whimper.

"Grip my wrist if you want me to stop," George orders, his voice emitting hoarse and broken up almost as if he's the one with a hand wrapped around his throat instead of Matty. He places his thumb back in the same spot, not as hard as before, but still enough to have Matty arching up into his fist as he trembles heavily.

"More," Matty manages to gasp when George loosens his grip, his windpipe aching and his cock leaking all over his knuckles as George increases the pressure of his fingers by a small margin, slipping his digits into the spaces between Matty's until his neck is completely covered.

"Fuck Matty," George growls, "you're so gorgeous like this." Matty moans and blushes under the praise, his eyes closing again as another round of tears sting at them, but this time it's not just from being choked.

Matty thinks George's other hand is back on his cock now since he can no longer see it hovering near his head, but he hasn't got the right angle to look. He's not going to last much longer either way, he can feel the coiling in his gut spiraling to the point where Matty knows he's seconds away from shattering, _in fact_ \- he's surprised he didn't come the second George wrapped a hand around his throat.

Matty's visions sparks at the corners when George moans harshly, his grip faltering just enough that Matty's hit with a sudden head rush, and then Matty's coming, shaking and crying out as he shoots all over his stomach, tears streaking down his cheeks as his lungs burn and his limbs tremble for what seems like forever.

"Matty - _oh god_ ," George mutters before his lips are on Matty's, stealing all of his newly acquired air with his lips and his tongue. Matty's so shocked he barely remembers to open his mouth so George can lick his way inside, his body tingling with aftershocks that are only heightened by the dirty way George is kissing him.

George shudders suddenly, and when Matty feels the hot liquid hit his ribs, he knows George is coming too. He swallows the sounds George is letting out as he reaches blindly, placing a heavy hand over George's as he strokes himself through his release.

George breaks the kiss just when Matty thinks he's about to pass out, resting his sweaty forehead against Matty's for a moment as they both try to come back to themselves after their orgasms. Matty's already feeling languid and sleepy, and although he's covered in come and lying on soiled sheets, he can't be bothered to move or clean himself up.

But just like he always does, George gets up first and heads for the bathroom, shedding his jeans entirely before returning with a damp cloth which he runs over Matty's skin delicately. Something about the way George is so careful with him afterward has Matty's throat closing up on its own, and he thinks he actually might start crying soon if he doesn't regain control of himself.

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Matty blurts out when George tosses away the ruined towel, trying to make himself believe that the only reason he asked is because his sheets now smell like come, but he isn't fooling anyone. Matty winces when he hears how hoarse his voice is, but luckily they don't have a show tomorrow, and he's sure it will sound better in the morning.

"'Course," George grins, lifting Matty's naked body easily in his arms, carrying him over the other side of the room without giving Matty the chance to protest or grab a pair of pyjamas. "I didn't hurt you did I?" George questions when Matty curls up in the fresh blankets, his skin cooling rapidly now that he's gotten his release.

"Nah - I liked it," Matty giggles softly, still feeling slightly light headed and floaty from before. "Do you think it'll bruise?" Matty queries, craning his neck so George can examine it better. The finger-shaped imprints would be a pain in the arse to hide if it did, but Matty sort of wants to see George's mark on his body for some reason he can't explain.

"Doubt it, I wasn't squeezing that hard, it feels more intense when you press here anyway," George explains, nudging two fingers lightly under Matty's chin again before trailing them down lower, supposedly looking for damage which he doesn't seem to find.

"How did you know that?" Matty finds himself saying, because even with his tendency to choke himself, he hadn't been aware of that particular spot.

"An ex liked breath play, so I looked into it for her," George explains, a yawn breaking up his words as he burrows his head further into the pillow, apparently satisfied now that he's assured that Matty is unscathed.

" _Oh_ ," Matty breathes out, once again surprised by another tidbit of information that he didn't know about his best mate, but he's too tired to make any further comment on it.

"Get some sleep yeah? We've gotta be up early for bus call." Matty hums in response, smiling to himself when George throws an arm over him and drags Matty against his chest, their bare skin heating the cool coverings rapidly. Matty practically melts against the bed, feeling more relaxed than he has since the tour started, allowing him to get a full night's sleep which he is in desperate need of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have officially reached the part of the story where I am totally winging it. I have some future events planned out, but I'm still trying to fill in the middle, so bear with me if updates get slower for a bit while I try to figure out how to meld everything together.
> 
> Btw thank you all for the lovely comments I have been getting on this fic. I read every one and they truly make my day.


	8. Leaving The Walls Inside With Flames

George groans under his breath when his eyes open without his consent, because it's early - _too early_ in George's opinion. His alarm isn't going off, and judging by the dark skies he can see through the curtains that he neglected to close all of the way last night, it can't even be five in the morning yet, but for some reason, George is wide awake.

George is tempted to bury his face back in his pillow in the hopes of getting a few more hours of sleep, but he forces himself to keep his lids open. George isn't a light sleeper - that's Matty's forte, but he typically jolts out of slumber when something is wrong with his best friend, so he has to check up on him before allowing himself to doze back off.

George doesn't understand how his body somehow knows that it has to wake up when Matty needs him, but it's been happening for so long that George has stopped questioning it by this point. He supposes that he might subconsciously hear Matty crying, although Matty typically keeps his sobs relatively quiet unless he's alone, but even when Matty isn't visibly upset, George has somehow trained himself to recognize when he's got to be there for him.

Something shifts in the bed next to George, and it's only then that he remembers that he and Matty fell asleep together, and that he's also naked. Matty's bare back presses closer to George for a brief moment, and although Matty isn't sniffling softly like George half expects him to be - _hell_ , he might not even be awake, George wraps his arms around him, pulling the smaller man into a protective embrace.

"You alright?" George asks in a sleep clogged voice, trying to ignore the way his skin is tingling now that he's touching Matty again, each small point of contact sending miniature shock waves down his spine that have him much more coherent than he was a moment ago.

"Yeah - just having a think," Matty responds softly, his tone clear and not at all muddled by the remnants of slumber, which George takes to mean that he's been up for some time. "I can go back to my bed if I'm bothering you."

" _No_ ," George barks out, the one word emitting much harsher than he had intended it to, "uh - I mean, you don't have to. I'm sort of comfortable..." George trails off with a nervous chuckle, idly tracing patterns over Matty's stomach, the muscles in his abdomen jumping under the pads of his fingers in a way that fascinates him. "What's on your mind?" George queries when Matty doesn't say anything else, although he can tell by Matty's body language that he isn't distressed or hiding his emotions away like he occasionally tries to do.

"A lot of things," Matty muses while shifting his body around so he can meet George's eye, "a bit about you actually," Matty admits sheepishly, his gaze darting away just before George's lips split into a wide grin.

"Yeah?" George hums, something warm and potent swelling in his stomach when he imagines himself on Matty's mind which is usually filled with a myriad of other people and events. It's not that George thinks that Matty never dwells on him, but it's the first time that he's ever heard him say it aloud. "All good right?" George teases, enjoying the light blush that dusts Matty's cheeks which he is currently trying to bury under the blanket.

"Of course you twat, it's not like I secretly hate your guts - 'm not that good of an actor," Matty jokes fondly, but there is a frantic undertone to his sentence, like he's trying to cover something up maybe? George isn't sure, but Matty's smiling at him again, so he doesn't pursue it.

"How long have you been up?" George changes the subject after a few moments, not all that worried about Matty's bad sleeping habits for once, mostly because they'll be stuck on the bus all day and Matty can doze off later if he wishes.

"Not sure really," Matty shrugs, his hands moving under the covers until they latch onto George's hips, inspiring George to inch backward slightly so Matty doesn't notice the fact that his cock is a bit heavy and swollen like it usually is in the mornings. "Maybe half an hour."

George hums as an answer, his eyes fluttering shut briefly even though he doesn't want to fall back asleep. He's reluctant to miss this snapshot in time, especially not while Matty's being so affectionate. George hadn't been sure if Matty would want to do anything intimate while on the road, but now that they have, George is realizing how much he missed it, and not just the inevitable orgasm, but having Matty vulnerable and bare and clinging onto George like he is the only person in the world that matters.

"How's your neck?" George finally speaks up, squinting in an effort to see if any bruises had formed overnight, but he can't find any visible marks, and Matty's voice has already lost the hoarse quality it had carried earlier on.

"Good - fine," Matty stammers out, a flush staining his skin that he doesn't try to hide this time, and when Matty shortens the gap between them, George thinks he feels Matty's hard cock brushing against his thigh for a brief moment. "That's one of the things I was thinking about," Matty adds on so quietly that George has to take a moment to work out what he said, but he catches on quickly enough.

"You want me to do it again," George mutters, "choke you?" He drags his fingers across Matty's adam's apple, following it as it bobs up and down when Matty swallows heavily.

"No - well _yes_ ," Matty corrects himself quickly, a tint of embarrassment staining his words as Matty chews on his lip roughly.

"I liked doing it," George admits quietly, his fingers twitching when he recalls how Matty had spilled all over himself when George had wrapped his digits around the slender column a few hours ago.

Matty doesn't respond with words, and it's obvious to George that Matty's struggling to give voice to what's in his head, which doesn't surprise him. He and Matty haven't spoken much about this arrangement between them, or when and how Matty wants to progress things, they've mostly just let it happen.

George waits patiently while Matty gathers himself, wanting to hear what he has to say and knowing that interrupting Matty will be nothing but detrimental.

"I was actually wanting to do something for you," Matty finally spits out, the heat from his cheeks warming George's chest as he pushes onward quickly. "It's always you getting me off you know, and that's not very fair." Matty giggles in a slightly hysterical manner, his nerves manifesting more and more with each syllable that falls from his lips.

" _Oh_ ," George exhales heavily, unsure what exactly Matty means by that, even though his sentiment is obvious, but no matter how badly George wants to discover what Matty has in mind, he doesn't want him to feel obligated in any way. "You don't have to - this whole thing is for you after all." George is tempted to add to his sentence, to try and explain that he likes helping Matty discover his sexuality more than he had ever imagined he would, and that being able to touch Matty so intimately is enough for him, but he keeps his mouth stubbornly closed, knowing he'll only fumble over his words and end up embarrassing himself.

"Well yeah," Matty hums while shifting about some more, his small movements reverberating through the mattress and straight into George's bones, "but I've got to contribute somehow right? I mean - if I do end up with a bloke, I'm sure he's not going to spoil me like you do," Matty chuckles weakly, his eyes darting everywhere but George's face.

"You don't know that," George whispers, fighting furiously against the sudden rush of emotions Matty's statement has produced, not wanting to bother with deciphering their root or delving into why the thought of Matty with another man has him livid and on edge all of a sudden.

"So you don't want me to suck you off?" Matty asks so casually that George chokes on nothing, his body responding instantly to Matty's words even if his mind isn't entirely on board yet.

George can't deny that the idea is appealing, or that he's dreamed about Matty's pretty pink lips stretched wide around his cock more times than is probably healthy, but it's still a bit unsettling to hear Matty say it aloud. He's used to doing things to Matty, to taking the initiative and being in control, and this new element is both exciting and off-putting all at once.

"I don't want you to do anything because you feel like you have to," George clarifies, squeezing his thighs together in an effort to hide his hard cock although it's a pointless attempt. Now that Matty's brought it up, George wants to let Matty follow through on his suggestion so badly - he's _aching_ for him to touch him even though he shouldn't be. He just came not too long ago, but there's something about the way Matty's looking at him right now that has George flushing and desperate and so fucking turned on.

"Oh god - do you ever shut up?" Matty sighs, but before George can think of a witty retort, Matty is kissing him, his hands digging into his collarbones as he drags their still naked torsos together like he's been holding himself back this entire time.

Matty gasps against George's lips as if George was the one to initiate this and he's been caught by surprise instead of the other way around. George moans lowly in response, the remnants of sleep still clogging his brain giving everything a fuzzy edge that somehow has each tiny sensation amplified in his mind a thousand fold.

George starts moving on instinct, his fingers carding through the soft patches of hair on Matty's stomach that lead further down in a tempting pattern until he feels wiry curls under his palm. Matty's skin is hot and soft, and George finds himself wondering if Matty moisturizes. The random thought evaporates as quickly as if forms though, because then Matty's cock is filling George's palm, and nothing else has the ability to capture George's attention anymore.

When Matty gently slaps George's hand away, George actually growls loudly. He's already forgotten what Matty has wanted to do, and now all he cares about is getting as close to Matty as humanly possible.

"You've got to stop if you want my mouth on you," Matty chuckles gleefully, and George can tell he's enjoying this small rush of power in an area where the cards have all been landing in George's favor so far.

"Don't really care, just c'mere," George groans, his heart beating so loudly that he's surprised that Matty hasn't commented on it yet.

"Sit up you twat," Matty orders, and despite the fact that George would be just as happy kissing and rubbing against Matty until they're both spilling across each other's stomachs, he does as he asks, bracing his spine against the headboard as Matty tugs away the comforter that has been obscuring George's lower half from view.

" _God_ ," Matty breathes out when George's cock is exposed, pausing for a span of time that drags out into years in George's mind.

George isn't embarrassed of his body or his cock, but Matty isn't just staring at him, his gaze is boring into his being, his dark pupils constantly expanding until George thinks he's going to be swallowed up in their depths with no hope of escape.

George feels like hiding away again for a moment, but he allows Matty to look his fill, giving Matty free reign in everything this time even though all of his instincts are screaming in protest of this sudden bout of compliance.

George wants to retaliate against this odd sense of vulnerability, he's tempted to lunge forward and pin Matty's skinny wrists to the mattress, to plunder his mouth until Matty's so shaken he can't open his eyes anymore, but George can sense that Matty needs to take this step to allow himself to truly understand what's going on in his head, so no matter how skittish it makes George, he holds his ground, pretending he's unaffected by Matty's intensity even if that's the further thing from the truth.

When Matty leans forward suddenly and licks at his leaking slit, George shudders and gasps, only for reality to come crashing down a second later, causing him to back as far away from Matty as he can, trying to ignore the wet patch on his skin that isn't entirely composed of precome.

"Wait - condom," George heaves out, metaphorically crossing his fingers in the hopes that Matty has some on him, because he had forgotten to pack any and he hasn't yet gotten the chance to replenish his supply quite yet.

"Don't want one," Matty responds with instantly, shocking George with the weight his statement holds, like he's thought about this before and decided this is the route he wants to take quite some time ago. "You're clean right?"

"Well yeah, but still..." George trails off when he fails to produce a coherent argument. He is disease free, and he knows Matty is too since they went and got their most recent physicals together, but George always uses a rubber unless he's in a long-term relationship.

But in a way, he and Matty have that established trust between them. He would never put Matty in danger intentionally, and he knows that if Matty does sleep with someone else, he'll be safe if only to protect George, not to mention it's been so long since George has experienced a blowjob without a condom in the way that he finds himself giving in to Matty's wishes before he even realizes that he has.

"Can I?" Matty asks warily, and as soon as George gives him a shaky nod, Matty's callused fingers are curling around his cock, forming a ring of pressure right under the sensitive tip that has George on the verge of crying out in relief and need.

George finds himself reaching for Matty blindly, his eyes having fallen shut the second Matty made contact with his dick. George digs his fingers into Matty's hip roughly, thumbing at the protruding bone as Matty tentatively strokes George's length.

When Matty leans down sinuously, arching his back as he mouths gently at George's cock, George tangles his fingers in his hair instead, keeping his lids tightly shut even though he's dying to add a visual to this moment.

George still feels a bit off though, and he's not sure why. It's not like he's never had his cock sucked before, in fact - Matty's nowhere near the first person to do this, but it's the simple fact that it's _Matty_ doing the action that has George's stomach in knots and his lungs failing to work when he feels the wet heat of Matty lips encasing the head of dick.

George's first response is to dig his heels into the mattress and snap his hips upward as hard as he can, but he forces his body to remain completely still. George usually likes to be rough with his partners, but this is _Matty_. George can't stand the thought of hurting him, so he locks down all of his muscles as Matty sucks weakly, groaning loudly instead when Matty's tongue snakes past his lips before pressing against the ticking vein on the underside of George's cock.

Matty pauses briefly, and George doesn't even have to ask to know that Matty's starting to doubt himself, so George moans deeply, his hands petting through Matty's hair and down his neck in a form of physical reassurance that he hopes will alleviate Matty's distress.

It seems to work, Matty whimpers softly before sucking in a deep breath and sinking down as far as he can, his cheeks hollowing out as he bobs up and down in a syncopated pattern.

George's cock pulses and his chest heaves when Matty covers what he can't take into his mouth with his fist, twisting his fingers roughly in a way that would almost hurt if it wasn't coupled with the wet suction near his tip.

George's fingers drag against Matty's scalp as Matty goes down further, a quiet moan vibrating past his lips as George does his best to resist the urge to fuck his mouth, his thighs aching and his spine arching despite his best efforts at keeping himself still.

Matty gains confidence quickly, trying to go faster until he ends up chokes lightly. George opens his eyes then, moving back a bit so Matty isn't as overwhelmed. He places his fingers over Matty's where they are still wrapped around the base of his cock, giving him less surface area to work with while at the same time providing himself with a tiny bit of control that he hasn't had so far.

Matty's lips twitch a bit when George rubs his thumb over his knuckles, and George knows he is trying to smile around his mouthful. Their eyes lock for a brief moment, and George can't help but groan in appreciation when he sees the look of glazed pleasure spreading across Matty's irises.

Matty breaks the prolonged moment of contact first, his lids fluttering shut as he inhales heavily through his nose. His tongue flutters up and down George's length as he continues to apply pressure, and George can already feel his balls drawing up as his insides churn with every increasing waves of arousal.

If George is being honest with himself, this isn't the best blowjob he has ever had, but somehow it is all at once. Seeing Matty swallow heavily around his cock as his lips stretch so wide they turn white at the corners is more than enough to push George right up to the edge, and honestly, Matty could just sit in front of George while giving him that fucking sultry look and that would be more than enough to get George hot and bothered and aching for release.

"Matty," George chokes out as his muscles tense up and the pressure in his abdomen becomes nearly unbearable, maybe as a warning, maybe as a plea for more. He pulls gently on Matty's curls, trying to make him realize how close he is, but Matty simply moans around his cock which has George gasping in appreciation. " _Fuck_ \- gonna come," George grunts out, small sparks shooting off in his nervous system with ever increasing frequency.

Matty doesn't stop though, and although George wasn't planning on coming in his mouth, he does just that when Matty's tongue digs into his slit, his spine jackknifing forward as he cries out hoarsely, his entire body tensing and then relaxing as Matty sputters and swallows, a thin line of come mixed with saliva dribbling out of the side of his mouth as he continues sucking George's cock until he's so oversensitive he has to gently push Matty off.

Matty falls back onto his knees, his cock jutting up between his legs angrily as Matty curls his fist around it weakly. George is still reeling from his orgasm, but he quickly finds the energy to inspire his limbs to work again, and within seconds, Matty is trapped underneath his large frame, a soft whimper leaving his swollen lips as George pets over his perineum before moving up to his balls and then the base of his cock.

Matty gasps when George shoves him completely onto his back, his entire body arching upward as if it's connected to George on a visceral level. George pauses for a moment to observe Matty's skin which is dappled from the lights from the nearby buildings spilling through the windows, and he feels his breath catching in his throat when he realizes how fucking _pretty_ Matty looks right now.

Matty's legs are splayed out around George, his cock curving up toward his stomach as his chest heaves lightly. George watches as his thighs tremble in anticipation when George runs the pads of his fingers over them lightly, keeping Matty pinned in place as he sinks down and takes Matty's leaking cock into his mouth eagerly.

Matty all but screams when George allows him to slide into the back of his throat, his hips snapping upward and his hands digging into George's shoulders as George swallows heavily. George knows Matty's close already by the way his cock is twitching sporadically, and the fact that Matty has gotten so turned on just by blowing George has him groaning harshly, the vibrations traveling down Matty's length as the older man cries out loudly.

George hums happily to himself as he moves up slightly, lapping at the precome that's leaking steadily from Matty's slit. The taste is musky and intense and so utterly _Matty_. George fucking loves it, although he's not the biggest fan of sucking cock, even during his few committed relationships.

It's different with Matty though - _everything_ is, and George wants to do this for him, he wants Matty to know how good he made George feel by reciprocating his actions, and not only that, he craves any form of intimacy with him. This escalation from hand jobs to something more will hopefully bring them even closer together, and George wants to experience everything with Matty.

" _George_ ," Matty whines with so much desperation that George has to stop for a moment so he can look at Matty's face, earning himself a disgruntled sound from him when he removes his mouth from Matty's cock with an obscene pop.

The older man has propped himself up on his elbows so he can watch George, but his head is thrown back, his messy curls splaying across his shoulders as his chest heaves up and down rapidly. His neck is coated with a light sheen of sweat that seems to be glittering somehow, and before George realizes what he's doing, he's leaning over and licking the pale column of Matty's throat, groaning when he tastes a slight hint of salt mixed with the clear flavor of Matty's skin.

" _God_ Matty," George chokes out, his teeth scraping across Matty's adam's apple while Matty whimpers softly.

"Please?" Matty begs, his hips twitching forward and his cock rubbing against George's stomach. " _Fuck_ \- need you."

George smirks proudly while hooking his arms under Matty's thighs, spreading them as far apart as they will go before sucking him back into his mouth, lapping at the precome leaking from his slit before he finds a steady rhythm that has Matty shaking and moaning with every increasing frequency.

George can tell when Matty's about to come without his verbal exclamation, his voice pitches upward and the muscles in his abdomen tighten before he's spilling down George's throat, his hips rocking back and forth sporadically until he collapses onto the mattress with a soft whimper.

George licks Matty clean, even running his tongue over the small spot of precome staining his belly while he's still trembling with aftershocks. Matty moans softly the entire time, his fingers idly trailing over any part of George that they can reach until George grabs his wrist gently, pressing a soft kiss to the rapid pulse point ticking away there.

"Fuck," Matty sighs, the curse emerging as more of prayer than anything else. "I can't feel my legs."

George laughs loudly at Matty's statement, not bothering to get back under the duvet before curling his body around Matty's prone frame, pressing his nose into Matty hair while he breathes deeply.

"So...you a fan of sucking cock or do you need more practice?" George teases. Matty rolls his eyes obnoxiously, but he also nestles as close to George as humanly possible, one of his hands splayed across George's chest under which his heart is still beating rather audibly.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought, even if it's sort of hard to learn on you. Don't know how your poor girlfriends survived with that thing."

"Oh sod off," George huffs, "it's not _that_ big."

"More like fucking _huge_ ," Matty giggles, his cheeks tinting red as he buries his face in George's neck. "I think I liked it though, was enjoyable watching you fall apart for once."

"You don't have to suck my cock for that to happen." George tries to nail a lighthearted tone, but the statement emerges heavy and weighted, and George wonders if Matty knows how serious he's being, but when he looks down to try and gauge Matty's reaction, the other man's eyes are slipping closed, and although he hums in what might be agreement, he's obviously already half asleep, so George decides to join him in catching a few more hours of shut-eye before they have to depart.

~~~

George wakes up first this time for once, shutting off the alarm on his phone so it won't disturb Matty. By the time he's finished gathering up their things and brewing himself a cup of coffee, Matty still hasn't stirred.

George thought for sure that the smell would wake him, but apparently not. George ends up having to physically shake Matty into consciousness when some friendly shouting doesn't work either, but even once Matty's eyes are open, he refuses to budge off of the mattress.

"You're going to miss bus call if you don't move soon," George scoffs when Matty simply gathers the comforter tighter around him after George tries to tug it away, curling into a ball composed of bare limbs and an excessive amount of fabric. He looks so peaceful right then that George stops wrestling with his coverings, but as much as he wishes he could let Matty sleep the day away like he probably needs to, he's got to get him on the bus first. "I wouldn't put it past the boys to get permission from Jamie to leave you behind."

"Good luck playing tomorrows show without a singer," Matty retaliates, peeking his head up slightly when he realizes that George is no longer attempting to steal his blankets. "Plus, Jamie wouldn't do that, he adores me."

"He probably would, it'd teach you a lesson for being such a lazy twat."

"I didn't know we were doing self-evaluations this morning," Matty sneers, but his eyes are sparkling with suppressed laughter that he's not able to hide.

"Shut up and get in the shower before I throw you in there myself, you smell like come," George sighs. As much as he's enjoying this playful banter with his best friend, he is painfully aware of the seconds sliding away from them the longer they keep talking, and hopefully the hot water will get Matty functioning again.

"Most of it's yours." Matty sounds almost proud of that fact, and George's stomach swirls with something potent when he sees the languid look in Matty's eyes.

"True - I'll wash it off if you want," George smirks smugly, not anticipating Matty's nod of agreement, but that's exactly what he receives when Matty sits up properly, letting the blankets covering him pool in his lap as he stretches lazily.

"Might as well get clean together if you're so worried about being late," Matty scoffs like he's not being serious, even though the questioning gaze he turns in George's directions tells him that he actually wants George's company, but he's not going to ask for it aloud in case George was only messing around.

"Yeah - 'course." George clears his throat roughly when Matty finally slides out of bed, still completely nude and not at all bothered by the fact, although George isn't either.

It's just odd being able to look at him without trying to be discrete, not that George ever purposely attempted to steal glimpses of Matty naked, it just happens sometimes, but now they are about to shower - _together_. That's another first for them.

George thought that after being friends with Matty for so long, they would have run out of new experiences by now, but under the pretense of their agreement or _whatever_ the fuck it is, George is now granted permission to delve into a previously inaccessible world of activities that he would typically only participate in with a girlfriend or boyfriend.

George trails behind Matty slowly as they enter the bathroom, trying to be discrete with his sidelong glances as he watches Matty bend over so he can fiddle with the knobs and run his hand through the water, testing the temperature as George strips out of the clothes he had put on earlier.

George doesn't realize that he's been spacing out until Matty calls his name, his spine jerking slightly as Matty steps over the lip of the tub before gesturing for George to join him.

It's a bit awkward at first, at least for George. The shower itself is large enough for the both of them, but George feels like the walls are closing in around him with every passing minute. His hands twitch at his sides as Matty rubs soap over his torso hurriedly, tilting his neck back so he can wet his curls before reaching for some shampoo.

George wants to crack a joke, to maybe remind Matty that he's supposed to be cleaning him up or something else like that, but his tongue is lying heavy and thick in his mouth, and it's easier to say nothing at all and wait for Matty to speak first, if he's even going to that is.

George belatedly begins to clean himself as well, both of them staying silent the entire time. Occasionally their bare skin brushes up against each other when one of them moves, and each time George feels like he's been hit with a lethal voltage of electricity that leaves him frazzled and dizzy.

George is almost finished washing up when Matty suddenly inches into his personal space, his shoulder bumping against George's chest as he scoots over so George can rinse his hair out. George keeps his eyes closed as the last of the suds run down his back, but when he allows them to open again, Matty fills his entire vision, his dark eyes gazing at him with a look that George can't quite place.

Matty continues to peers up at George with hooded lids, his damp curls falling across his forehead as he tilts his head to the side. Moving entirely on instinct, George pulls Matty up against him, allowing their noses to brush together before George leans down and captures Matty's lips with his own.

It's a strange melding for them; all of the frantic, pent up energy that usually thrums through George's veins has been eradicated. He's not looking to get off since that's already been taken care of earlier, he's just enjoying the moment.

Matty's skin is soft and wet, his lips pliant and warm, his tongue gentle and tentative as they kiss lazily, the hot water running down their joined bodies like a cleansing rain that's healing them both from previously unnoticed wounds.

George hasn't done something like this in ages - kissing just for the sake of it that is. George typically views it as an act reserved for his more serious relationships, because in most cases he only kisses someone to escalate things, but this was _different_ \- a special snippet of time that George never imagined he would be sharing with Matty.

George realizes then that he doesn't want this to end, that he loves this added sense of intimacy with his best friend. He knows that Matty will eventually find someone else, or decide that he's experimented enough and that he obviously like blokes, but George is secretly praying for that day to hold off until the very distant future.

George lets his fingers tangle in Matty's hair, his thumb grazing over the shorter patch from where Matty's shaved sides are growing out. Matty gasps softly into George's mouth, his posture practically melting as George continues with his gentle movements.

George keeps petting through Matty's damp locks with a tenderness that he hasn't yet had the chance to exhibit with the older man, each sound Matty makes in response filling a space inside of him that George hadn't even realized had been empty until just now.

Matty clutches onto George tightly the entire time, clinging to him like he'll fall otherwise, and even though George is waiting for Matty to pull away, to snap back to his senses when what they are doing hits him, he doesn't.

This is new territory for the both of them - they are treading on dangerous ground that is full of pitfalls and deeper meanings that George doesn't want to think about, but Matty seems just as lost in the act as George is, and a part of George wishes they could stay together in this small hotel shower for the rest of their lives.

A niggling portion in the far reaches of George's mind is trying to remind him that this is all temporary - that Matty's not his, and he can't get complacent or else he'll end up hurt when this all reaches its inevitable termination, but it's hard to focus on the negatives when Matty wraps his slender hands around the back of George's neck, dragging him even closer as the steamy air obscures them from the rest of the world.

George trails his fingers down Matty's spine lazily, tracing each individual bone as Matty moans quietly into his mouth. Their cocks are pressing against each other's now, both of them hard from just a few minutes of nothing but teeth and tongues melding together.

Matty starts to whine when George reaches the top of his arse, his hips pushing outward in a silent invitation that George hasn't been expecting. George pets over the soft skin tentatively, his mind going blank when the pad of his thumb catches against Matty's crack and Matty whimpers into his mouth.

Matty breaks the kiss then, resting his forehead against George's chest as he pants loudly. George gasps when Matty starts to scrape his teeth over his collarbones, biting down occasionally before licking over the small indents he's most likely leaving on George's previously unmarred skin.

Feeling bold, George allows his hand to follow the line leading down to Matty's most secret place, feeling the puckered hole that he hasn't had a chance to explore just yet. Matty moans harshly when George puts pressure on it, tracing around the small entrance as Matty's knees tremble and his nails dig into George's ribs as he tries to keep himself upright.

George is just beginning to contemplate reaching for the body wash nearby so he can slick up his fingers when a harsh banging emits throughout the room. Matty jumps away from George like he's been burned, his eyes going wide when the sound repeats itself, followed by the irritated voice of Adam.

"You fuckers better be awake because we were supposed to leave five minutes ago," Adam yells harshly, and it's only then that George remembers bus call. It had all been eradicated the moment he had stepped into the shower with Matty, but now reality is crashing back down around him so quickly he is left staggering as he tries to adjust.

"Shit," Matty curses hotly. He spins around so fast that George thinks he's going to fall, but he manages to keep his feet. "We're coming," Matty shouts back as he turns off the shower before all but bolting from the steamy room, leaving George behind as he rushes about looking for clothes while toweling his hair off at the same time.

George eventually remembers how to move, doing his best to ignore his still hard cock and how pissed Adam probably is with them, which isn't difficult to do since he can't seem to stop replaying the last few minutes with Matty in his head, and even when they are finally settled down on the bus after receiving a short lecture, George finds himself concocting scenarios involving what would have happened if he and Matty hadn't been interrupted.

George tries to focus on something else - _anything_ really, because he feels shaken and confused whenever he dwells on what had just occurred. It had been so different from any encounter he and Matty had shared so far, and George can't place his finger on why that is.

George had liked it, that's not the problem, but now that the moment has passed, he feels off, disconnected from everyone in a way, especially Matty. George doesn't understand how that works, because he had never felt closer to his best friend than he had this morning, but now everything is muddled in his mind, and George doesn't know what to think.

Matty seems introspective as well for most of the day. He keeps his distance from George, not avoiding him so much as just occupying himself with other things, and for once, George is grateful for the small separation, even though it worries him as well. George doesn't try to approach Matty though, they both need some time to work things out on their own, that has to be why George feels so uncomfortable in his own skin.

George comes to the conclusion that contrary to what he said to Matty earlier, this agreement isn't all about the older man - it affects him too, and although he hasn't had any trouble shifting his mentality to accommodate their new dynamic so far, it was bound to happen eventually.

Everything will be okay though, George is sure of that. It's not like he wants to stop doing things what Matty - _not at all_ , he just needs to find the balance he used to be able to maintain between their sexual activities and their friendship, and by the time George is dozing off in his bunk, he's calmed down considerably, even though he's still not sure what got him so worked up in the first place.

~~~

Something changes after that day, but George doesn't know what exactly. He can't figure out if it's to do with Matty maintaining the slightly aloof aura he's been surrounding himself with lately, or if it's because George is attempting to shut down parts of his mind in a sort of defense mechanism to prevent himself from returning to the confused state he had been in after their shower, but whatever the case is, there is a barrier between them now, and George _hates_ it.

The obstruction is thin, transparent even at times, and it's not like they are angry or ignoring each other, it's just _different_. Matty still sticks to George's side for the most part, but he's quieter than usual, and he doesn't seem at all inclined to do anything sexual over the next few days, which is probably a good thing given how lost George got in their last encounter.

It's on stage where George notices it the most; it's as if Matty is just going through the motions instead of losing himself in the music like he usually does. He's still dancing and screaming like everyone expects, and most of the fans probably haven't noticed that anything is amiss, but George can tell that Matty isn't as into his performances as he used to be.

George mulls over this recent shift late at night when Matty's off somewhere or asleep in his bunk, trying to work out if he's done something wrong or if this is just another of Matty's frequent mood swings.

In all honesty, the older man is probably just tired, and George is a bit knackered himself. They've been playing shows nonstop with very little downtime, and the whole touring constantly aspect is still a bit new to them, so that's most likely all that it is.

 _Still_ \- George can't help but worry. Matty doesn't seem upset - not _really_ , but something is festering inside of him, whether it's to do with George or not, he can't tell, but he does know that he's hiding something from him, and that in itself is very unlike Matty.

George doesn't bring it up though, in fact, he tries to act as normal as possible just in case this disturbance is somehow caused by him. He's tempted to ask Adam and Ross if they've noticed anything amiss with Matty, but he refrains from that as well, mostly because he's afraid he'll end up spilling their secret arrangement if pressed.

Matty still hasn't told anyone about what they are doing, and George isn't going to go behind his back, no matter how much he needs some advice coupled with an outsider's perspective at the moment.

George constantly reminds himself that things could be worse, and he does his best not to dwell on the new tension that's sprung up between him and Matty, even though that's a much more difficult task than it seems.

~~~

They're halfway through their set one evening when Matty pauses for a bit longer than usual after singing Girls. George has just been thinking that this seems to be one of their better shows, that everyone's in sync and flowing well, but now he's confused, his hands poised above his drums as he waits for Matty to introduce the next song, but Matty stays silent, his eyes fixated on a spot in the crowd somewhere off to the right.

" _Fucking hell_ ," Matty mumbles into the mic before taking a few shaky steps closer to the edge of the stage. George follows his movements with his gaze, trying to decipher what's caught Matty's attention so completely that he seems to have forgotten where he is, but he gets his answer as soon as Matty starts speaking again. "You look _so_ much like Gemma."

George's stomach twists so violently that for a moment, he thinks he's going to be physically ill. He's not sure why he's having such a negative reaction to Matty's fascination with Gemma's apparent doppelgänger, but it's probably because Matty sounds so fucking heartbroken right now.

George can practically feel the longing pouring off of him, and it hurts George as if he's the one pining for someone he's lost. He doesn't know how to react, especially since he's trapped behind his drum kit and he can't rush to Matty's side like he's aching to, so he just sits there and tries to pretend that he's not falling apart inside.

Some of the fans start screaming after his statement, but although George scans the area near where Matty's looking, he can't see the Gemma look alike, but honestly, he's more focused on Matty than some girl who happens to share a resemblance to Matty's ex-girlfriend.

Matty snaps out of his state quickly though, smiling sheepishly as the excited cries taper off before finally picking up his guitar and playing the opening notes of Robbers.

George struggles through the song, his typically focused mentality that he adapts during concerts has been ripped away entirely, and it's hard to remember when to bring his sticks down when Matty's broken tone of voice is echoing inside of his head louder than anything that's coming through the speakers.

~~~

George follows slowly behind Matty as they make their way off stage. For some reason, he's reluctant to close the gap between them, although at the same time all he wants is to pull Matty close to him and never let him go.

Matty's walking quickly though, handing his guitar to a tech with barely a word as he heads deeper into the venue they're in. George continues to trail after him even though Matty hasn't looked back once, wanting to be there just in case Matty's running off to go have a cry over Gem away from all the prying eyes surrounding them.

Sure enough, Matty ducks into an empty room, plopping down heavily on the couch inside with a soft sigh. George hovers awkwardly in the door, his presence still unnoticed by the older man, and for now at least, George is okay with that.

But instead of breaking out in tears like George half expects him to, Matty begins fiddling with his phone instead, pressing the device to his ear once he's finished scrolling through his contacts, or at least that's what George assumes he was doing.

George knows he should leave; Matty obviously wants to make this call in private, but his feet seem to be nailed to the floor, so he stays put for the time being.

"Hey Gem," Matty greets the person on the other end of the line who George now knows the identity of, a small smile spreading across his lips at whatever she says in return. "Nah...just finished a show, wanted to see what you were up to."

George backs away from the door as quietly as he possibly can, pressing his back against the nearby wall as his knees shake and his heart seems to sink down into his stomach. The sick feeling from early is rising up within him again, leaving George so dizzy he actually has to sit down for a moment in fear of toppling over otherwise.

George can't really hear the conversation occurring in the room next to him now that he's moved away, just the soft cadence of Matty's voice as he chatters away, but George doesn't want to listen in anymore, although in some weird way he's desperate to know exactly what Matty's saying and what Gemma's replies are.

George hadn't been aware that they still talked often - _hell_ , maybe they don't and this is just a one-off caused by the fan who looks so much like Gemma, but either way, George feels like Matty's been hiding things from him, and George fucking _hates_ it.

That has to be why he's so upset, it's the only rational explanation. George doesn't care if Matty's is still friendly with Gemma - she's a lovely person, and she made Matty happy at one point in time, so George has no problem with them continuing to keep in contact.

He just wishes that Matty had told him though, or maybe turned to George first before hurrying off to call Gemma. George is used to being the one Matty turns to when he needs to be comforted, and this change of pace has him alarmed and uncomfortable, which has to be the cause of the strange sensations he is feeling.

Not wanting to subject himself to this odd brand of torture involving Matty's laughter and one-sided statements, George slips away quietly, heading out in search of Adam and Ross as well as some weed and liquor which he can obscure his unexplained emotions in.

~~~

George wakes up with a blinding headache in a bed that's not at all familiar to him. He thinks it might be Ross's, he remembers retreating to his and Adam's room last night after drinking so much he could barely stand without help, but maybe they put him back in his room after he passed out.

"You alive over there George?" Adam's voice resounds far too loudly for George's liking, causing his temples to throb and his stomach to clench with pain, but his presence does confirm his earlier hypothesis at least.

"Barely," George manages to rasp out, "you?" George asks, remembering how Adam had been matching him shot for shot for most of the evening, but Adam's always been remarkably skilled at dealing with hangovers.

"Better than you lot," Adam chuckles, his torso appearing in George's vision when he forces his eyes to crack open, even though he instantly wants to shut them again when the light from the overhead lamp floods through his brain. "There's meds on the side table if you want."

"Thanks Hann," George grunts weakly, taking far too long to maneuver himself into a sitting position so he can reach the small pills next to the glass of water Adam has so thoughtfully laid out for him. "I don't understand how you aren't dying right now," George mutters once he's drained half the cup, the cottony taste in his mouth slowly fading away now that it has some moisture in it.

"Because I know how to handle my liquor," Adam smirks, throwing himself across the end of the bed George is in lazily, "although you did drink loads." He pauses for a moment, looking George up and down out of the corner of his eye before speaking again. "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, 'course," George answers instantly, even though he's not sure that it is.

Some events of last night might be a bit fuzzy, but George knows that Matty never showed up to the small after party they were at, and he also didn't call or text George in an attempt to find out where they were, which had caused George to continue drinking long after he should have called it quits.

"You sure?" Adam presses, his eyebrows pulling down as he shoots George a quizzical look. "You just seemed a bit... _off_ I guess."

"I -"

Whatever excuse George was about to fabricated together is interrupted by a sharp knock on their door, followed by Matty calling out loudly for them to let him the fuck in, which Adam does a few moments later.

"Hey mate," Adam greets Matty cheerfully, but Matty barely seems to notice him, he's too busy sending George a venomous glare that has George instantly on the defensive as he juts his chin out stubbornly. "I'm going to go check on Ross and John," Adam mumbles quietly before slowly backing out of the room as if any sudden movements will transfer Matty's wrath onto him.

"Where were you last night?" Matty snaps as soon as the door shuts behind Adam's retreating figure, crossing his arms over his stomach in what is probably supposed to be an intimidating gesture, but George thinks it looks more like Matty's trying to protect himself from an invisible blow instead.

"Right here," George shrugs tiredly, not understanding why Matty seems so bothered by this fact. He has no right to be upset if George needed some time to himself, especially not since he's the reason George is in this miserable state in the first place. "Went out with Adam and Ross, you could have joined you know?" George adds on when Matty stays silent, his jaw clenching so tightly that George wonders if his teeth would shatter with a bit more pressure on them.

"You never came to bed," Matty spits out like George has committed one of the seven deadly sins, his eyes literally sparking when George huffs under his breath.

It's true that they usually sleep in the same room, it's a habit for them, especially on tour, but there has always been evenings when one or the other of them has stayed out, and it's never irritated Matty before now, so George isn't going to allow the older man to guilt trip him.

"No I didn't," George retorts coldly, his spine stiffening up when Matty tugs his fingers through his hair in frustration.

"You could have a least told me," Matty hisses, his tone dripping with so much spite that George actually flinches slightly. "I was worried sick about you."

"I was right down the bloody hall," George groans loudly. He's not in the mood for this, his head hurts and he's only just woken up. Matty's being downright unreasonable, and George isn't willing to placate him this time. "You're the one who disappeared after the show, not to mention you could have called me if you were so damn curious about what I'm up to when I'm not with you. You're not my keeper you know?" George retaliates, failing to mention that he followed Matty when he tried to slip off and also eavesdropped on a bit of his conversation with Gemma.

Matty doesn't respond with words, he just stares at George, his pupils wide and his lashes fluttering slightly as George waits for some form of verbal response. George's gaze stubbornly meets his, and he realizes that Matty looks distraught, truly, visibly _upset_ , and it is only then that George comes to the conclusion that he may have fucked up.

Something must have happened last night after Gem's call, and George wasn't there for Matty. Matty could have searched him out of course, but _still_ \- George has been doing everything in his power to keep Matty safe and protected lately, to be that pillar of support that Matty so desperately needs, but he failed him this time, and even if he doesn't think he technically did anything wrong - in fact, he was hurting as well because of Matty's actions, the older man doesn't know that, so from his point of view, it seems like George had abandoned him.

George is about to apologize, to tell Matty that he didn't mean to snap and that he will make sure to let him know the next time he's going to stay out all night, but Matty doesn't give him the chance.

Before George can open his mouth, Matty's spinning on his heel and stalking out of the room, slamming the door behind him so loudly that the reverberations echo throughout the room long after Matty's footsteps have faded away.

~~~

Matty spends the entire day visibly pouting in the front lounge of the bus with his knees drawn up to his chest and one of his lyric notebooks balanced on top of them.

The rest of the band makes an unspoken agreement to give him a wide berth, resulting in everyone skirting around the area that Matty's in while they try to keep themselves occupied, but Matty still snaps spitefully whenever anyone makes too much noise, and he all but yells at Ross when he tries to get him to eat something.

George is still hungover and grumpy, and he knows his irritable nature won't dissipate until he makes amends with his best mate, but George is also aware that they're both on edge and frustrated, and if he attempts to patch things up now, he could very well end up making it worse.

George waits for a sign that Matty's ready to talk civilly again, keeping his eyes glued on the smaller man whenever he wanders into the kitchen for a fresh cup of coffee or some snacks, but Matty doesn't meet his gaze - not even once.

George knows Matty will probably only shout at him if he did catch his attention, but that almost seems better than the endless silence he's receiving from the other man.

Eventually, George gives up on going near Matty entirely and retreats into his bunk, booting up his laptop in the hopes of distracting himself from anything and everything Matty related.

George pulls up the last track he was working on which is an entirely instrumental piece that's he's extraordinarily proud of. He's been keeping Matty updated on his progress, and Matty seems to be just excited about it as George is.

George hits play so he can listen to what he has so far, humming under his breath as the soft, ethereal sounds fill his ears. He's almost finished with it, in fact, it probably just needs a few tweaks before it gets Matty's full approval, so George isn't entirely sure what he's planning on doing with it at the moment, but something about it always manages to calm him.

As the song continues to loop, George finds himself thinking about sex - not fucking just to get off, but passionate, intimate, carnal acts. The soft build-up coupled with the abrupt ending trickling away into soft piano tones just seems to fit with the picture playing in George's head, and even though the scene looks suspiciously similar to his and Matty's private moment in the shower the other day, George doesn't dwell on it.

He wants to name the song something to that effect, not _'sex'_ obviously - been there, done that. George's knees twitch as a sudden desire to go bounce ideas off of Matty arises in him. He will be able to produce the words that George is struggling with, but George forces himself to stay still, starting the track over again in hopes of finding some inspiration on his own for once.

John comes by not long after that, his footsteps almost soundless as he gives George a small wave. John looks a bit lost as he turns to leave again, so George invites him to sit, making room for him on the bunk as his laptop continues to play quietly.

"That new?" John asks curiously, his eyes lighting up when George nods in affirmation.

"Yeah, been working on it for a bit. Hoping that Matty will like it enough to put in on the next album."

"I'm sure he will," John grins reassuringly, his tense posture unwinding a bit as his eyes slip closed while he listens to the rest of the track. "It's really good."

"Thanks," George all but beams, shutting off the laptop so he can give John his full attention. He's able to sense the nervous energy radiating off of the other man, and especially with this being John's first tour with them, he wants to make sure that he's alright.

"Everything good with you?" George asks when John starts twiddling his thumbs, making sure to keep his tone light so John will know that he doesn't have to answer if he doesn't want to.

"Yeah - I mean, it's a bit weird right now you know?" John shrugs. "Just trying to stay out of everyone's way."

John doesn't have to clarify that by everyone he means Matty, George isn't an idiot, and he sort of expected John's response. John's known Matty for long enough now that he's getting accustomed to his quirks, but John's never seen Matty on the road, which means he's not used to the little fits he throws when things become too much for him.

"Don't worry about Matty mate. He gets like this sometimes - _hell_ , we all do. We are still getting used to this lifestyle too, so don't be afraid of him. He's just being a twat because something's gotten under his skin and he doesn't know how to deal with it yet, but he'll go back to normal in a day or two."

"Is he okay though? I mean, maybe you should try to cheer him up or something. He always seems happier when you're around."

George knows that John's statement was casual in nature, but it seems to strike somewhere deep in his chest in a manner that's borderline painful. George smiles weakly when John sends him a questioning look, his mouth hanging open as he fumbles around for a suitable response.

"Maybe later yeah? I think I'm half of the reason he's so stroppy right now," George admits sheepishly, not wanting to delve into their ridiculous fight from this morning any time soon, and John seems to catch the hint.

"'Course, it was just a suggestion."

John changes the subject then, moving on to their next show and something about the new mouthpiece he's thinking of trying out, but George's brain is foggy with thoughts of Matty and he can only manage a polite nod every now and then.

The thing is, George wants to go to Matty. It's barely been a day since they have apparently decided to stop talking to each other, but George misses him already. He still has some pride though, and as long as Matty is acting like a petulant child, George is going to continue giving him the cold shoulder.

~~~

George hears a soft thump coming from the direction of Matty's bunk a little after midnight. He has been trying to sleep with terrible results, it is too hard to drift off when his worries for Matty are weighing down his heart and leaving his chest feeling tight and uncomfortable.

They still haven't said a word to each other, even when they all stopped to eat at a small dinner. Matty actually hadn't really spoken to anyone, and he had headed to bed early claiming that he was exhausted.

George had hoped that whatever was irking the other man so much would work itself out within a few hours, because even if Matty is still upset with George, he can't be the root of his foul mood, but it seems that George will have to wait a bit longer before attempting to reconcile with his best friend.

George peeks his head out when the sound is repeated, curious to see if Matty's getting up, or maybe he just dropped his phone. George curses himself when his eyes lock with Matty's as the other man's feet hit the floor, because George doesn't want to appear like he's keeping tabs on him, even if that's exactly what he's doing.

"You awake?" Matty utters his first sentence to George since this morning, his thin fingers twisting in the loose singlet he wore to bed nervously.

"Yeah," George states the obvious, pulling back the curtain on his bunk a bit more so Matty can see all of him. "You alright love?" The pet name slips out before George can stop it, and Matty visibly shivers in response. "Come here Matty," George gestures to the small spot next to him when Matty continues to stand there as small tremors make their way down his spine, and much to his surprise, Matty all but sprints over to his bed before climbing in next to George.

It's like whatever tether keeping them apart visibly snapped from one moment to the next, and even though George was quite miffed with Matty only minutes before, now all of those negative emotions have drained out of him so quickly that George has almost forgotten they were there in the first place.

"'m sorry," Matty mumbles hoarsely, his voice sounding like he's been crying for hours on end even though George hasn't heard so much as a sniffle coming from the direction of his bunk.

"I'm sorry too," George apologizes for whatever it is he's done without really knowing what the true source of Matty's fit was, but it doesn't matter anymore as long as Matty's okay now.

"I wasn't mad - not at _you_ , I just worked myself into a fit," Matty tries to explain, but George can tell that talking about it is making him agitated again, so he shushes him gently, brushing his fingers down Matty's spine like he always does when Matty's distraught.

"It's fine love, we're fine."

Matty exhales heavily in relief, and although George sort of expects Matty to crawl back into his own bunk now that whatever happened between them is resolved, his snuggles into George's side instead, filling the small amount of space George has made for him by scooting all the way over to the wall.

"Can I stay here?" Matty asks after a bit, his lashes brushes against George's collarbone when he opens his eyes so he can peer up at George's shadow covered features with a ridiculous pout pulling down at his lips.

George's heart shouldn't beat faster because of Matty's query, in fact, it's already pretty sodding uncomfortable having two bodies squeezed onto a mattress that's barely big enough for George's frame, but George doesn't care if he wakes up with a crick in his neck and stiff muscles as long as Matty's there with him.

"Course, just don't fall out yeah?" George chuckles, wrapping his arms securely around Matty's torso to make sure that he won't be able to roll away in the middle of the night.

"I'll try not to," Matty grins, "but you'll catch me if I do right?" Matty's tone is light and teasing, but George senses a hidden meaning behind the question that he can't quite understand - _still_ , he somehow knows his answer means more to Matty than it should.

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait on this update, but this chapter ended up being almost 11k words long and I didn't want to split it up without resolving the conflict so it took me ages to get it all written down.
> 
> I actually love this chapter so much like I don't even know how to explain it. I stan this fic so hard even though I'm the author which is odd since I'm usually very critical of my own works but this story just makes me so happy to write. I'm having a very enjoyable time with this.
> 
> Also I saw The 1975 live on Thursday and I basically died. It was one of the best days of my life even without George there, and I hope I'll get to attend another of their concerts sometime soon.


	9. There The Wars Will Rage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyy it's my birthday so what better way to celebrate than with a long af chapter.

Matty jolts awake violently, the remnants of a terrible dreaming ghosting across his brain before the images evaporate in a puff of smoke, erasing the pictures that had been tormenting him, but not the after effects.

Matty's head is hurting and everything's spinning. He thinks he's going to be sick for a brief moment even though he's not hungover at all so his stomach has no reason to be protesting violently.

Matty wrenches the curtains to the bunk out of his way, breathing heavily as he tries to calm his racing heart. He feels oddly disconnected as he watches his limbs move almost on autopilot, as if his mind is trapped in a panicked state that hasn't leaked down into his bones just yet.

Matty tries to relax, to close his eyes and will his body into a calmer state, but his lids flicker open again instantly, the fear of being dragged back into the terrible nightmare that has left him this shaken keeping him alert and borderline panicked, his fingers trembling minutely as he attempts to even out his erratic breathing.

But then George shifts in his sleep, subconsciously throwing one arm over Matty's waist, and the pressure of his touch grounds Matty, pulls him back down to earth and suddenly, everything's bearable again.

Matty gazes up at George after reclining against the sheets, finding a rare sense of solace in the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathes evenly. George is shirtless, and even though the lighting's bad, Matty thinks he sees small marks on his collarbone from when Matty bit down on him during their shower together, and he finds himself wanting to leave a darker bruise the next time he gets the chance.

Matty's just beginning to settle back into the divide between sleeping and waking, George's soothing presence allowing his thoughts to cloud over as his lids grow heavier by the second when someone rolls out of their bunk with a loud thump, the sound jolting Matty back into full awareness much to his chagrin.

Matty lifts his head curiously, seeing Ross pulling on a pair of shoes while somehow managing to make an inordinate amount of noise in the process. Matty just wants to get a few more hours of shut eye before they stop for the day, but he knows that isn't going to happen until Ross vacates the area.

"Hann, you owe me fifty quid," Ross chortles gleefully as he passes by Matty's - well, _George's_ bunk, the curtain which Matty had left open revealing George still securely wrapped around Matty's smaller form.

"What the bloody hell for?" Adam's voice yells back before the man himself appears in the hallway, a piece of half eaten toast hanging out of his hand, spreading crumbs everywhere most likely. "Oh, _that_ \- fuck you Ross I told you that bet was off ages ago."

"What bet?" Matty sputters indignantly, tearing himself out of George's hold roughly so he can sit up, shooting both of his friends a spiteful glare. He's already irritated at being disturbed at such an ungodly hour, and it shows in his emotions which are turbulent enough without him having to deal with whatever wager Adam's going on about.

"The one in which you two are fucking of course," Ross sighs, rolling his eyes like it should be obvious.

"I - what, we aren't...I just slept in his bloody bunk, I've done that before," Matty protests hotly, looking to George for help when the younger man rolls over with a soft groan, not wanting to be found out so easily even though the sinking feeling in his gut leads him to believe that it's a bit too late for that.

"Oh sod off Matty, Ross and I usually get the hotel room next to you, and the walls aren't that thick," Adam cuts in, earning himself the brunt of Matty's wrath which he tries to convey with his lowered lids and crossed arms.

"So you heard something - I could have been with a fan you know?" Matty continues to argue although it's obvious that his and George's secret has gotten out.

"A fan that just so happens to be named George too?" Adam smirks, one of his eyebrows rising up in a teasing manner that leaves Matty flustered and lost for words.

"It's alright Matty, we don't care if you and George are fucking, it was bound to happen eventually." Ross places a soothing hand on Matty's shoulder, but Matty tosses it off spitefully.

"George," Matty whines, poking his best friend in the side until he grunts and sits up slightly, "tell them we aren't fucking."

"Not yet," George grumbles tiredly, earning himself a soft slap on the stomach from Matty which he completely ignores, curling back up in the blanket instead which he has now stolen from Matty entirely.

"You're useless," Matty huffs, standing up suddenly when it becomes obvious that everyone knows what has been happening between him and George. "I hate the lot of you."

"Sure you do," Adam scoffs, munching idly on his toast in between words.

"Seriously - fuck off," Matty shouts, not really as angry as he wants to be, but it's not like it's that big of a deal in retrospect.

_Still_ \- he isn't going to pretend that he's fine with everyone's ribbing, so before they can dig into him any further, he stalks away in the direction of the kitchen, bumping against Adam roughly when he doesn't move out of the way quick enough.

Matty ends up in the front lounge instead when he decides he's too tired to bother with food at the moment, curling up on the couch in an attempt to doze off for a bit longer, which is where George finds him when he finally emerges from his bunk. He sends an apologetic smile in Matty's direction before contorting his larger body around Matty's, his hand rubbing at the base of Matty's neck gently in a physical apology that Matty accepts instantaneously.

"M'sorry about before," George whispers, obviously trying not to be heard by Adam and Ross who are chatting in the other room, "I don't know why I said that, was still half asleep you know?"

"It's fine," Matty shrugs, and it is - _mostly_. It's not like he doesn't trust Adam and Ross, he just would have liked to keep their activities a secret for a little bit longer. "They were going to figure it out sooner or later."

"Still - I shouldn't have outed you like that, I'd be cross if I were you," George chuckles nervously, and Matty can tell that's he's still a bit gun-shy after Matty's recent episode in which he ignored George for what seemed to be no reason.

Matty still hasn't explained that to his best mate, not that he's really had a chance to given the fact that he only worked up the courage to apologize last night, but Matty hopes that George won't ask him about what set him off in the first place, that way he won't have to struggle for an answer that doesn't come off as idiotic and needy.

That was really all it was, because after his conversation with Gemma, Matty had hoped that he and George could spend the rest of the night together watching some pointless films and keeping his mind off of the fact that Gem seemed to be doing great without him, which isn't a bad thing.

Matty hates to imagine Gem in distress, especially if he's the one to have caused it, but hearing about how wonderful she's been while Matty's barely functioning half of the time had stung more than Matty thought it would.

After viewing Gemma's doppelgänger at their show, he'd been inspired to ring her up to see if she was sharing in the rough patch of confusion that had been assaulting him since their breakup, but apparently not. They'd spoken a bit more, enough to catch up and such, but after the conversation had ended, Matty hadn't received whatever reassurance he had been searching for.

So Matty had gone back to the room only to find it empty just when he's craving company the most, but that's nothing he hasn't suffered through on his own before, and it's not George's fault that he wasn't there, or that Matty had been stricken with an almost painful bout of loneliness, or that he was literally shaking with the need for a line.

_Still_ \- Matty's gotten so used to George being this constant beacon that remains stationary no matter how hard his world spins, of him knowing exactly when Matty's about to break and holding him together until he manages to apply some glue to his torn psyche, so with his safe haven missing, the evening without George had been unbearable.

Matty could have called George of course, but he'd been too upset to pick up his phone, maybe because he didn't want to ruin George's night like he's done on so many other occasions. Matty loves the way George will drop everything for him if Matty asks, but it also wracks him with guilt. George shouldn't have to do that, it's not like Matty's incapable of surviving a few hours on his own, even if it sometimes feels that way.

Matty didn't mean to lash out at George though, he wasn't planning to honestly, it had just happened, and once it did, he had been too embarrassed to take his harsh words back until his desire for George's arms around him had overridden his shame caused by his stroppy behavior.

Matty has the bad habit of doing that though, hurting the ones he loves when he's in pain that is, especially George, probably because he never doubts that George will forgive him instantaneously, which he had done once again, and even though George seems to think Matty's going to blame this on him too, he's not bothered by it anymore, so he grins fondly so George can have visual confirmation of that fact.

"I'm not upset," Matty promises, leaning into George's chest to prove his statement even more. "It was sort of funny actually once I thought about it, and I know Adam and Ross will keep it to themselves."

"They will, I already talked to them before I came looking for you."

Matty grins against George's shirt which smells clean and fresh, a bubble of warmth simmering in his belly when he realizes that George went out of his way to make sure that his friends understood his desire for subtlety.

"Thanks love," Matty sighs happily, his muscles finally unwinding now that he's assured that his and George's secret will go no further than their bandmates, his eyes fluttering shut when George stretches out so they're both comfortable.

Matty sleeps the morning away cradled in George's arms, and this time, his rest is dream free. When he finally gets up, he feels refreshed and chipper, which is a much appreciated contrast to his previous awakening.

~~~

They've got about an hour until they're due on, maybe more. Matty's lost track of time already, but he's convinced that he's going to have a breakdown before he makes it to the stage.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him, well - _he does_ , it's his cravings. They're getting worse, not better like he had hoped, and although he's steadfastly ignored them so far, that's getting harder to do with each day that passes.

Matty feels especially awful today for some reason. He's not really sure why, but the second he'd stepped off the bus, the urge to find a line before sound check had hit him so hard it had him stumbling as he headed into the venue.

It's almost as bad as when he originally decided to quit the heavier stuff - not quite as abysmal, Matty remembers how he was convinced that he was dying the first few days of his detox, but it's _close_ , and back then he had George and Gemma with him constantly, doing everything they could to ease his discomfort, but now he's too stubborn to admit he needs help again, leaving him to tough this out alone which he's never been very good at.

Matty's doing everything he can think of in order to keep himself occupied, and it's not like he could slip off now anyway. He doesn't have any cocaine on him, and _yes_ \- he could probably find some if he looked hard enough, but he's not ready to give in, not now when he's gone so long without.

Sometimes Matty wonders why he's forcing himself to stay clean, because he hasn't promised anyone to do so except maybe himself. Deep down, Matty knows the real reason is George, and at one time Gemma. Their worry and concern for him allowed Matty to view his destructive behavior in a different light, and he realized that no matter how invincible he feels, risking it all for a quick high isn't worth it - or it _wasn't_ at least, now Matty's not quite so sure.

"Sit down mate," Adam sighs when Matty nearly trips over his stretched out feet during one of his random bouts of pacing that he took up a few minutes ago, hoping that the pointless activity would distract his thoughts from their current path, but he's having no such luck in that endeavor.

"Fine," Matty snaps, throwing himself across the couch bodily, smiling against the cushions when a harsh grunt leaves Adam lips caused by the fact that Matty's flung his legs over his stomach in doing so.

Matty still hasn't forgiven either Adam or Ross for outing him earlier, although he was pleasantly surprised by how they had failed to make any noise about his newfound interest in blokes. They didn't seem at all concerned with it one way or the other actually, not that Matty thought they would be, but he is grateful for their acceptance, if not their habit of exposing what he would rather keep to himself.

"Fuck you," Adam whines, shoving Matty off of him until he's half on the floor, only his torso still elevated in its original position. "That hurt."

"Oh sod off, you're fine," Matty mumbles, rolling his eyes when Adam begins rubbing his lower half gingerly. "How much longer do we have to wait?" Matty asks when the room settles back into silence, craning his neck in an attempt to see the clock hanging behind him, but he only succeeds in giving himself a painful crick at the top of his spine.

"Forty-five minutes before they'll want us backstage," Ross answers without glancing up from his phone, ignoring the petulant sigh Matty lets out when he doesn't get the response he wants.

"I'm so bored," Matty groans, drumming out a random beat on the arm of the couch with his fingers that sounds vaguely like the introduction to The City.

"We can tell," Adam remarks casually, nudging Matty gently when he throws an arm over his face dramatically, playing up his motions in a bid for more attention, because maybe if he keeps himself talking, he can drown out the voice in his head that's reminding him how much better shows were when the high that only cocaine gives him was fueling his voice and inspiring his movements.

"Matty," George speaks for the first time in what seems like ages to Matty. He'd thought he was asleep on the other chair, or dozing at least, but when Matty's eyes snap to his slouched figure, he's sees that George is watching him from under hooded lids, a soft grimace pulling his lips downward as he stretches stiffly. "Let's go for a smoke."

"Yeah, okay," Matty nods in agreement, shooting to his feet so fast that he ends up jostling Adam roughly. He sends him an apologetic wave before hurrying over to George's side, pretending not to notice the way Ross shakes his head at them knowingly.

"Don't be late, I won't be happy if I have to come searching for you five minutes before show time," Ross calls after them just before the door closes, but Matty's too busy following George to turn back and give him a proper reply.

"Where are we going?" Matty asks when George turns down a hallway that he's mostly positive doesn't lead outside, although he's not all that bothered by the detour.

A cigarette won't help him right now anyway, but being close to George is alleviating the fog in his head and the tightness in his chest by a decent margin, making him regret not waking him earlier so he could have experienced this relief an hour ago.

"Down here," George replies vaguely, leaving Matty huffing quietly in a fake show of irritation as their footsteps match up, releasing soft patters that are in perfect sync with each other.

Matty quirks an eyebrow at George when he pushes open a door leading into a small bathroom, wondering what they're doing here and also how George found it. It's one of those singles meant for families and the like, which he hasn't spotted before in most venues, but this place is a bit more upscale than some of the ones they've played at after all.

"Want me to hold your hand while you take a piss?" Matty teases, a nervous laugh bubbling out of his throat when George locks the door behind him, the soft click echoing loudly against the tiles until it seems to be bouncing violently in the confines of Matty's head.

Matty has to swallow heavily when he allows himself to meet George's gaze, because it's dark and heavy. It's the look George only gives him before their clothing end up tossed about and George has a hand around his cock, and Matty finds his body responding instinctually because of it.

"No." George isn't at all amused by Matty's quip, his tone serious and quiet as he moves closer to Matty, keeping him pinned between his large frame and the wall. "You need to relax."

Matty's about to ask how George plans to help him do that in a bathroom even though he already knows the answer, but then George's mouth is covering his, and speaking becomes impossible, not that Matty's worried about that any longer.

All the air in his lungs evaporates instantly when George begins kissing him slow and rough all at once, his fingers clutching to George's middle in an attempt to bring them even closer together than they already are.

Matty hadn't been expecting this, especially not here, but he's not about to turn George down, _in fact_ \- this is the best distraction that Matty can think of at the moment.

Matty's mind goes deliciously blank when George's tongue slips into his mouth, all thoughts of the show, and the time, and most of all his cravings dwindling into nothingness.

It's as if George is drawing all of the negative energy out of him through the pressure of his lips and the pads of his fingers which are dragging against Matty's skull, pulling it from Matty's mind until he's finally free from the mental traps his sets for himself.

Matty keeps catching glimpses of his and George's intertwined forms in the mirror on the back wall, and they look _right_ \- like they fit together in this way, whatever that means. Matty doesn't know, he can't hold onto a coherent thought, but he can't deny that the reflected images are causing his lips to curl up slightly as George's tongue brushes against his gums.

It isn't long before Matty begins tilting his lower half forward, the ache between his legs intensifying as he rubs against George heavily. Matty moans into George's mouth when their cocks finally line up, the friction _so fucking good_ , but not nearly enough all at the same time.

George seems to understand that, because he's fumbling with Matty's trousers now, pushing them about halfway down his thighs before he goes back to kissing Matty in earnest, their labored breathing filling the room as they grind and clutch to each other with desperation quickening their movements.

Matty's brain is slowly deadening with every passing second, so he doesn't even register when George pulls away until the younger man is on his knees in front of Matty, tugging his ripped jeans open further while pulling his boxers away with them.

Matty gasps when the cool air hits his hard cock with is curving upward in a silent plea for attention, his knees trembling and his eyes going wide as he watches George nip at his exposed thighs gently.

"George," Matty croaks weakly, and even though it wasn't intended to be a question, his statement carries an inquisitive lilt that draws George's head up until he's staring at Matty with a wicked gleam in his irises.

"Hush love," George murmurs, his hands digging roughly into Matty's sharp hipbones before he sucks the tip of Matty's dick between his lips, his tongue swiping over the sensitive slit teasingly before he sinks all the way to the base with a speed that has Matty crying out noisily.

" _Fuck_ ," Matty curses, his head snapping backward until it hits the tile behind him with a harsh thump, the pain not registering at all to Matty, he can't feel anything right now besides the hot spikes of pleasure shooting up his spine.

"Quiet Matty or I'll have to stop," George warns after pulling away from where Matty needs him most, the loss of sensation to Matty's cock causing him to release a soft whimper that's embarrassingly needy. Warm puffs of air hit Matty's overheated skin every time George exhales while he waits for an answer, the soft caresses feeling much too intense for something so simple.

Matty feels himself flush all the way down to his neck when he makes eye contact with George, his body twisting in agitation and lust while George continues to stare at him with blown out pupils laced with desire.

The commanding edge George's voice held has Matty trembling and desperate and _so fucking turned on_ , so although he's pretty sure he can't keep himself silent for more than a minute, he wants to try for George.

Matty doesn't trust himself to open his mouth, so he nods wordlessly in reply, throwing his hand over his lips when George resumes sucking his cock like he regretted the pause more than Matty did.

Matty does his best to stifle the obscene noises that are clogging up his throat, but a few gasps and whimpers still escape past his clenched teeth. Matty inhales deeply when George presses his tongue against the ticking vein on the underside of his cock, his nails digging into Matty's hips so roughly that Matty thinks he can feel them bruising - _god_ , he hopes they do so he can find the dark patterns later on.

George lets Matty's dick slips down his throat when his hips start rocking unconsciously, the hot, tight pressure driving Matty to the edge of oblivion within minutes, or maybe it's been hours. Matty has no idea, but he's aware of the way his muscles are trembling and his balls are drawing up as every one of his nerve endings shudder with sensations that he can't begin to describe with his mind as scrambled as it.

Matty comes quicker than he thought he would with a choked off moan that he muffles by biting down so hard on his hand he leaves visible marks, the sound still slipping past his sweaty palm as George swallows heavily around him, drawing out his orgasm to the point that Matty thinks he's going to faint if George doesn't take his mouth off of him soon.

But just when Matty's convinced he's on the verge of collapsing, George pulls away, somehow knowing when Matty's had enough just like he always does.

George helps Matty back into his trousers, supporting Matty with one arm since he's incapable of doing so himself at the moment. George notices the small wound on Matty's hand when they're both straightened up again, and much to his embarrassment, Matty gasps when George kisses the tender area gently, his tongue pressing against the indents before he pushes Matty's palm against his sternum so he can stabilize himself a bit more.

" _God_ ," Matty breathes out, his head lolling onto George's shoulder since his neck isn't strong enough to support its weight, "wasn't expecting that." Matty's words emerge as barely more than a whisper, as if he's still attempting to hold to his earlier pledge to remain as quiet as possible.

"I could tell you needed it," George shrugs, his eyes glittering mutely as he stares down at Matty who's half slumped over still. "You gonna be alright?" George's asks, petting through Matty's hair quickly in what Matty thinks is an attempt to fix it, but it's only making it look even more suspiciously rumpled than before.

"I will be once I can feel my legs again," Matty laughs lightly, twisting himself so he's fully pressed against George's torso from chest to stomach. "Your turn," Matty insists when George doesn't make another move, because as satiated as he is, he still wants to get George off before the show.

"I'm fine," George declines Matty's offer, which he hasn't done since their second kiss, but Matty finds he still hates it as much as he did the first time George pulled this act. "This was for you," George insists when Matty's face settles into a pout, "besides, we've got ten minutes before we're supposed to be back, and I'd rather not deal with a pissy Ross all night."

"I don't care," Matty argues, but he's distracted by trying to fish out his phone, wanting to see if George is right. It doesn't feel like it's been almost an hour since he was locked in their dressing room bored out of his mind, but according to the digital display screen, they've been secluded in the bathroom for quite some time.

"Come on," George pulls Matty toward the door, pausing briefly once it's unlocked with his fingers hovering over the handle. "You're really alright?" George asks again, and Matty hears the added weight to his question, meaning George knows something is bothering Matty besides pre-show jitters, he just doesn't understand what.

"Yeah," Matty nods, his voice shaking with the suppressed fear that he won't be as soon as they separate, although he feels fine now.

Matty knows the euphoric sensations won't last long, and for once, Matty is afraid of facing the stage, and the lights, and the kids who adore him without knowing a thing about him, and the inevitable let down that comes once he's back on the bus with the last chords of his song still ringing in his ears, but he hasn't got any other choice.

And it's not like he doesn't want to go on, which isn't a viable option to Matty either way, even if someone gave him the choice. This band is his dream, he loves performing, so Matty straightens his spine and tries to convince himself that he's not going to let this rough patch spoil one of the few things that has ever brought him any joy.

_Still_ \- it's all becoming too much, and Matty knows it's going to be difficult to keep going this way if he doesn't open up to someone about his cravings before they get out of control.

Now isn't the right moment though, not when they're about to be tracked down by a very angry Ross, so Matty smiles up at George before pulling open the door and walking back into the hallway, focusing on the way George's lips felt against his instead of how much better this performance would be if he was high.

~~~

Matty cries during Me, and although that's not an unusual occurrence, he occasionally gets overwhelmed on stage, especially given the strong emotions that song conveys, it's different this time. He forces himself to keep going even though all he wants to do is break down and sob, his voice emitting choked off and laced with an agony that isn't at all faked.

As he hears his own words amplified back at him, Matty finds himself recalling the process of writing this piece, of how he had broken down after allowing George to hear it for the first time, how they had curled up in George's bed together once he was done and George hadn't let him leave for the rest of the day, not that Matty had wanted to.

That seems so long ago now, and Matty wants to go back to those days when things were simpler, when he wasn't struggling so hard with addiction and doubts, and even though Matty's gained so much since then, he's honestly not sure if it's worth it at this moment, no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that it is.

Matty has to pause so he can recollect his scattered thoughts when he's finished, turning his back on the crowd so he can wipe his eyes hastily.

His gaze meets George's briefly, and although it's hard to tell under the glittering lights surrounding him, Matty thinks he sees a sheen of wetness on George's face that isn't composed entirely of sweat.

Once they're backstage, George gravitates to Matty's side like he knows how badly Matty needs him, pulling him into a fierce embrace without uttering a word. Matty instantly relaxes as he buries his face into George's shirt, his nails digging into George's back as if someone will tear them apart if he doesn't hold on tight enough.

Matty inhales shakily, reluctantly pulling away from George when he realizes they're blocking the flow of traffic. As he heads off to go help with packing everything away, George follows close behind him, keeping the heel of his palm firmly pressed against Matty's spine, the constant physical assurance meaning more to Matty than he could ever explain with words.

~~~

They've got a free day after their show for once, and although Matty's usually overjoyed at the prospect of having nothing to do besides catch up on sleep and get stoned with his mates, the extra hours are killing him as they drag by, each tick of the clock increasing his craving for something stronger until the self-control he's worked so hard to maintain snaps completely.

Matty knows he shouldn't be doing this, but it doesn't stop him from hitting up an acquaintance on Twitter that lives nearby, asking if she's free for the evening which of course she is. Matty doesn't usually hook up with fans twice, and she is one, they met at a show and were fucking not long after, but this girl's sweet. They talk occasionally, but more importantly, she's got _coke_ , or she did the last time Matty ended up back at her place.

Once Matty's confirmed that she does have the substance he's supposedly quit, he rapidly puts away his phone, plastering on a smile that feels as plastic as it probably looks when George shoots him a questioning gaze over the mug of coffee he's currently nursing.

"Who's that?" George finally asks when Matty gets up to use the loo instead of answering George's silent query, his voice causing Matty to flinch subtly as he pauses in the doorway, leaning his weight against the frame in what he hopes is a casual pose.

"A friend," Matty shrugs, rolling his shoulders back further when his muscles tense up in the hopes of alleviating the dull ache forming at the back of his neck. "You want another cup when I get back?" Matty changes the subject, and either George is too tired to notice Matty's evasion or too stoned, probably both if Matty has to guess.

"Only if you wash your hands," George smirks, his teeth showing when Matty sticks his tongue out at him petulantly, finishing it off by throwing up his middle finger before disappearing inside the small bathroom, George's soft laughter following after him even once he's shut the door firmly behind him.

~~~

Matty forces himself to wait until the sky's gone dark and everyone else has retired back to their rooms before getting changed, not wanting to have to explain himself to Adam and Ross if he can get away with it.

It's not like his bandmates aren't used to his habits of slipping off to meet up with someone pretty every now and then, but he hasn't done it on this tour yet, and after the fiasco on the bus the other day, he's trying to keep his sex life as private as possible - if this even goes that far.

Matty's sort of unsure about this whole thing, but he's too jittery and wound up to back out now. It feels weird though, because he hasn't slept with a woman in ages, and he knows that's what she's expecting to happen. It's not like Matty can just show up, snort a line and then leave, he's not that much of a twat.

Matty briefly wonders if it's the arrangement he's made with George that has these unfamiliar pangs of guilt that he hasn't experienced since he cheated on Gem twisting up his insides, but he and George aren't together - they're just fucking, and they haven't even properly done that yet.

George never specified that Matty couldn't have any other partners while their arrangement is in place, so until he does, Matty's allowed to be with as many people as he wants, at least that's how he's choosing to interpret things.

_Still_ \- the logic does nothing to assuage the angry swirling in the pit of his stomach that for once isn't caused by a bout of cravings, but Matty stubbornly ignores it while he finished straightening his shirt even though it isn't carrying any visible wrinkles.

"You going out?" George's question reaches Matty's ears even though it sounds like George has buried his face in a pillow, causing Matty to poke his head out of the bathroom to see that he's done just that.

"No George, I'm getting ready for bed," Matty snaps, although his tone holds no real venom. He goes back to the mirror when George only chuckles in reply, running his fingers through his hair once more until it's lying exactly how he likes it. "Just meeting up with someone," Matty elaborates when George rolls over, scratching at his chest idly as he eyes Matty up and down in a manner that almost seems appreciative. "You've got any plans?"

"Nah," George drags out his syllables, one hand tracing random patterns in the air that seem to delight him. "Maybe watch a film, might go see what Hann and Ross are doing if I don't fall asleep first."

"You're actually contemplating moving?" Matty teases, because George had smoked so much earlier he's reached the stage of being stoned in which he's lazy and perfectly content with staring at the ceiling while mumbling to himself about whatever pops into his head.

"Yeah...probably not," George laughs in agreement, fumbling around for the remote which Matty finally hands to him, retrieving it from where it's fallen to the floor amid half of the bed coverings.

"I'll be back later then." Matty pauses for a moment, stalling for time and possibly waiting for George to realize what he's got planned so he can talk him out of it, but when George only sends him a small wave before turning his attention back to flipping channels, Matty sighs softly under his breath and exits the room without another word.

~~~

Matty smiles weakly when the pretty redhead opens her door for him, ushering him inside with her painted nails flashing in the dull lighting of the apartment complex.

She deciphers just why Matty's come without him having to vocalize his need, which Matty is very grateful for. He's aware that she can see the barely disguised want he's sure is splattered across his features, because she understands that same feeling, so she knows how to fix the shaking in his fingers and the tightness in his chest, which is exactly why Matty chose to turn to her in the first place.

Matty's high is barely setting in before their clothes come off and he's got her pinned against the bed, his gums tingling and his body finally feeling at peace with itself due to the artificial substance running through his veins.

It hasn't really hit Matty yet what he's done, or what he's about to do, and although he knows he's going to have to sort out all of this later, right now he's more interested in the naked skin rubbing against his and the soft moans the girl lets out when he slips two fingers inside her gently.

Everything else blurs together after that, only small moments sticking out like when she tugs at his hair weakly and he remembers how George yanked on it properly that time in their flat before they left.

Matty has to shake his head roughly to banish that image, because it doesn't belong here, and _really_ , Matty shouldn't be here either, but it's much too late to change anything now.

He finally gets inside of her at some point, and it's hot, and wet, and nice, but Matty's just going through the motions really, kissing her lazily whenever their mouths are close enough while trying his best to shove all thoughts concerning George into the dark corner of his mind where he used to store his longings for cocaine.

When Matty comes, it's more of a dull rush of pleasure that's induced by the high instead of the tightening of the girl's muscles, but it still feels good, it's just different than his last few sexual encounters which Matty refuses to dwell on since they all involve George.

Matty leaves not long after they're finished, not wanting to hang about and give the impression that he's thinking of staying the night, which he couldn't do even if he wanted to since bus call is early and he knows he won't make it if George doesn't wake him.

Matty thanks the girl for everything before making his escape - _Amy_ , her name's Amy. Matty hadn't meant to dehumanize her, but he's subconsciously been doing it which is just another bad habit of his. She's been wonderful as always though, and he promises to let her know the next time he's in town again.

Matty realizes that he isn't ready to head back to the hotel yet when he gets outside, not with the signs of his high so glaringly obvious, so he wanders around for a bit, careful not to go too far so he doesn't end up lost, eventually ending up in a small park with a few unoccupied benches that look very appealing to his shaky legs.

Matty settles down on the cleanest looking one, pulling out a cigarette by instinct instead of need. He lights up quickly, inhaling yet another substance into his already saturated body, but as deplorable as it sounds, Matty feels healthier than he has in months even though he knows the opposite is true.

It's rare that Matty gets moments like this, because he's hardly ever completely alone, and even though he usually hates that isolated feeling, it's surprisingly absent right now. Matty mind is clear, if a bit tainted with guilt caused by the breaking of his clean streak, but it's hard to mourn that when the pleasant effects of his high are still at their peak, and Matty once again wonders why the fuck he ever stopped snorting up in the first place.

Deep down, Matty knows everything is spinning out of control. His life is a kaleidoscope of mistakes that he keeps repeating even when he is aware of the outcome, but for once, Matty gives up, allowing himself to float away with the smoke from his cigarette and bask in the pitfall he's tumbled down, enjoying it for as long as he can before he's smothered underground with the skeletons he thought he aired out and moved on from long ago.

He knows he'll regret this tomorrow, but he'll deal with that when it comes. Right now, he wants to enjoy this, so that's exactly what he does, his eyes fixating on the dull scattering of stars hanging overhead as his smoke dances across the sparkling patterns before evaporating into nothingness.

~~~

"Have fun?" George asks when Matty finally makes it back to their room.

Matty has no idea what time it is, but it's late, and the fact that George is still up can only mean he was waiting for Matty, which releases a juxtaposition of emotions inside of Matty ranging from touched to irritate.

"Yeah." Matty shrugs out of his thin coat, keeping the lights off while removing his shoes so George won't catch sight of his red eyes and placid expression which he's sure he still carries even though his high is finally beginning to ebb.

"Good."

Matty tries to decipher if George's short statement holds a deeper meaning, straining his ears for a hint of something, curiosity, maybe even _jealousy_ , but he finds nothing. George's tone is cold and flat, and Matty hates the fact that George seems so cut off from him at the moment.

"What have you been up to?" Matty pries while continuing to undress, stripping down to his boxers since he's too lazy to find some pyjamas to change into.

"Smoked a bit more, watched a film with Ross," George ticks off before appearing to grow bored with his recital, his eyes glittering when he gazes at Matty with lowered lids, "nothing as exciting as you."

"Had me followed then?" Matty teases, trying to rile George up for some unknown reason that he isn't going to bother trying to understand, but if he had to guess, he's probably projecting unknown emotions he didn't know he carried onto his best mate. Maybe it's a hangover from their last spat, or not, Matty doesn't know what he's doing anymore. "Watched me with someone that wasn't you?"

"I don't need to stalk you to tell when you've gotten off," George scoffs, his tone still translating as bored and uncaring even though he sits up slightly on his bed, his spine straight where it rests against the headboard, "seen your face enough times by now to have it memorized."

Matty doesn't remember moving, but somehow he's practically kneeling in George lap from one second to the next, the bruising pressure against his lips so much better than kissing Amy had been.

George finally breaks out of his cold facade much to Matty's relief when he digs his fingers into his shoulder and sucks on his bottom lip, a growl leaving George's throat as he flips them over so Matty's trapped against the mattress with George hovering above him.

"It bothers you doesn't it," Matty hisses when George tugs on his hair harshly, forcing him to expose his neck which George immediately attaches his mouth to, "the thought of me with somebody else?" Matty finishes his statement when he can speak again, his chest heaving as he arches into George's touch.

"No," George hums, taking a moment to lick at Matty's skin teasingly. "You can get off with whoever you like, it's just more fun when it's me."

"I'm here now," Matty points out, spreading his legs as wide as they can go in a silent invitation, his body aching for George more than it ever has for a girl. Even with Gemma, who he'd barely been able to keep his hands off of on most days, he hadn't experienced this unbridled want.

"You are," George hums darkly, his eyes fixated on the outline of Matty's cock which is very apparent through his thin underwear. "Guess she didn't satisfy you."

"Shut up and touch me," Matty groans, done with the games and just wanting the sensations that only George manages to invoke in him.

"How?" George asks as he removes Matty's boxers, his fingers trailing up his perineum before resting lightly on his balls, teasing the sensitive skin with the pad of his thumb as Matty moans softly.

"I..." Matty trails off, because as appealing as George's hands and mouth are, Matty finally has the courage to ask for more, maybe because of the drugs, maybe because the desire to feel some part of George inside of him has been bubbling around in his brain with almost as much frequency as his thoughts of cocaine, "finger me," Matty decides to say, remembering how good it had felt when George had barely brushed the delicate ring of muscles hidden in between his thighs.

"You sure?" George sounds surprised as he sits back on his heels, giving Matty some space to supposedly think about what he's requesting, but Matty's already done that - _fuck_ , he's dreamed about this, and he knows that once his high is completely gone, he won't be able to voice his desire with so much certainty ever again.

"Yeah - been wanting it," Matty admits, flipping around so he's situated on his hands and knees, showing George how serious he really is.

" _Fuck_ \- okay," George finally agrees after a period of silence that seems to last for years in Matty's mind. "Just let me..." George doesn't finish his sentence, but when he gets up and heads toward his bag, Matty knows he's retrieving a bottle of a lube.

"Hurry up," Matty whines when George finally returns to the bed, settling himself in the center of Matty's splayed thighs, the audible snick of a cap being opened sending a soft shiver of anticipation twisting around Matty's spine.

"You need to be patient, we're taking this slow," George orders, and even though Matty knows that George is only taking care of him just like he always does, Matty can't stop a groan of discontent from escaping his lips.

"Fine," Matty agrees sullenly, resisting the urge to start stroking his own cock, twisting his head around instead so he can watch while George slicks up his fingers with what seems to be an unnecessary amount of lube.

"Have you done this before..." George trails off for a moment before continuing, "played with yourself this way that is?" George sounds almost nervous, which has Matty's own assurance tangling in on itself suddenly.

"N-no," Matty confesses softly, cursing himself for stuttering, because he's not nervous - _really_. He's been wanting this for ages, and he knows George will take precautions that other men wouldn't bother with, so he isn't sure why his hands are shaking and his chest is tightening up, but there's no way he's backing out now.

He's aware that this might hurt, but Matty's starting to realize that's not always a bad thing where he is concerned, and even if it is painful, it's still something that he wants to do, and he trusts George to make this as good for him as he possibly can.

"You have to tell me if it's too much, it's going to burn a bit at first, but don't be afraid if you need to stop."

"Yes, okay, I get it, do we have a safe word too?" Matty jokes, pushing his hips back and forth idly to try and inspire George to get with the program and realize that he's not changing his mind.

"If you want one."

" _God no_ \- I was kidding George," Matty scoffs, not expecting George to take him so seriously, but with what he keeps discovering about George's sex life, he wouldn't be at all surprised if he was in a relationship that called for the use of one.

"So if you say stop, I will, just so we're clear." George makes sure Matty's looking at him while he's speaking, and it's only then that Matty understands that George is so afraid of hurting Matty that he needs this confirmation before he can start.

"Yes, I promise I'll speak up if I need to."

George leans up then, kissing Matty so tenderly that Matty almost forgets what they were doing in the first place, but just when Matty's about to roll onto his back so he can get a better angle, George scoots away again, returning to his original position and gently stroking over Matty's hole with one lube slick finger.

" _Fuck_...why does that feel so good?" Matty whimpers, his thighs trembling already as George keeps up the motion.

"You've got a lot of nerves there," George explains like he's teaching a fucking sexual education class. Matty wants to laugh, but it turns into a surprised gasp when George slips one finger into him without warning. "You okay?"

"Yeah, doesn't hurt," Matty responds, wiggling his hips back a bit to try and get used to the new intrusion. He isn't lying, there is hardly any pain, just an odd feeling that isn't quite pleasant either, but it's not bad, just _weird_.

When George crooks his finger slightly, Matty experiences a bit of a burn, his muscles protesting to being stretched in such an unfamiliar way. Matty grits his teeth through it, breathing in and out deeply as he waits for the sting to fade away, which it does after a bit.

"You can add another," Matty speaks up when he thinks he's ready, but when George begins sliding in a second finger, Matty regrets his decision almost instantly.

_Fuck_ \- Matty was convinced that he could handle this, but it does actually hurt. George's fingers are this constant pressure inside of him, pulling him open to the point that Matty doesn't think he can stand it, but he's also not ready to admit that he doesn't like this as much as he thought he would.

"Shit," Matty grits out when George stops moving for a moment. Matty can feel the rim of his arse tensing around George's knuckles, and even though he's in pain, and his eyes are tearing up, he isn't ready to lose the intimacy that comes with having a part of George inside of him.

"It's alright, that's the hard part, it's going to get better soon," George murmurs, leaning down so he can press soft, open mouthed kisses to the top of Matty's arse, the hot drag of his tongue distracting Matty from the way he feels like he's being split in two.

Matty whimpers softly when George begins pushing his fingers in and out, changing the angle slightly each time as he does so. Matty's still uncomfortable, and he's debating on asking if they can take a break when George brushes against something that feels different than before, it's  _fucking fantastic_ actually.

George seems to notice what he's done, probably because the gasp Matty lets out is pleasure filled instead of laced with pain. With his next motion, he presses the pads of his fingers directly against that same place, hitting it dead on this time, keeping Matty still by leaning against his back while pushing inside of him.

" _W_ _hat the fuck?_ " Matty hisses as his spine arches sharply, an intense bloom of pleasure shooting through his nerve endings with every increasing frequency as George keeps rubbing against that place inside of him.

"That's your prostate," George explains smugly, and Matty doesn't even need to turn around to know that he's smirking at him.

"I know that you idiot...I just - _oh god_ ," Matty moans when George adds more pressure to his spot, his thighs shaking and his head falling down in between his arms as he tries not to collapse onto his stomach. "I didn't think it would feel this good."

"Why do you think people put up with the pain?"

Matty can tell that George isn't really expecting an answer, which is fortunate since Matty's incapable of doing anything besides gasping harshly with the occasional moan thrown in, his cock jumping every time George gets the angle right, and it isn't long before he seems to have its location memorized.

"Fuck Matty," George breaths out, the whisper emerging in a reverent fashion that's coated with lust. Matty can hear the sounds of George touching himself behind him, and he suddenly flushes when he realizes how obscene he looks right now, splayed out on his hands and knees with George's fingers buried to the second knuckle in his arse. Matty never thought he'd ever end up in this position, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying it.

"What? I'm just sitting here," Matty tries to hide how much this is affecting him with his flippant words, but that's when he realizes his hips have been shoving back against George's hand desperately, trying to take his fingers as deep as they can go without any conscious thought on his part.

"You look good like this," George hums, a choked sound breaking up his sentence which has Matty craning his neck around, trying to bring George into his field of vision.

Matty gives up and allows his head to fall back forward again when George inches in another finger without any preamble, stretching Matty to his limits, the burning ache coupled with the dull rush of pleasure leaving Matty speechless and weak, his eyes tearing up while he groans softly at the intense stretch. It burns like hell, but Matty somehow still likes it as long as George keeps stroking his prostate.

" _Fuck_ ," Matty curses weakly, attempting to spread his legs as wide as they'll go to alleviate the pain shooting up his spine. George's fingers feel huge inside of him, the digits rubbing against his inner walls in a manner that has Matty simultaneously cringing and moaning all at once. "More," Matty hears himself ask, although he thinks he's already as full as his body can handle - _god_ , but he knows George's cock is thicker than this, longer too.

"God Matty, you're so fucking tight, wonder what you would feel like around my cock," George mutters darkly, reading Matty's mind like he has the habit of doing, and _fuck_ \- Matty wants to try, because if George's fingers feel this incredible, he can only imagine what sex would be like with George, if he could even take his size that is.

"Want that," Matty manages to choke out, a single tear dragging down his cheek when George scissors his fingers widely. "Fuck me," Matty begs, even though he hadn't intended to open his mouth again.

"Not tonight, but I will," George promises, finishing his statement with a sharp twist of his fingers that has Matty crying out loudly.

"You better," Matty huffs, bracing himself on the bed so he can get more leverage to shove back each time George pushes his fingers in, his arms wobbling as they work up a steady rhythm that has Matty aching with the need to come for the second time tonight.

Matty can feel a thin layer of sweat forming in the dip where his knees are bent, the soft fabric of the sheets grating at his skin when his body is thrown forward when George pushes his fingers in harder than before. Matty cries out so loudly that he knows whoever is occupying the other room has heard him, but he can't help the endless sounds that are falling from his lips any more than he can stop the unconscious rocking of his hips and the shaking of his limbs.

George's free hand digs into Matty's hips when he begins to tremble violently, the rough pads pushing in so hard it's almost like George is trying to phase through him, and Matty would let him if he could. He wants more, he wants _all_ of George, he wants him to crawl inside of him and fill him up so he won't need cocaine or anything else to make him feel okay again, but for now, the fingers in his arse will do.

"George - _fuck_ ," Matty heaves out, his lungs burning almost as much as his stomach which feels like it's being consumed by an internal fire stoked by George's relentless movements. "Touch me," Matty all but begs, any semblance of dignity he has left taking flight as his body tenses up.

Matty's so close, all he needs is a hand around his cock and he knows he'll lose it instantly, but his muscles have locked down, leaving him incapable of moving and taking care of the task himself.

"No," George growls darkly before leaning over, pressing an open mouth kiss to the prominent dip in Matty's spine. "Wanna make you come like this."

"I can't," Matty all but sobs, his elbows buckling before he manages to lock them into place again, " _please?_ " Matty gasps, because as good as this feels, he can't seem to let go. Everything inside of him is winding up tight to the point that he should have snapped by now, but his cock is still twitching forlornly between his legs, the pressure in his abdomen reaching an unbearable degree without bringing him any form of release.

"You can," George whispers, and it's more of an order than a promise, the commanding edge to his tone leaving Matty shivering heavily as he presses back onto George's hand, a desperate moan leaving his lips when he scissors his digits widely. "Fuck, I'm close just from watching you."

"I - I... _oh god_ ," Matty all but screams, because George is rubbing the pads of his fingers continuously over his prostate, not letting up at all, not that Matty wants him to.

The constant pressure has Matty's blood boiling and his vision whiting out, but it isn't until he feels the hot splatter of George's come against his thighs that he finally shatters under George's relentless assault, the muscles in his stomach clenching rhythmically as he shoots heavily all over the sheets, his choked exclamation mixing with George's soft sounds of satisfaction in a discordant melody that Matty finds beautiful and obscene all at once.

Matty's toes ache from how hard they're curling into the pads of his feet, and even after he's emptied himself, he still feels like he's floating. George's fingers keep moving inside of him until Matty whines, the once pleasurable sensation starting to hurt more than anything else, which George instantly realizes, removing the digits quickly while has Matty whimpering again at the empty feeling that he's left with.

Matty collapses onto his side, the last of his strength giving out once George removes all contact with him. Matty is shivering uncontrollably even though he's anything but cold - _in fact_ , his skin is burning up, but he's so inundated with the sensations that still haven't left him that he can't control his convulsing muscles for long enough to quell the tremors that are wracking his small frame, making his hair shake in front of his eyes with their intensity.

Matty flinches lightly when he feels a soft pressure near the dip of his spine, and it takes him entirely too long to recognize the sensation of George's fingers delicately stroking his damp skin. The gentle touch feels electric to Matty, his hazy mind and oversensitive skin amplifying everything to the point of incoherence.

Matty presses back as much as he can when George moves higher, his mouth following his fingers, placing open kisses to every spot he touches until he reaches the sweat soaked curls at the base of his neck, his lips hovering over his shoulders blades while he mutters quietly under his breath.

"So good babe, you did so well."

Matty shudders even harder than before at the new pet name, an involuntary sound escaping his throat that he can't label with a word, although it's a bit of a moan mixed with some other desperate noise.

George grins against his skin, petting through Matty's hair fondly before helping him move out of the wet patch he left on the blanket since Matty's still too weak to do it on his own.

"George," Matty mumbles thickly, the one word trailing off into nothingness since Matty hasn't planned what he was going to say next.

"You alright?" George whispers, making Matty feel delicate and breakable, like George thinks a higher volume will shatter him if it reaches his ears. "Was I too rough?"

"No," Matty croaks out, lifting his head with a supreme effort of will so George can see his face, "you were wonderful. It was just a bit overwhelming, but I liked it," Matty admits, the feeling slowly returning to his legs when he stretches lazily, the sticky sensation of George's come on the back of his thighs making him smile softly to himself when he realizes that George lost it with a few flicks of his wrist just by watching Matty get off.

"I could tell," George grins widely, standing up for a moment so he can pull his pyjamas back up from where they have pooled around his thighs when Matty's eyes linger on his softening cock. "So, would you do it again?" George's tone is nonchalant, but Matty doesn't miss the burning stare he shoots his way before abruptly looking in the direction of the attached kitchen.

"I think," Matty has to pause for a moment so he can swallow thickly, trying to work some moisture back into his dry mouth, "that even if I wasn't into blokes, I'd still want to play with myself like that."

George kisses Matty instead of replying with words, his tongue stroking against his tenderly until Matty has to pull away in order to draw in a breath, his lungs only just now starting to function again. Matty keeps quiet after that, too exhausted to bother with speaking, or moving for that matter.

Matty wonders if George is this affectionate with all of his past partners or if it's an act reserved just for him. God knows Matty wasn't with his previous one night stands once he got off, the most they ever received was a peck on the lips and maybe a few minutes of him lazing about with his arm halfheartedly flung over them before he would think of an excuse to leave. George wasn't this way at first either, they used to snap back into normalcy after the initial act, but Matty thinks he likes the added tenderness more than he's willing to admit aloud. 

"Let's sleep yeah?" George suggests, running a hand through his tangled hair idly while waiting for Matty's answer.

"Shower first - I'm filthy," Matty complains, although he wants nothing more than to curl up with George right then and there, but he smells, not to mention he doesn't want to give George a chance to notice the signs of his lingering high which is still clinging to him for longer than it usually does.

"You want some company?" George offers, and although Matty would usually jump at the chance to see George naked for a little while longer, he finds himself shaking his head no before he even realizes what he's doing.

"Nah, I'll be quick."

"Come to bed when you're done, we have to be up early," George reminds him before leaning over and connects their lips in a brief kiss, pressing a warm hand against the dip in his back when Matty stumbles getting out of bed.

Matty shoots George a grateful smile before hurrying into the bathroom, wincing slightly at the sharp pain he receives when he moves too fast. He cranks the water up as high as it will go, stepping in before it's had the chance to warm up properly, but he's already soaked now, so he doesn't bother getting back out again.

Matty allows himself to sink to the floor once he's inside the small space, his legs too weak to support his weight for any longer. His skin is still burning even under the barely lukewarm spray, and if Matty didn't know any better, he'd assume he was running a fever with the way his body is literally hot to the touch.

Matty doesn't even have the energy needed to wash himself, he just sits there and tries to process everything, but all he accomplishes is to run his mind in circles. His high is fading and the regret is finally sinking in, but even worse than that is the fact that George didn't notice, he didn't catch onto the signs that he once knew like the back of his hand.

Matty doesn't know why that upsets him, because he's not ready to tell George the real reason he went out tonight, even though he knows he needs to, but it still hurts. George used to be able to read Matty like his favorite book, he could quote him back to front, and Matty isn't sure if that bond is changing, or if George was simply too caught up in Matty's body to notice anything else.

And even if he was - that's not a bad thing, in fact, it was sort of Matty's intention to keep George busy until he could sort himself out, but he hadn't been planning on this happening, yet it had, and that was one thing Matty didn't regret.

Still - now he's sitting alone in the bathroom confused, and shaking, and on the verge of tears for no apparent reason, which wasn't how the night was supposed to end. Matty knew what he was getting into when he contacted Amy, and he swore he wasn't going to torture himself once the decision was made, but Matty's learning that he has no control over anything lately, especially not himself.

Matty forces himself to calm down, because nothing is wrong, and even if it was, he brought it upon himself by sneaking off to get high while George is still under the impression that he's clean.

And maybe Matty can be again, if he wants to that is. He's not sure of that yet, but this could have just been a one off, and now that's he's satiated the burning urge to snort up that's been assaulting him for weeks, maybe it will finally leave him be for a bit until he can make a decision on if he wants to continue using or not.

Matty knows this desire for cocaine won't magically disappear, but he's not going to revert to the way he was at a few year ago, he won't let himself, and if things really do spiral out of control, he'll have George there to pull him back, he's just got to let him know that he's stuck in the whirlpool composed of his addictions again first.

Matty decides that if George says something to him tonight, he'll own up to his actions, even a simple _'what else did you do besides get laid'_ will suffice.

If George doesn't question him, Matty will try to deal with it himself, which he might as well now since he's been doing alright so far, until this evening that is, but _whatever_ , no one is perfect, and Matty knows that applies doubly for himself.

Matty gets out of the shower once he feels like he can do so without collapsing, the unfamiliar ache at the base of his spine making his movements slow and stiff. Matty reminds himself to ask George how long he's going to be sore for while drying off quickly, rubbing the towel through his tangled curls until they stop dripping all over his shoulders.

Matty tugs on a pair of clean boxers before climbing into the bed not covered in come with George who's already mostly asleep by the looks of it. George perks up slightly when Matty slips under the sheets, his lips brushing his forehead softly before he tugs Matty against his chest, breathing in his hair that probably doesn't smell all that great since he neglected to put any shampoo in it.

Matty worries his lower lip in between his teeth as he debates on what to do, either go to sleep and pretend the first half of tonight never happened or to give George a hint about the fact that he finally gave in to the urges that he isn't even sure if George has noticed he's been battling with.

"You alright?" George asks with a yawn, the question that Matty's heard a thousand times before resonating in his brain over and over again while Matty waits for a definite answer to emerge from the depths of his brain.

Matty can't decide if this is George showing that he has caught on to the fact that Matty did something he probably shouldn't have, or if it's more of an _'is your arse okay'_ sort of query, leaving him torn about if he should admit that he got high or keep silent for a bit longer.

A part of Matty wants to tell George what he did, of how he fucked up, to beg him to stop him before he snorts up again, but when he opens his mouth, the words dry up on his tongue, choking him with their weight and making speech an impossible task.

"Yeah," Matty ends up saying, losing his resolve entirely when George hums happily and tightens his hold around Matty by a small fraction, his eyes slipping closed as his head falls against the pillow with a soft thump. "G'night."

Sleep eludes Matty though, and for the first time since the tour began, and maybe even before then, George doesn't wake up to check him, not _once_ , which is either a blessing or a curse, Matty just can't decide on which.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took forever to finish but I really love how it turned out.
> 
> Btw I know the last two chapters have been pretty lengthy, but idk if they will keep following that trend. I debated on breaking this one up, but I've got most of these planned out in a very specific way, and it just doesn't feel right to leave it without reaching the conclusion I wanted for each part if that makes sense, so some might be short and others will be 11k+ words like this.
> 
> I also posted a new Matty/George fic called Intertwined Souls in which Matty's a stripper and George totally falls for him even though he knows he shouldn't so it would mean a lot to me if you checked that out as well.


	10. Take Me Now Till It All Runs Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for why this took ages except I'm working two jobs now and my health has gone to shit once again but I have returned with literally the longest chapter I have ever written.
> 
> Thank you for being so patient with me and I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did writing it xx

George wakes to a warm weight pressing against his chest and a wet mouth exhaling gentle puffs of air against his neck. Soft curls tickle at his skin with each intake of breath, and George finds himself freezing in place so as not to disturb Matty in fear of breaking the solitary peace that's inundating the room.

It's rare for George to be up before Matty, especially on tour. Matty doesn't sleep nearly enough, and he's more prone to naps lately than anything else, but after his busy evening last night, George isn't all that surprised to find that Matty's a bit more knackered than usual.

George doesn't want to dwell on what Matty got up to before he returned back to the hotel though, because he knows he was with a girl, _fuck_ \- even the thought has his stomach aching and his insides in knots. George shouldn't be jealous, and he's not - _not really_ , except that he is.

He keeps telling himself over and over again that Matty isn't his, and he is more than entitled to sleep with whoever he wants, girl or guy, but George truly wishes that Matty didn't feel the urge to seek out other people's affections when he knows that George is right there ready and willing to take care of any and all of Matty's needs.

It shouldn't matter honestly, because Matty came back to him in the end, and maybe he always will, George can hope for that at least. He's not going to work himself up while he's got Matty in his arms anyway, and like most things that bother George, he finds that ignoring it usually allows the unpleasantness to dissipate eventually.

It's hard to focus on the negative when Matty shifts slightly in his sleep, his hair draping over his closed eyes in a manner that George can only describe as endearing, his face a picture perfect definition of unconscious bliss as he groans quietly before falling silent again.

Matty's scent is everywhere, the aroma of hotel soaps and fabric softener and that unique smell that always reminds George of home. He can't explain it with words, it's more of a feeling than anything quantifiable, so he doesn't bother trying to label it.

Matty's always been that to George though, because home has never really been a place or a building, not with how much he's on the road, so it's defaulted to wherever Matty is. He's the one consistent thing in George's life, the person he feels safest with, and honestly, he means more to him than anyone else in the entire world.

George finds himself wondering if he's still that solitary pillar of strength for Matty as well, if he gives Matty the same sense of stability that he finds in the older man. He prides himself on being the person Matty turns to when touring gets to be too much, he loves the way Matty clings to him when he's upset or distraught, although he'd rather Matty never experience those emotions in the first place, but he isn't sure if Matty still views him in that fashion.

Things have changed this time around though, of course they have what with their agreement, meaning that Matty seems to seek comfort in touch and desperate kisses instead of words and late night smoking sessions, which George isn't complaining about, but he's also afraid that Matty's bottling things up now that they haven't been properly speaking as much.

Matty himself seems different in a way that George can't quite understand, but he's trying not to worry himself sick over it. It's not necessarily bad, just _new_. It might not even be Matty at all, but more how George views him, which is a topic he is steadfastly trying to avoid because of the complications that arise with it.

George doesn't want to consider it, but right now, in moments like this when Matty is pressed against his side and the rest of the universe ceases to exist, George can't help but admit that he might be a little bit in love with him.

That shouldn't scare him as much as it does, because George has always loved Matty, but this is an escalation. His adoration for the older man has morphed into something heady and potent, and although George tries not to dwell on it, it sneaks up on him at times, smothering him with emotions that he doesn't want to feel but he also can't escape.

This wasn't supposed to happen - _fuck_ , George had fought tooth and nail to keep things casual between them, but he's apparently failed in that endeavor, and now he is left to deal with the aftermath and pray that his affections fade away over time or else he'll be completely fucked.

Matty isn't an easy person to love, not in that way. George is lucky enough to have known Matty for so long that he's learned over the course of many years how to adore him as a friend, but this is a whole different level of caring that transcends the boundaries of being simple mates - even best mates.

It's frightening and unwanted, George isn't ready to deal with the consequences of his unexpected emotions, or even to admit them really, but he can't run forever from something that exists in his mind.

George has seen what Matty gets like when he is in a proper relationship, he _changes_ , and George can't stand any more shifts in their friendship at the moment, they've been through more in the past few months then the entire time they've know each other.

George has noticed that Matty doesn't do well with the pressure of labels, which is a bit odd since he seems to crave them at times, but when he does gain a girlfriend, Matty always manages to sabotage things before they have a chance to truly go anywhere.

George has been watching this from the sidelines for ages, and it's not that Matty doesn't want to be with someone, because he _does_ , but it's as if he isn't sure how to act when he's in a proper relationship. He morphs himself into what he thinks the other person wants him to be until the entire thing basically becomes a farce that Matty is conducting unwillingly, leaving him shocked at the end of it all even if everyone else saw it coming from a mile away.

George doesn't want to be subjected to that dance, he can't date Matty - it would ruin everything no matter how close they are, but then why in the hell does George's stomach erupt in what can only be butterflies at the thought of being able to call Matty his boyfriend?

George isn't an idiot though, so he's going to keep his mouth shut. This was supposed to be a casual agreement after all, and Matty is only using him to find out if he likes other blokes, which is something that George has to remind himself of on a daily basis.

George is a stepping stone to someone better, someone that Matty would actually want to date, because although George knows that Matty loves him in a way, he can't envision him falling for him, if that was going to happen it would have occurred already.

At least George is getting this time though, it doesn't matter if he's just an experiment, because it means something to him even if it's nothing to Matty, and he knows he will treasure these memories for ages even after this period in his life is over.

That's another thing George doesn't want to think about, the termination of this, because it's going to hurt more than anything, but Matty has shown no signs of getting bored or finding someone else yet, and there is still so much more they can do, so George assumes that Matty isn't going to call it off in the near future.

It will most likely end with this tour if George is being realistic, Matty usually punctuates important events by when he arrives and leaves home. George will be like that tech girl that Matty was so smitten with before Gemma came along, but unlike her, George will still be around after this stretch of shows ends, which could mean he has more longevity than that, but maybe he won't, it all depends on Matty honestly, and he is unreliable at best.

George might not even be in love with him, maybe he's just confused himself into thinking that he is, although it certainly feels that way. George has been in love twice before he thinks, the first one was a high school boyfriend that he adored, but he was young and foolish then, and the second was his last serious girlfriend Jessie, but both of those had fizzled out eventually, so maybe he's never experienced actual love, leaving him clueless as to what it's truly like.

Matty yawns then, pulling George out of his thought much to his relief, his back arching as he stretches before his eyes flutter open and he peers at George through heavy lids.

George can't understand how Matty looks so pretty when he's tousled and sleepy, _god knows_ George doesn't, but Matty pulls it off perfectly, just like he does with everything else if George is being honest.

George finds his head tilting to the side and his lips brushing against Matty's before he's fully aware of his actions, but when Matty doesn't move away, George deepens the kiss, ignoring the slightly bitter taste of Matty's mouth in favor of the intoxicating rush that flows through his veins when Matty hums in contentment and wraps his skinny fingers around George's neck gently.

Matty erupts into a fit of giggles after a minute of nothing but teeth and tongues and deep breathing, breaking the moment with the soft peal of laughter that holds so much joy that George can't bring himself to be bothered by the lack of contact against his lips, although a slight pout still tugs at his mouth when Matty sits back, his eyes glittering brightly when he looks up at George like he's the best thing he's ever seen.

"Morning," Matty murmurs before pulling his lower lip in between his teeth, nibbling at the skin gently in a way that has George absolutely captivated, leaving him inching forward in the hopes of maybe stealing another kiss, even though being close to Matty is reward enough for him.

"You sleep well?" George asks when Matty doesn't respond to his silent invitation, peering over Matty's shoulder briefly at the clock behind him to see the time, sighing softly in relief when he notices that they still have a good two hours until bus call.

"Yeah actually," Matty nods, his head cocking to the left when George meets his gaze again, something smug passing over his dark irises even though George doesn't understand what he's done to receive such a look. "What's with you?" Matty finally asks after a prolonged period of silence, the self-satisfied glint in his eyes translating into his tone as well.

"Nothing," George huffs, a flush passing over his skin although it has no reason for forming, but Matty's gazing at him in that fashion that has George feeling exposed and cracked open, although it's not as uncomfortable this time around.

"You're staring at me," Matty points out when George doesn't catch on to his meaning, his arms gesturing down his body dramatically as if George needs the visual representation to make the connection.

"So?" George tries to maintain a casual aura although that's a difficult task considering that he isn't sure if Matty's miffed by his unintentional actions or not. "You're pretty when you just wake up."

George can't help but chuckle when Matty somehow manages to scowl and preen all at once, his hand moving from his side to brush through Matty's tangled curls briefly before he rests it against Matty's cheek, something warm and potent twisting inside of him when Matty leans into the touch instinctually.

"You cheesy fuck," Matty snorts, but George can tell that he's secretly pleased by his words, or at least he hopes he is and that he's not projecting his desires onto this situation. "No one looks pretty in the morning, you look like a tree that's been hit by lightning honestly."

"You're such a twat," George grumbles, removing his palm from Matty's skin so he can begin patting at his hair roughly in the hopes of taming it a bit although it's a lost cause, "I try to be nice and I get insulted, see if I compliment you again anytime soon."

"George," Matty whines when he makes as if he's getting up, "I'm just kidding, you're _beautiful_ , the loveliest tree that I've ever seen even."

"Nope, it's too late, my feelings are hurt now," George teases, throwing off the duvet so he can set his feet on the ground, only for his movements to be halted when Matty latches onto his arm suddenly, dragging George back down against the mattress with a surprising show of strength.

"My feelings are hurt now," Matty repeats in a low mumble which is obviously an attempt to mock George's deep voice, although it's a shoddy imitation at best. "You're bloody ridiculous." George holds back the laugh tickling at his throat in favor of continuing with his little fit, shaking himself weakly as if to cause Matty to lose his grip, even though that's the last thing George wants. "Stay with me," Matty pouts as he digs his fingers into George's bicep, his lower lip jutting out when George puts on an irritated expression, rolling his eyes at Matty's antics even though he secretly loves them.

"I don't know..." George pretends to ponder the pros and cons of the situation, enjoying the way Matty squirms back and forth in anticipation as he waits, "it'll take a lot for me to forgive you. That was quite a blow to my self-esteem you know?"

"Shut up you prick," Matty groans before making him do that in the best way possible, his eyes closing as he leans down until their lips are millimeters apart, giving George permission to close the gap between them which he does without hesitation.

George loses himself in the slick movements of their mouths and the weight of Matty's torso which is pressing against his heavily, his fingers carding through Matty's hair as he pulls their bodies even closer together, their noses bumping and their legs entwining as George draws this moment out for as long as possible.

Much too soon for George's liking, Matty pulls away, his chest heaving slightly and his eyes glittering with that sheen they always get when George kisses him that have those pesky emotions full of adoration and desire flowing through George like a floodgate has been broken inside of him, drowning him in what he doesn't want to call love for the older man but he isn't sure what else it could be.

"When this is all over, I think I'll miss kissing you the most," George blurts out.

George winces as soon as he hears his words hit the open air, the flush that was already prevalent on his face spreading down his neck with a speed that seems borderline unhealthy, leaving George overheated and embarrassed and wishing that he could rewind time.

George hadn't meant to expose himself so soon, if ever, and it's too late to take it back. It could be worse of course, but his statement had emerged with a coating of honesty that he can't attempt to play off as a joke, and Matty is clever enough that he might be able to read into it more than George would like.

George isn't even sure how the thought formed in his brain and spewed from his lips from one second to the next, because George tries not to envision this ending. He's been over this already this morning, and he's not going to contemplate that yet, but apparently it's been plaguing his mind more than he realized, this random expulsion is proof of that.

Matty laughs at him just like George expects, but it's a pleased, content sound, not a mocking one like George had feared. He finds his paranoia slipping away once it's obvious that Matty isn't upset, and _really_ \- why would he be? He doesn't know about the feelings George is struggling with, giving him the ability to shake off his statement just like George wishes he could do with this sudden surge of affection for his best friend.

" _Really_ mate, not getting your dick sucked or anything like that, just the kissing," Matty chortles gleefully, his eyes crinkling at the corners and his nose scrunching up as he continues to giggle sporadically.

"You're a good kisser," George shrugs, flipping over so he can hide his burning cheeks in the pillow that he's now using as a shield to obscure his face with, kicking at Matty gently as he does until his foot connects with Matty's thigh.

"You're so stroppy this morning," Matty points out just when George has almost gotten comfortable again. George mutters some unintelligible in response which was supposed to be _'fuck off'_ but it comes out as more of a slurred sound instead. " _George_ ," Matty whines when George doesn't immediately move, a slim finger poking at his spine insistently the entire time, "stop acting like a child."

"Says the one who's practically pleading for attention like a bored toddler," George grumbles fondly, finally craning his neck in Matty's direction just in time to catch a pained grimace cross over his face as he sits up on his knees. "You alright?"

"Fine, my back does hurt though," Matty admits sheepishly, a dusty pink hue staining his cheekbones as he rocks back and forth on his heels lightly.

"I'm not surprised," George chuckles, memories from last night bubbling up in his brain as well as his cock, "it usually is after your first time with something up your arse."

"When does it go away?" Matty pouts, his tone so sullen and confused that George can't help but turn over so he can add an expression to the voice, and he isn't at all disappointed by Matty's jutting lower lip and the pleading look he sends George's way.

"A few days probably," George shrugs, finding a sense of pride in the second small wince Matty lets out when he sits down properly, not that he would ever want to hurt him, but it's proof that a part of him was inside Matty, that he left his mark, and that Matty will be reminded of that moment every time he shifts too quickly, at least for a little while.

" _Georgie_...." Matty whines again when George snuggles back into the sheets, obscuring his pleased smirk from the older man's steady gaze, "I'm sore, you should give me a massage."

"You're ridiculous," George snorts, but he still gets up, earning himself a delighted grin from Matty who settles down on his stomach in preparation, tugging the duvet out of the way so George has full access to his bare back.

George hesitates for a moment before straddling Matty's waist, trying his best to keep his slightly swollen cock from touching Matty as he leans over him, resting most of his weight on his knees and thighs so he won't crush the older man.

Matty visibly relaxes when George presses his fingertips against his spine, kneading at the tense muscles gently as Matty groans in appreciation, inspiring George to increase the pressure of his hands, working at the knots that have gathered there until Matty's practically melting on top of the sheets.

" _Fuck_ ," Matty moans happily as he arches into George's touch, "why haven't you done this for me before?"

"I have so," George protests, although he hasn't done it in such an intimate fashion, it's usually more of a shoulder rub than anything, but he likes arguing with Matty, particularly when he's in as lovely a mood as this.

"Oh sod off you twat, you haven't done it properly and you know it. I'm feeling a bit cheated actually, you've been holding out on me for all these years."

George bites his lip to hold back the laughter that's forming in his throat, concentrating on a particularly stubborn knot of tension instead as Matty continues to make appreciative noises that have George's cock waking up more than he would like, but he can't really blame himself for that, especially not when he's got Matty underneath him wearing nothing but boxers and making sinful sounds that really should be illegal.

"Matty," George grits out after a few more minutes have passed. Matty's borderline moaning now, and George isn't going to be able to conceal how affected he is by this if Matty doesn't stop reacting in such an obscene fashion, "do you really need to be so loud?"

Matty turns his head slightly so he can shoot George what's probably supposed to be a seething glare, but when George notices how dilated his pupils are and the darker shade to his irises, he realizes that Matty is feeling the same sensations he is.

George pushes down roughly on Matty's lower half, shoving his hips into the mattress, releasing a surprised gasp from the older man that morphs into a needy whimper, the sound shooting up George's spine and into his brain until it's filled with nothing but thoughts of Matty producing more of those lovely noises.

George flips Matty over just as the older man wraps his arms around his neck and attempts to free himself from under George, the synchronization to their movements shocking and pleasing George all at once. It's like they're connected on a visceral level that transcends the needs for words, but then George is biting harshly at Matty's lip before licking his way into his mouth, and all his thoughts of their bond and how it's evolved evaporates in favor of the fuzziness that coats his brain whenever he kisses Matty.

Their melding is bruising and frantic, like neither of them have been touched by another person in ages even though they just got off last night. Matty gasps and arches into George's touch, his limbs twitching and his nails digging into the sensitive skin just under George's hairline which has him snarling roughly into Matty's mouth.

George pulls back for a moment when Matty begins rubbing his hips upward insistently, wanting to see the look on Matty's face that he always gets when he's desperate. George groans under his breath when Matty falls back against the pillows limply, taking his time observing him as he plays with the hem of his underwear teasingly.

Matty's so gorgeous like this - George doesn't think he'll ever get used to seeing him splayed out on his back with George's spit coating his lips and unadulterated desire lacing his every feature. It's a stunning visual that only gets better each time George is privileged enough to view it, and he wishes that Matty would let him take a photo of this so he could pull it out occasionally once this is all over.

"Fucking hell," Matty pants quietly when George rubs the heel of his palm against Matty's stiff cock, his eyes squinting like he wants to close them but he'd rather look at George even more. " _Fuck_ ," Matty repeats when George keeps up his actions, obviously at a loss for words, which is a rarity in and of itself.

George is in his element now, because sex is where he's always felt in control, but it's even more of a rush with Matty since he so rarely takes that role in their relationship.

George might be confused about his feelings and so many other things relating to Matty, but he knows his body like the back of his hand, and Matty's aware of that to, meaning he lets George take the lead in this aspect of their life, surrendering himself to George so quickly that he's left dizzy with the sudden rush of power that flows through his veins.

"Want me to take care of this," George asks like it's even an option at this point, a part of him enjoying the slightly panicked cast Matty's expression takes when he voices the rest of his question, "or maybe we should stop, bus call's soon and all." George keeps up with his farce, because they've still got an hour or so to spare, but he can't deny that the thought of Matty hard and needy because George didn't let him get off has his cock pulsing in between his legs.

" _You wouldn't_ ," Matty gasps, "and I'd just go have a wank anyway, can't stop me from doing that."

"Would you though...if I asked you to?" George isn't going to torment Matty, but he wants to know, and he suspects from the glazed look that crosses over Matty's face that the idea is slightly appealing to him as well.

"Maybe, if you promised to make it worth my while afterward," Matty eventually shrugs, his entire chest flushing a deep pink color that looks entirely too lovely on his usually pale skin, "but can it not be today? I don't want to have to play a show with this."

George feels a tugging sensation in his stomach at Matty's answer, leaving his throat tight when he considers the possibilities that he's been provided with, but he's impatient too, so he won't make Matty wait - _not yet_ that is. Still, the fact that Matty's willing to do it is leaving George feeling intoxicated and lightheaded.

"God Matty, you're perfect," George breathes quietly without thinking through what he's saying again, but for the second time, Matty doesn't seem to mind, and George doesn't give him much opportunity to since he kisses him as soon as he's done speaking, shifting their bodies so he can pull Matty's boxers out of the way without breaking the connection of their lips.

"Hurry up," Matty whines when George doesn't immediately grab his cock, focusing instead on moving his mouth lower so he can leave a visible mark on Matty's skin, just so he'll be reminded of this later on instead of whoever else Matty was with last night.

George arches one eyebrow at Matty in the way of a silent warning, and he seems to get the hint instantly, his mouth snapping shut and his hands clenching in the sheets instead of digging into George's sides as he returns to his project involving covering Matty in as many bruises as possible.

George's sits back on his heels when he's done so he can admire the smattering of red blemishes he's left all across Matty's neck and collarbone, although he gets distracted by Matty's face which is tense and strained and practically begging for George to touch him without words.

Matty's making George feel like a teenager who's just discovered what his cock's for, leaving his head muddled and overwhelmed with the possibilities presented before him in the form of Matty naked and willing for whatever George gives him. George can't decide if he should suck his cock or just rub off on him like the fifteen year old he's apparently reverted into, although he'd much rather fuck him, but that's out of the question since Matty's sore and they don't really have the time needed to do that.

"Sit up," George instructs Matty after a brief moment of contemplation, helping Matty maneuver his lanky limbs until he's kneeling in front of George with his weight propped on his elbows. George kicks off his pyjama pants hastily, toeing the fabric over the end of the bed so roughly it launches halfway across the room.

George almost regrets his idea now that he can no longer see Matty's face, but that negative aspect is counterbalanced by the way Matty pushes his arse back needily, prompting George to run his hands across the small globes which has Matty sighing in appreciation.

"Are you going to finger me again?" Matty sounds so hopeful that George has to clutch at the base of his cock when it pulses heavily, stroking himself a few times to alleviate some of the pressure that's already threatening to spill over at any moment.

"Not until you're feeling better." George laces his promise with sincerity, basking in the way Matty shudders heavily before falling completely still. "You're too swollen right now."

George pulls Matty open to prove his point to himself, his throat going dry when he exposes the ring of pink muscles that tense up under his gaze. George rubs his thumb over Matty's puckered ring briefly, not stopping until he hears Matty's breathing hitch and he starts pushing back into his touch.

"Then what are you doing back there?" Matty whines impatiently, and this time George doesn't silence him, mostly because he's enjoying his querulous tone a little more than he should.

"Want to try something," George hums, spitting into his palm before slicking up his aching cock, spreading Matty's thighs apart again once his cock is shiny with salvia and precome.

Matty chokes out a laugh that sounds suspiciously like a stifled moan when George slides his cock into Matty's crack, leaning over his spine so he can shift back and forth minutely, holding himself in place with one hand while he wraps his other arm around Matty's middle.

"You're going to rub off on my arse?" Matty questions skeptically, but when George moves again, Matty whimpers in a fashion that isn't at all displeased. "You're so weird."

"Well that makes you weird as well for liking it," George grits out, making sure to drag against Matty's hole roughly with his next thrust, ripping a quiet moan from the older man's chest in lieu of whatever witty response Matty had planned.

"Would like it more if you'd touch my cock," Matty spits out a few seconds later, his words almost completely eradicated by the startled yelp he releases when George leans down so he can bite at his shoulders blades, digging his teeth in until he can see a perfect imprint of his incisors staring back at him.

"Don't want you to come too quickly," George retorts smugly, although he does allow his fingers to brush against the head of Matty's cock which is practically dripping with precome, "you've got a bit of a hair trigger if I'm being honest."

"Says the cunt that blew his load last night just by putting your fingers in my arse."

"I swear to god I'm going to gag you one of these days," George mutters, the friction of Matty sweat coated skin pressing against his cock loosening his tongue, and although George shouldn't be surprised by this point, Matty's nod of affirmation still catches him off guard.

" _Do it_ ," Matty hisses, the haughtiness to his tone falling flat under the excitement that bubbles through his words, "maybe then Ross and Adam won't have any more ammunition to tease me with if they can't hear anything," Matty goads him, his cock twitching heavily as he speaks, inspiring George to wrap his hand around it, polishing the tip until Matty's crying out and shoving his hips down into his fist.

"It's a bit late for that love," George chuckles, finding a steady rhythm for the two of them when Matty finally shuts up, the sway and press of their bodies feeling like an oddly obscene dance that George is leading them in.

"George," Matty gasps when George moves down to play with his balls, his neck twisting around as he speaks, allowing George to see his wild eyes and dilated pupils which attest to how close he already is, "can you - _fuck_ ," Matty pauses, his flushed face taking on a darker cast that has George pausing his movements so he can give Matty his full attention, "want you to choke me again," Matty finally heaves out all in a rush, his head immediately facing forward again as if that will help with the embarrassment George can literally feel pouring off of him.

"Yeah," George asks, his nerve endings firing off so rapidly he thinks he's in danger of coming for a brief moment, "want to come with my hand around your neck and your cock?"

"Please?" Matty whimpers, his body moving fluidly when George shifts them again until Matty's on his back, his cock poking up between the two of them before George smothers it with his wide palm, rutting his own hips against Matty's thigh as he strokes him slowly.

Matty's mouth falls open when George presses down on his windpipe, a strangled noise laced with satisfaction rumbling in his chest as he leans into the pressure greedily.

George loves the way that Matty trusts him enough to let him do this, that he asked him for this, that he's enjoying it so much. George might even get more out of this than Matty, but that's nothing new, he's always found pleasure in anything Matty likes, but this is one of his favorites by far.

George moans loudly when Matty starts to tremble slightly, his stomach coiling with heat and his cock slipping across Matty's skin as he pushes against him roughly. The friction is a bit dry and not quite enough, but George is so on edge already it's not going to take much to get him off.

"Close," Matty sputters when George lets him take a deep breath, a weak keening noise following directly afterward when George digs his thumb into the sensitive spot just under his tip with more force than he's being using so far, "oh god George - _fuck_."

George cuts off his airflow again just then, knowing it will be the push Matty needs, and he's right. It's only seconds later before Matty's arching off of the mattress, his eyes squeezing shut and his teeth digging into his bottom lip as he comes all over his stomach, his throat vibrating under George's hand delicately as he continues to spurt across his skin in a seemingly never ending release.

George lets go of Matty when he can't stand the ache between his legs any longer, grabbing his cock so roughly it almost hurts. It takes him all of five seconds before he's coming hard as well, his spunk filling in the spaces Matty's missed until he's a mess of fluids and twitching limbs.

George isn't sure how long they spend breathing heavily and trying to remember how to move again, but eventually, Matty rolls over until he's pressed against George's side entirely, smearing him with come as a lazy grin splits over his flushed face.

"Stop that," George laughs, halfheartedly pushing Matty away from him although what he really wants to do is pull him closer.

"You got me dirty again so it's only fair that I repay the favor," Matty smirks devilishly, purposefully dragging himself down George's thigh until his entire leg is covered in the tacky substance, but George is too caught up in Matty's gleeful expression to care.

"You're such a prick, why do I even get you off when you're so awful to me afterward?"

"Because you love me," Matty teases before rolling off the bed entirely, landing on the balls of his feet with a little less grace than he usually does, but George is too concerned with keeping a straight face to remark on his small stumble, his previous jubilation dissipating into thin air all because of Matty's casual statement.

 _"I really do,"_ is what George wants to say, but he can't, no matter the fact that the words are practically burning at his insides. "That's what you think," George replies with instead a little too late in a tone that sounds forced even to him, but Matty only laughs before heading into the kitchen to wet a cloth down, taking over George's role in cleaning them off since he's too shaken to move just yet.

"Come on Georgie, bus call's soon, you've got to get dressed," Matty chides him when George remains frozen even after Matty's wiped him off.

George considers asking why Matty's started using his old nickname again when he hasn't heard it in quite some time, especially not twice in one sitting, but he decides against it, because whatever the reason is, he likes the way it sounds falling from Matty's lips.

"Yeah, let me make you something to eat first then we'll head down."

Matty smiles gratefully as George begins digging through the meager accommodations they brought in with them last night, settling on biscuits and tea which is probably all Matty would choose himself anyway since he's not a fan of heavy meals in the morning.

George takes a bit more care with the items than he usually would though, channeling all of the love he can't express into pointless actions that Matty will most likely never understand the true meaning of, but that's fine, everything is fine as long as Matty is happy.

~~~

Matty strips off his shirt almost as soon as they get backstage the afternoon of their next show, flexing his neck from side to side as if he wants people to comment on the smattering of marks littering his pale skin.

George's cock twitches when he sees how many he left and how dark they've turned over the course of a few hours, his favorite by far being the one on Matty's back that still carries the faint imprint of his teeth. George tries to keep his staring to a minimum, but it's hard with the way Matty is prancing around the room, drawing all eyes to him in that way that he has no matter where he is or what he's doing.

George is actually a bit surprised by Matty's display, but minus Adam and Ross, everyone else will probably assume the bruises were made by a fan, and Matty's always loved attention in any and all forms.

This might actually be a good sign George thinks, because if Matty is slowly getting over the embarrassment of having his friends know what he's been up to with George, that means he's becoming more accepting of himself and his preferences in general, or he might claim they were made by the girl he was with last night if he's asked, it's hard to tell with Matty.

George chokes on a laugh when no one gives him the reaction he's so obviously searching for, although Ross sends George a glare tinged with fondness when their eyes meet. George actually does chuckle out loud when Matty eventually gets cold and throws his blouse back on without buttoning it up properly, his lips pushing out in a pout that George wishes he could kiss away.

Matty's jittery and excited the entire evening leading up to their performance, but not in the manner he was before in which George was actually worried that he was going to work himself into a panic. It's a different mindset, Matty has a lot of those, but this one isn't at all toxic, which so many of them seem to be lately.

George likes it when Matty gets this way, although it can be irritating at times since happy Matty often means he's a shit to everyone, but it's obvious by the grin that stretches across his face and the way his mouth is running at one hundred miles an hour that he's enjoying himself, and that's all George ever wants for him.

He's relieved once they finally get the five minute call though, mostly because he thinks Matty might burst if he doesn't expel some of his seemingly never ending energy, either that or Adam will strangle him. He's been the subject of most of Matty's jokes and pranks for the past few hours, and George can tell he's getting a bit fed up with Matty invading his personal space and stealing his food every time he turns his back.

"You ready?" George asks while they're waiting off to the side for their cue to go on, his arm slinging around Matty's shoulders so he can still him for long enough to receive an answer.

"Yeah," Matty nods, his eyes glittering minutely in the dull lighting as he tilts his head back to meet George gaze.

George resists the urge to lean down and kiss Matty, instead squeezing him to his side gently before letting him go so he can grab his drumsticks, the fact that Matty's irises are vibrant and sparkling filling his own veins with an injection of exhilaration and anticipation as he hears the crowd beginning to chant their names.

Matty's performance tonight is a startling contrast to his last. He's enigmatic and awe inspiring, his animated persona affecting the entire band in the best way. George can't stop smiling the entire time, and it's almost enough for him to forget about how Matty cried during their last show, because it's in the past, and whatever had Matty so emotional is blessedly absent tonight.

Matty all but runs to George once they're off stage, his teeth glinting dully before he wraps his arms around George from behind, a pleased hum leaving his throat as he presses up against George's sweat slick back.

George turns to face Matty with an answering grin plastered on his face, his breath hitching a bit when he's met with the sight of an extraordinarily pleased looking Matty whose face is only inches away from his own, his dark curls tickling at George's nose when he leans downward unconsciously.

Matty shocks George by closing the small gap between them, his lips brushing against George's so quickly that his body isn't able to comprehend what's happening until it's over.

The action catches George entirely off guard, because Matty rarely initiates things, even when they're alone, but now he's just snogged George - _in public_ no less, which is a huge escalation in their previously private activities.

Before George can reciprocate his affections, Matty's darting off in a different direction, his steps light and airy as he flits from person to person, allowing George to observe him unnoticed, something about the simple act of watching Matty bask in the post show bliss leaving him feeling warm and invigorated and _fuck_ \- a little bit in love as well.

~~~

Things continue to go well for the next few weeks, at least George thinks they do. Matty appears to enjoy being on stage more than he has been lately, their shows continue to be better than usual despite a few hitches here and there which are to be expected, and they don't have any more spats or patches of awkwardness that leave George flustered and confused, but Matty still seems a bit off although George can't place his finger on why.

Matty keeps up with his disappearing act as time passes until almost every night they stop at a hotel he makes up an excuse to go off somewhere, not that he needs to verbally state where he's headed, it's easy enough to figure out when he returns during the early hours of the morning smelling of sweat and sex with a smug grin on his face.

George continues to suffer through bouts of jealousy and longing when Matty's out with someone else, no matter how hard he tries to distract himself. He hates the way images plague his mind the entire time he's gone of Matty kissing a girl with as much passion as he does him, while at the same time he knows that Matty might need this in a way. He's going through a lot at the moment, and he probably wants the reassurance that he still likes girls now that he and George have done so much.

Matty always seem more at ease when he returns, and George can't begrudge Matty happiness in any form, even though he wishes he could be the one providing all of it, so no matter how much it stings, George keeps quiet about Matty's dalliances, because he's not going to make this into something it's not, even if it already is in his mind, but if getting his dick wet makes Matty smile, George will learn to live with that.

Those evenings almost always end with Matty in George's bed anyway, even if he doesn't plan for it. Surprisingly enough, Matty's usually the one who initiates things, which helps George recover from the pangs of bitterness coated with envy that stab at his insides when he spies a hickey that he hasn't made, and by the time Matty's sleeping soundly with his spine snug against George's chest, he almost forgets about how much he's been hurting previously.

Matty asks for George's fingers frequently after the first time, not that he needs to, it's obvious from the way he spreads his legs subconsciously and looks up at George with eyes wide with need what he wants. George likes to make him say it though, to hear the hitch in his voice and watch color blossom over his cheeks as he tries to fight through his residual embarrassment that still hasn't completed faded away even after all this time.

George gives him whatever Matty wants when he comes back from his outings, although he never once asks George to fuck him again, which is what George is truly dying to do. The urge to touch Matty triples when he catches a whiff of a stranger's perfume in his hair, and it's like he has to override that with his own scent, he wants to mark Matty, to leave his come inside of him, to be the first person who's done that even though he'd much rather be the last.

It's primal and animalistic and borderline _ridiculous_ , but George's stomach won't stop churning until he's got his fingers buried in Matty's arse in place of his cock and he's spilled all over his skin, claiming him as his again even though he's not and he probably never will be.

 _God_ \- George wants him to be though, he aches for it, but he can't take the risk of rejection, not from Matty. He's the one person who has the power to destroy George completely with his refusal, and what they have is better than nothing, so George isn't going to be selfish and ruin things just because he's longing for more.

And really, George is afraid of pushing Matty away more than anything else, which is the main reason he hasn't voiced his misgivings about Matty's dalliances. Matty might understand that George is uncomfortable about him being with others while their agreement is in place, but he might not, and George can't tell if the odds are on his side in this instance.

If Matty reacts badly, he might lose the privilege to touch him so intimately all together, and George would much rather share than have the gift that is Matty in his bed stripped from him just when he's beginning to depend on it the most.

George's affections aren't dissipating though, in fact, he's more convinced than ever that he's in love with Matty the longer they continue to mess around, but Matty hasn't caught on to his feelings - _thank fuck_ for that, and George is going to do everything in his power to make sure it remains that way.

~~~

"Do you ever feel like smoke?" Matty asks out of the blue while they're grabbing a quick cigarette before boarding the bus so it can take them to their next destination, which George is clueless on since he's shit at keeping up with things like that.

"Hmm?" George mumbles around the stick in his mouth, resisting the urge to cough since he's mid-inhale while also trying to pretend that he hasn't been subtly staring at Matty out of the corner of his eye this entire time.

George catches himself watching Matty more frequently than usual even when they're doing perfectly innocent actives, or maybe he's just noticing how often he does it. He's always kept an eye on Matty in the past, but more so in an effort to make sure that things are copacetic, now he's doing it just because he likes looking at Matty, he enjoys observing his facial expressions and his mannerisms when he thinks he's unobserved.

"Like...I don't know," Matty sighs, running a hand roughly through his hair before staring up at the few stars peeking through the black sky that seems to carry a slightly ominous edge to it like a storm is brewing on the horizon. "I mean, when you exhale, most of it goes free right, but there's some that stays trapped in your lungs, that festers and rots there because it stagnates, and you don't have any control over which one happens to you."

"Do you feel like that?" George questions warily, unsure if this is one of Matty's random trains of thought or if it's a veiled plea for help with something that George hasn't yet caught on to.

"Sometimes," Matty admits, "that's actually a pretty shit analogy though. I'm not sure what I'm getting at honestly. I guess it's as if I'm stuck right now, and I don't know if I want to follow this same pattern, but I'm not quite sure how to get out of it."

Matty's words emit slowly with an edge of hesitance, and George knows this is important, but he doesn't quite understand it, at least, he thinks his interpretation of it is wrong.

What Matty is saying makes sense, they do the same thing every night, play the same songs, entertain similar crowds, but George isn't sure if that's all to Matty's statement.

He's too tired to really decipher it though, and Matty's already stubbing out the burning end of his cigarette, leaving George all but chasing after him as he tries to take one last drag from his, searching his mind for a suitable response as he goes.

"It'll get better love, it always does you know? We've got loads of new stuff we're working on after all, and once the album's settled, we'll be able to mix things up."

George can tell from the look on Matty's face that he's missed the mark with his paltry attempt at comfort even though he tries to hide his grimace behind a grin that looks slightly painful.

George laces his fingers through Matty's hand when it brushes his side, squeezing it lightly when Matty grips it tightly, letting him know he is there with his touch since his words have obviously failed him.

George wants to try again, to press Matty until he unravels and finally lets George into his head, but that hated wall has suddenly sprung back into place, and the mortar holding it together is stronger now, leaving George stuck on one side beating helpless at the obstruction with a clenched fist even though he knows his actions are pointless as long as Matty's at the opposite end doing nothing to help him tear it down.

~~~

"Is everything alright with you and Matty?" Ross asks after cornering George as soon as he returns to the bus with coffee from a nearby shop, causing George to stumble and almost drop the drinks in the process since he wasn't expecting to be accosted the second he stepped foot inside the vehicle.

"I think so, why?" George cocks one eyebrow in his friend's direction, his heart picking up speed as he sets the tray down on the table a bit too roughly, but nothing spills at least. "Did he say something?"

George hates how terrified he sounds, but he can't help it. He hadn't seen Matty much this morning, he'd been writing when George had left earlier, but he had chosen to sleep in his own bunk last night, which might have been a sign that he was a bit miffed with George for one reason or another, or it could have meant nothing. George isn't as skilled at reading Matty's body language as he was a month ago, and he despises that fact.

After their conversation involving smoke, George had been a bit worried about him, because something is obviously bothering his best friend. George can't pry though, not when Matty isn't ready for him to, and George can sense that whatever he was speaking about is a delicate topic.

George had spent half of the evening pondering over what it might involve, but knowing Matty, it could be anything from the band, to his sexuality, to some other concept that George hasn't even considered, so in the end, he had dropped it, knowing that if it was important, Matty will bring it up again, but now Ross's question has George's conclusion crumbling into dust as he tries not to panic prematurely.

"Not exactly, he's just been acting off today," Ross shrugs, snatching up a cup without bothering to see if it's the one he ordered, taking a long sip before making eye contact with George again, "I think he's having a bit of a cry in the back with John right now."

"Really?" George sputters, lowering his volume slightly to see if he can hear anything that will give credence to Ross's claims, but he's met with only silence.

"That's what it seemed like when I interrupted them, John all but threw me out before I got a good look though. Just thought it was strange since Matty usually turns to you when he's upset."

"I...I'm not sure what's going on," George admits, because it's true. George is Matty's traditional shoulder to cry on, and even when he's not, he didn't think John would be the next in line. He's a nice bloke and all, but Matty's much closer to Adam and Ross than he is the saxophonist. "Maybe he was just there at the right time?"

"That's probably it," Ross agrees, turning his attention to his coffee again instead of their conversation. "I'm sure everything's fine mate," Ross adds on when George continues to stand there with his gaze locked on the area where Matty is. "Sit down yeah? Matty will tell you what's bothering him eventually."

 _"Unless I'm the problem,"_ George thinks to himself, because what if Matty's finally noticed that he's been more affectionate lately and that is the source of his distress. It's a stretch, but maybe Matty's smoke simile meant he's feeling trapped by George, smothered by his actions even though he's trying his best to keep things casual.

Matty's smart though, so it's possible that he's figured out that George has fallen for him. He could be debating over how to end it right now, maybe he's even posing the scenario to John using someone else as a substitute for George to explain the situation. It would explain why Matty's upset, because he won't want to hurt George, but if he's realized that George is in love with him, he'll know that it's inevitable, which could also account for his tears.

George isn't ready to explain what's truly going on to Ross though - or _anyone_ just yet. He could be completely off the mark with his guess anyway, so he keeps his internal dialogue to himself as he follows Ross's advice, plopping into the closest chair with a heavy sigh.

"Seriously George, I'm sure he's fine," Ross speaks up again when George continues to mope. "He probably went to John for an opinion from someone who doesn't know him as well, loads of people do that from time to time."

"What do you mean?" George mumbles tiredly, not wanting to discuss this anymore but also lacking in the energy required to get up and walk away.

"You know...like if you asked me if you look good in that shirt, I'd say it's great on you because I'm your mate, but a stranger might tell you it's complete shit."

" _Hey_ \- I'm quite fond of this top," George huffs, glancing down at his patterned blue button up defensively, "and you're one to talk, where the hell did you get a yellow jumper from anyway?"

"John picked it out, so blame him if you don't like it."

"Oh really, that's a bit coupley isn't it?" George teases, enjoying the way Ross flushes faintly while squirming in his seat.

As caught up as he's been with Matty, George hasn't missed the way Ross has been just as occupied with John. The two are almost always together on their free days, and although George isn't sure if there are actually any feelings there, he's more than willing to rub it in Ross's face in retaliation for making him worried about where he stands with Matty.

" _It's not_ \- we were just out one night and he saw it in a shop window, said it would complement my coloring," Ross protests hotly, although his words aren't helping his case at all, and he seems to realize that as soon as they leave his mouth if his darkening face means anything at all.

"Sounds like something a boyfriend would say."

"Oh fuck off," Ross snaps, "you've got no right to comment on us, especially not when I haven't mentioned whatever the hell you and Matty have going on since that one time."

"Calm down mate." George tries his best not to laugh although the hysteria at Ross's overreaction is bubbling inside of him rapidly. "I'm sorry, I'll stop - promise."

"You better," Ross mumbles, finishing his drink quickly before crushing the cup so harshly George thinks he's imagining it's him in place of the styrofoam, burying his fears involving Matty and what he may or may not be discussing with John in the hilarity of Ross's anger for as long as he can before he's left alone with his thoughts once again.

~~~

George finds Matty curled up on the sofa in the main area of the bus the next night on his way into the kitchen to get a glass of water, although part of his reason for his impromptu trip may have been caused more by the fact that Matty hadn't returned to his bunk yet and George was curious what he was up to than any actual thirst.

Everyone else had retired long ago since they'd been playing shows nonstop the entire week, leaving them all knackered and half dead on their feet most of the time, but George can't relax until he makes sure that Matty is alright.

George had kept a close eye on him after the incident with John, but no matter how carefully he observed him, Matty had seemed fine once he had emerged from the back with the saxophonist. His eyes were shiny and he was a bit quieter than usual, but he had clung to George once he realized he was back, practically crawling into his lap so he could get to his coffee and then staying there when Adam and John took up the rest of the seats, which he wouldn't have done if he was upset with George.

George must have overreacted when he assumed that Matty had discovered his feelings for him, because he's not acting differently now, or pulling away any more than he has been. Maybe John just played him a new part and he'd gotten emotional over it, or John could have shared something with Matty that had him choking up, or anything in between really.

There are thousands of explanations for what had happened, and George isn't going to assume the worst unless Matty approaches him about it, which he hasn't done. George has a feeling that he's safe, at least for the time being. Matty would have said something by now if he truly had been found out, and as long as he's careful, he should be able to continue hiding his secret affections for the older man.

"Really Matty?" George groans under his breath when he sees that Matty's eyes are glued to the television which is currently playing Weekend - _again_.

"It's my favorite movie," Matty huffs out his reply like that isn't a fact that George is already aware of, stretching his slender body lazily before sitting up slightly, patting the seat next to him in a silent plea for George to join him, which he does of course.

"Should have known you weren't completely straight when you told me that," George teases, making himself comfortable before wrapping his arm around Matty when he immediately leans against his side.

"Oh sod off, straight people can like this," Matty retorts hotly, "it's honestly such a wonderful film, even Ross said he enjoyed it."

"Yeah, but you're not one of them, in fact, I don't think Ross is either."

"What are you on about?" Matty fully turns to face George, the movie forgotten about in favor of gossip which has George laughing deeply before he answers Matty's query.

"Well I could be wrong, but haven't you noticed how much time Ross is spending with John lately, and he got very defensive when I insulted a jumper that John had apparently picked out for him yesterday."

"Oh god, you mean that hideous yellow thing?" Matty chortles happily when George nods, his eyes shimmering joyfully as he collapses against George's chest in a fit of giggles. "They have been getting closer recently now that you mention it, I can't believe I didn't see this sooner."

"Now Adam just needs to fancy a bloke and this will be the gayest band ever." George joins Matty with his own soft chuckle, his heart swelling with happiness since it seems like forever since he and Matty shared a proper laugh together.

"You're right... _hey_ \- we should name our group chat gay boys instead of rad lads," Matty suggests, pulling his phone out immediately after to do just that supposedly, which should receive some interesting reactions from Ross and Adam in the morning.

A part of George is telling him that he should probably talk Matty out of this, but he's enjoying seeing Matty excited about it too much to bother.

George turns his attention to the screen briefly while Matty is occupied by his phone, only to be greeted by the sight of come coating Russell's stomach, which of course produces images of Matty in the exact same position, which has George a bit hot and bothered, although he does his best to brush it off with a roll of his eyes as he slouches his shoulders subconsciously.

Matty seems to be similarly affected though once he looks up just in time to catch the end of the scene, putting the device down by his side without removing his eyes from the television, the flickering of the screen outlining the angles of his face which George is discretely observing from his peripheral vision.

George doesn't miss the subtle glances Matty's sending in his direction, and he's not at all surprised when Matty gets up suddenly, claiming he's going to grab a blanket from his bunk. When he returns, he throws himself down much closer to George than he had been previously, his shoulder digging into George's ribs so sharply that George's thinks he might be bruising, but he doesn't mention it in favor of keeping Matty near him.

Matty returns his gaze to the movie much to George's disappointment, but it wasn't like he was truly expecting Matty to initiate anything here. They'd fooled around in the bunks a few times, but only when Matty was desperate and fresh from a show and he couldn't wait for the next hotel night. He's already wound down by this point, and George is fine with just watching a film together like they used to, although his cock protests slightly when he shifts in place subtlety.

George finds himself studying Matty instead of the screen though just like he always seems to do lately. George lets his body relax against Matty's slim frame, his arm slipping around his waist and his head falling onto his shoulder although he knows he's going to get a crick in his spine from leaning over in such an awkward position if he stays that way for too long.

When the sex scene starts, Matty begins to fidget constantly, forcing George to hide his grin in Matty's neck so he won't catch sight of it. George finds his hands wandering lower of their own accord when Matty bites on his bottom lip, ghosting his fingertips over the thin material of his blouse before pausing at Matty's stomach, rubbing his thumb over the small patch of hair there, causing Matty's muscles to clench under his gentle strokes.

Despite what he had said earlier, George wants to see if Matty will respond positively to his touch. He usually tries to keep their activities on the bus to a minimum so he won't subject their bandmates to the noises Matty makes, but he's tempted to see if Matty will let him wank him off right now even though this isn't really the place to do it.

Matty's breath hitches when George brushes over his clothed crotch teasingly, his head lolling to the side as his hips twitch upward instinctually. George's smirk widens at Matty's reaction, his teeth pressing against Matty's skin as he slips his fingers under the waistband of his loose fitting pyjamas, which George suspects might actually be his given the way they're practically hanging off of Matty.

"Wait," Matty whimpers when George finally wraps his palm around Matty's cock, the blanket hiding his actions but not the shiver that wracks Matty's body as a result.

George stops instantly, assuming that Matty is going to protest to doing this here, which is perfectly understandable, but what George doesn't expect is for Matty to pat at his side before placing a small bottle of lube in George's line of vision.

"Do you just carry that around with you?" George sputters, his eyes going wide as his cock swells rapidly in between his legs, this unexpected turn of events leaving him dizzy and overheated all of a sudden.

"No," Matty sighs in a petulant fashion, "went to get it just now when I grabbed the blanket. I knew you were going to try something, and I'd rather have your fingers than anything else if I'm honest."

George can't find the words to form a proper response, so he lunges for Matty's mouth instead, yanking him back by his hair so he can bring their lips together as quickly as possible while trying to get them out of their clothes at the same time without breaking their kiss for too long.

Matty all but climbs into George's lap once their pyjamas have been tossed off and he's untangled himself from the blanket, spreading his thighs wide as he pushes the bottle into George's fist in a silent plea to hurry the fuck up.

George takes the hint, popping the cap open once he manages to tear himself away from Matty's mouth, spreading the clear substance over two of his fingers as Matty watches him with a slack mouth and glazed over irises.

"Don't be gentle," Matty whispers when George traces over his hole teasingly, feeling his muscles flexing under his touch. Matty punctuates his words by pressing back on George's hand, his face screwing up as his rim protests to the pressure before finally giving in and allowing George's fingers to slip inside.

Matty whimpers harshly as George grips at his hip with his free hand, trying to still him even though Matty's already attempting to rock back on the digits inside of him. Matty's more desperate than usual, which George hadn't been expecting when he considering doing this, but it had been a bit since they'd messed around, almost five days if his internal calendar is correct.

Matty's impatience is rubbing off on George who starts twisting his digits in the way he knows will have Matty falling apart within minutes if he keeps it up. George is trying to be careful, knowing that he might hurt Matty if he goes too quickly, especially since he hasn't been stretched lately, but Matty's having none of that. He simply moves quicker when George slows the speed of his pumping digits, so George lets his good intentions evaporate in favor of giving Matty what he wants.

George strokes up Matty's spine gently, allowing him to set the pace for now, somehow sensing that Matty needs to dispel this sudden burst of energy before he lets George take over and finish him off. Matty throws his head back as he continues with his stilted motions, his curls brushing at his shoulders and his expression twisting into a grimace before a soft cry leaves his lips when George starts stroking against his prostate.

George carefully works in another finger mostly dry, knowing that Matty likes the sting and he's already wet enough inside to take it with just the slightest hint of drag, trusting that Matty will tell him if it's too much. Matty's thighs tremble as he adjusts to the added stretch, his throat working as he swallows heavily, the bouncing of his adam's apple drawing George's attention away from his eyes for a brief moment.

George likes this position, it's not one they've used before, but watching Matty's every facial twitch as he writhes and tries to quiet his moans has George's stomach coiling and his cock throbbing where it's trapped in between their stomachs, and he reminds himself to situate Matty like this more often in the near future.

George curses lowly when Matty wraps his hand around his length, squeezing the base hard which has George's fingers jabbing upward along with his hips, ripping an incoherent sound out of Matty at the same time. George drags Matty into another kiss then, gasping against his teeth as Matty whimpers and writhes in his lap.

"George," Matty breaks away from him with a soft moan, his hand dropping from George's cock as well which has George groaning in displeasure. "I want - I... _please?_ "

George isn't quite sure what Matty means, mostly because they've never gone further than this before. He's not willing to give Matty another finger without lube in fear of hurting him if that what he's asking for, but he can't seem to find the bottle. His gaze roves over the messy blanket that's barely covering them, but he's distracted when Matty suddenly pulls off of his fingers with a sharp hiss.

"What do you need Matty?" George asks, his voice rough and gravely with suppressed lust as he watches Matty's torso flex, his muscles shifting under his sweaty skin in a way that George can't help but to label as mesmerizing.

"Want you," Matty murmurs darkly, his hand returning to George's cock as he speaks. George doesn't remember him reaching for the bottle of lube, but his palm is slick with it, causing George's hips to buck upward into his fist without any conscious thought on his part. "Can I?" Matty queries again, and it's only then that Matty's words sink in and George understands what he's insinuating.

"Now?" George gasps, forcing himself to keep his eyes open when Matty thumbs at the head of his cock roughly, a sharp hiss escaping past his clenched teeth as he tries to think logically about this.

"Yes - god George, _fuck me_."

George knows this is a stupid idea, they're on the bloody bus, and even though everyone else appears to be asleep, that can change at a moment's notice. They shouldn't even have gone this far, he should have just wanked Matty off and left it at that, but he can't deny that he wants Matty on his cock right now more than anything - _fuck_ , just the thought has his stomach jumping and his cock leaking all over Matty's knuckles.

George hadn't envisioned their first time this way, he always thought it would be in a hotel, that he'd spend his time opening Matty up until he can't take it any longer, that Matty would beg and plead for his cock as loudly as he wants, but something about this situation feels right - feels like _Matty_. It's spontaneous and poorly thought out like so many things Matty does, but those usually turn out for the best in the end, take the band for example.

So although George should probably be the voice of reason right now and convince Matty to wait until their next proper stop, he keeps his misgivings to himself. Part of it is selfish desire, because god knows when Matty will ask for this next, but the majority of his mind just wants to please Matty, and if he really wants this, George isn't going to deny him anything.

"Alright," George nods, his voice emerging in more of a croak than the strong, assured tone he was going for, but it's enough for Matty who immediately heaves out the breath that George hadn't noticed he'd been holding. "Condom?" George offers, not sure if Matty's still set against using them or not, or even if they have any with them, but he still has to ask.

"No," Matty shakes his head, lifting himself up on his knees as he speaks until the head of George's cock is positioned against the rim of his arse.

"Are you absolutely sure about this?" George questions one last time, because he knows that once they get going, he won't be able to stop, although the mere thought of pausing has George's cock pulsing forlornly, but this is for Matty - this has _all_ been for Matty, and it always will be, no matter how many times they do this.

"God do you ever shut up?" Matty huffs in a petulant fashion, his slim fingers tossing his hair out of his eyes only for the curls to immediately flop back over his face.

George takes the liberty of holding the unruly locks back for him as Matty lines himself up once again, his thighs squeezing together and his eyes falling shut as he forces his body to relax enough to accept the head of George's cock. The excruciating pressure around his sensitive tip sends George's nerves into overdrive as Matty continues to work himself onto George's length at a pace so slow that it's almost agonizing, but George doesn't rush him, although his lungs are seizing in his chest and his heart is beating so fast he thinks it might be detrimental to his health.

"Oh fuck," Matty whimpers, his entire body shaking as his arse cheeks finally come to a rest on George's thighs. " _Fuck_ ," Matty repeats, his nails digging into George's shoulders as he rotates his hips slowly.

"You alright?" George chokes out, his muscles tensing up as he does his best to resist bucking up into Matty like he so desperately wants to. He feels a bit like he deserves a medal or something for his self-control honestly, because Matty's so warm and tight that staying still is actually physically painful.

"Yeah, god you're big," Matty whines, a low moan paired with George's deep chuckle vibrating through the small amount of space separating them as Matty leans back slightly.

"If it's too much, we can stop." George forces himself to unclench his fist from his side so he can cup Matty's face with the hand that isn't tangled in his hair, tilting it upward so he can bring it into his line of vision.

Matty's cheeks are streaked with tears that have George's stomach writhing with fear, but there's pleasure shining in his eyes along with the pain, and somehow George knows that Matty wants to keep going even though the stretch has to be agonizing for him, especially since it's his first time.

"No, I'm good."

George starts to say something else, to seek out another round of verbal clarification so he can move forward in this guilt free, but all coherent thought evaporates from his mind when Matty lifts himself back up. George's cock pulsates heavily with the movement, his head hitting the back of the couch as he bites his lip to stop the noises gathering in his throat from escaping.

Matty moans loudly when he bottoms out - _too loudly_ given the fact that they aren't alone. George's throat is incapable of forming the words needed to tell him to keep it down though, so he sticks his fingers in his mouth instead, pushing them past Matty's swollen lips as he starts sucking on them eagerly, his jaw going slack and his eyes closing as he pulls upward so far George is afraid he's going to slip out of Matty before he grinds down again.

George has to bite his tongue to stop himself from crying out at the friction and drag, because it's _amazing_. Matty's so fucking tight, it's like nothing he's ever felt before, maybe because the last time he properly had sex with a bloke was years ago, but still, George has his suspicions that even if he was getting laid every night, Matty would still make them all appear paltry and insubstantial.

As Matty finds a steady rhythm, George loses himself in the perfect pressure around his cock and the fact that it's Matty he's got in his lap, because this is what he's been waiting for - _dreaming of_ , and now that it's happening it's hard to process it.

A part of George wishes that he had more time to prepare himself for this, because with how quickly this all occurred, George feels like it's slipping away from him before he has the chance to truly appreciate it, but on the other hand, this rapid escalation is probably a good thing, otherwise George might have gone a bit overboard with the romantics of it all which is something Matty most likely wouldn't appreciate.

 _Still_ \- George is floundering as he tries to find his internal equilibrium which has apparently completely evaporated the second Matty pushed down on his cock. He's seeing and feeling everything, but it's not sticking, it's like he's stuck five minutes in the past still asking Matty if this is alright but _no_ \- that's Matty bouncing in his lap, that's his muscles tensing around him with so much pressure that George doesn't know how he hasn't lost it yet.

Matty's working himself against George's cock like he'll die if he stops, his spine jerking sharply whenever he hits his prostate, his teeth scraping over George's knuckles roughly as he whimpers and chokes on the sounds George wishes he could make without fear of discovery.

George is still drawn to Matty's tear streaked face, to his blown out eyes and the way his cheekbones become more prominent when he sucks especially hard at George's fingers, although his gaze darts between that and his swollen cock that is jutting up between them, the tip weeping precome onto George's belly every time it rubs against his abdominals which are clenching rhythmically as he controls himself from fucking up into Matty hard and fast.

Matty pulls himself away from George's fingers with a wet pop after an indeterminate amount of time, his body collapsing so suddenly it catches George off guard. He barely manages to wrap his arms around Matty before he tilts to the side, holding him against his torso as Matty makes a sound somewhere between a moan and a sob.

"George, I can't - I need to come," Matty heaves out, and it's only then that George notices how his muscles are literally trembling with exhaustion most likely, which isn't at all surprising given the trying position and the fact that Matty's probably still exhausted from their show.

"It's alright love, just let me take care of you," George murmurs, carefully lifting Matty off his cock although the loss has him hissing sharply through his clenched teeth.

George lays Matty down on the couch gently, his breath catching in his throat when Matty's curls spill against the cushions and his skin glitters under the faint glow coming from the television. George thinks the movie has ended by this point, he faintly hears the theme that accompanies the credits playing in the background, but he isn't curious enough to check, he'd much rather observe how Matty looks like he's been painted with liquid silver in this light than anything else.

Matty reaches for George when he settles himself between his thighs, his blunt nails digging into his sides as he drags George closer to him, his legs stretching open as wide as they can go as George pushes back into him with a soft grunt. Matty keens quietly and twists away for a brief moment, inciting George to pause until the tension in Matty's spine bleeds out of him and his tight muscles loosen up by a small fraction.

"You're doing so well Matty, you're so fucking gorgeous - you feel so good around my cock," George whispers as he leans over Matty, tangling his hands in his hair before punctuating his words with a gentle kiss.

Matty sobs softly at the compliments, his body arching into George's as his legs wrap around his waist, allowing George to feel his shaking thighs and his swollen cock now that he's no longer able to see them.

George continues to mutter praises without truly registering what he's saying, calling Matty everything from lovely, to angel, to babe, making sure to hold back the three words that are searing at his insides as if in protest of being kept secret, but that's how they have to stay.

All thoughts that don't involve Matty flee from George's mind, including the fact that they aren't alone, and that Matty's making too much noise, and that they could be caught at any moment. None of that matters, George doesn't care if someone sees, it's a minor fear compared to the unparalleled pleasure of having his cock buried inside Matty's tight heat.

Matty's chanting George's name like it's a prayer and a plea all wrapped into one, his head thrashing from side to side as his spine bows upward and every one of his muscles lock up. Tears are streaming down his cheeks again, this time formed of desperation instead of pain, but he still doesn't touch his own cock, and his willingness to wait for George means more to him than he could ever explain with words.

"George, please - _god_ , want to come, please let me come," Matty begs weakly when it's apparent that he's at his breaking point, his tone emerging overwhelmed and so thickly laced with pleasure that George has put there, that George has caused - _fuck_ , that might be his greatest accomplishment to date in George's opinion.

"It's alright Matty, you can let go now." George ends his sentence by wrapping his wide palm around Matty's cock, his mouth covering Matty's so he can swallow the scream he lets out as he comes in a sudden rush, his muscles clamping down so tightly around George he thinks it would hurt if it didn't feel so _fucking wonderful_.

George shatters seconds later before he's even aware of what's happened, he's been too invested in Matty's pleasure to notice how much of it was flowing through his own veins. He moans against Matty's mouth as his release coats his insides, his hips rocking back and forth sporadically as his orgasm tears through him with such intensity that George isn't sure if it will ever end.

George pulls out of Matty when he feels him wince with sensitivity, his head falling down into Matty's neck as his eyes close, his body reeling as he recovers from what was easily the best sex of his life. George feels warm and content, every place he's touching Matty is alive and sparking as the room falls silent except for their harsh breathing.

Matty coils himself around George in a mess of slick limbs and sweaty curls, his arms locking behind George's neck and his lips dragging across his collarbone as he tangles their legs together, leaving no empty air between their entwined bodies. George copies his actions and cradles Matty close, breathing in the scent of sex and cigarettes and Matty, the latter of which will always be his favorite.

And in that moment, there is no question in George's mind that he's completely, irrevocably in love with Matty. He can't deny it anymore, at least not from himself, not now with Matty clinging to him for dear life, his fragile bones shaking under George's wide palm as he strokes across his shoulder blades, his touch gentle and reverent and tinged with all of the adoration that George can never admit aloud.

George attempts to unwind himself from Matty once he thinks he can do so without tumbling over, not wanting to remain in this position for too long in case he loses control of his tongue and says something foolish only for Matty to dig his nails into his sides roughly, a whimper emitting from his throat that sounds almost fearful.

"Let go Matty," George huffs affectionately, "I'll be right back."

"Don't leave," Matty protests, but he does release his hold on George by a small fraction, allowing the younger man to gather their discarded clothes before returning to the sofa, using his shirt to wipe Matty clean the best that he's able to before slipping on his shorts.

Matty makes no attempt to dress himself, so George ends up doing it for him, not wanting someone to walk in and get an eyeful of Matty sprawled out naked on the cushions. They're incredibly lucky that they've made it this far without detection actually, and George isn't going to push their good fortunate any further than they already have.

George is halfway through tugging Matty's loose jumper over his head, the task made much more difficult since Matty is hardly helping at all when a soft sniffle reaches his ear, followed by a hitched inhalation that has George's heart seizing in his chest when he realizes that it's Matty making those pitiful noises.

George almost tears the fabric so he can get Matty's head through the stretched neckline, his hands immediately brushing his sweat soaked curls back from his eyes so he can get a better look at them, and sure enough, they're clouded and watery, and when George glances lower, he sees that Matty's bottom lip is trembling erratically as well.

"Oh god," George croaks out, his own throat tightening sympathetically when the first tear drags down Matty's cheek, "did I hurt you? I'm so sorry Matty, I didn't mean to," George babbles fearfully, his hands clenching at his sides although he wants nothing more than to pull Matty into his arms, but he's too afraid to touch him just in case he's the reason he's like this.

"No," Matty finally speaks after what feels like hours to George, each second resonating heavily inside his stomach which is twisting with guilt and self-loathing, "you were perfect." Another spill of tears follows after Matty's statement, leaving George confused and disbelieving and so fucking scared for Matty that it's actually agonizing.

"Then what's wrong?" George's tone is shaky and broken, laced with desperation and helplessness, the negative sensations only growing stronger with every second that passes by in which he doesn't receive any clarification.

Matty doesn't answer with words, but he does throw himself into George's lap, curling around him the best that he can without knocking the two of them off the sofa. George pushes his befuddled thoughts away for the moment, running his hands down the bumps of Matty's spine as he starts to cry even harder.

"I don't want to be alone," Matty finally chokes out in between sobs, his tears soaking George's skin quickly, mixing with the sweat that's drying there from their earlier activities.

"You aren't love, I'm right here," George soothes him, dragging Matty even closer to his skin when he whimpers hoarsely. "I'm always right here."

"Don't leave please?" Matty begs, his hand latching around George's wrist with an intensity that surprises George, although his fingers can barely close around it.

"I won't," George promises, still unsure about what's brought on this mood swing, but as long as he isn't the cause of Matty's pain, he's fine with not understanding, or at least that's what he's going to keep telling himself.

George reminds himself that Matty's generally an emotional person, he cries over most things that affect him, which means that maybe what had just happened had resonated with him as well as George, maybe Matty's feeling something more for him besides plain lust, or maybe not.

This could just be Matty truly coming to terms with himself as well, and this is a part of him letting all of his walls fall down in a display of tears and a need for comfort. George won't know which of those options it is unless Matty tells him, _hell_ \- it could be neither of those things, but George doesn't need the reason right now, he can be there for Matty even while remaining clueless to the cause of his distress.

Matty continues to cry as George holds him tightly, his lips occasionally resting against his forehead, or whatever patch of skin he can reach, a low hum rumbling through his chest in favor of the soothing words that George can't quite vocalize since he doesn't know what to say, but his small actions seem to help, and eventually, Matty's breathing evens out and his head lolls downward, his damp cheek pressing against George's heart which is beating erratically no matter how hard he tries to calm himself.

"Matty, you still with me?" George dares to ask although he's reluctant to disturb the other man who seems all but asleep now that he's cried himself out.

"Mhmm," Matty mumbles quietly, his lanky limbs tucking inward as he shifts himself into a more comfortable position.

"Come on, let's get you in bed."

"No," Matty protests weakly, his eyes shooting open as he sits up suddenly, "I want to stay with you."

"Fine, my bunk then." George waits for Matty's nod of affirmation before helping Matty into a standing position, his insides twisting violently when Matty immediately wraps his arms around his stomach once George is no longer touching him.

George rectifies that instantly by placing a guiding hand on Matty's shoulder when he's on his feet, gently leading the other man while he attempts not to get too caught up in the fact that Matty appears to be visibly upset again.

George tries not to let it affect him, but he can't help but blame himself for this. He doesn't think he truly hurt Matty, he'd seemed fine until recently after all, but without any further clarification from his best friend, it's almost impossible not to feel awful for this sudden turn of events.

And really, George knows that if he had been the source of Matty tears, he wouldn't be clinging onto him right now, he'd have separated himself from George, he'd have run off to have a private cry on his own, but _still_ \- logic isn't making George feel any better, and he knows he won't stop worrying about this until Matty tells him what's wrong, which he might never do.

George wishes he could read Matty's mind like he used to be able to, but their connection has changed lately, and not in a negative fashion necessarily, but it's new just like so many things involving Matty lately, it's different and unstable when before it was always crystal clear.

George thinks that is his fault as well, even if Matty's been pulling away from him, he has let him. He's been too caught up in his head, too busy trying to sort out his feelings for Matty without crossing any lines, and maybe he's accidentally neglected Matty just when he needs him most, which is almost as appalling as physically hurting him would be.

George's confusion swells to a suffocating level when Matty tucks himself against him, the bunk that barely fits George's large frame feeling twice as confining as it usually does, but George doesn't complain. His own discomfort is unimportant at the moment, and he refuses to leave Matty in this sort of state, even if it's only working him up even further.

Matty wakes numerous times throughout the night, but it's when he twists suddenly and cries out George's name without opening his eyes, his voice emitting so afraid - _so lost_ , that's when George breaks, because something's plaguing Matty to the point of madness, and he can't figure out what.

George feels like a failure, even when he drags Matty against his chest and holds him until his shakes fade away, because he's just tending to the symptoms, but the main problem is still there, whatever that is, and if George really cared about Matty like he claims to, he would have noticed this sooner.

He's been passing Matty's moods off as residual aftershocks caused by his breakup with Gemma coupled with touring which always takes it out of Matty. He gives his everything to the crowd each night before sleeping for a few hours and doing it all over again, so it's typical for him to become closed off and stroppy, especially in the middle of things which is where they're at right now.

But it's never been like this before, and George doesn't understand why. It can't just be because they're sleeping together, but maybe that's part of it. If this arrangement is becoming harmful to Matty's mental health, he'd end it in a heartbeat, no matter how much he loves it - loves _him_ , but if Matty's changed his mind on this whole thing like George had previously considered, then why does he seem to enjoy their intimate moments almost as much as George does, why hasn't he spoken to George about it?

He might be waiting for George to bring it up, but that isn't like Matty. He isn't afraid to speak his mind, and this had all been for him anyway, so logically he should be the one to end it. George can't force himself to mention terminating their agreement anyway, not unless Matty gives him a more cohesive hint that he no longer wants to continue with it, he's too selfish to lose Matty, especially if his guess is completely off the mark.

George is so confused that he wants to tear his hair out in frustration, but he finds himself choking back tears instead, his heart physically aching as he watches over Matty all night like he might disappear if he closes his eyes for even a moment, making sure their skin is touching at all times even after he gets hot and uncomfortable, because keeping Matty close is the most important thing to him right now, that way he'll know he isn't alone the second he wakes up.


	11. We Fall Back Now To This Empty House

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been ages once again but I have finally returned.
> 
> This chapter is much shorter than the others have been but I thought it worked better cutting it off here and I'd already made you all wait long enough, so hopefully you enjoy.
> 
> And I know I apologize for this all the time but I really am sorry for how long these chapters take me to get up but I always appreciate everyone for being so wonderful about waiting and I promise I won't forget about this story even if it seems like I have.

Opening his eyes seems impossibly difficult for Matty the following morning, almost as if he has to drag himself through layers of unconsciousness composed of granite that are pressing down around him heavily, refusing to relent even though he needs to move since the position he's gotten himself into isn't all that comfortable.

Matty's tempted to allow sleep to overtake him again, that way he won't have to face anyone for that much longer, but his mind is already churning away rapidly in a manner that Matty knows won't let him drift back off again any time soon, so he forces his lids to open with a weary sigh that starts from the bottom of his toes before making its way out of his lips.

Matty's vision is instantly filled with colored skin that he belatedly recognizes as George's arm which he's apparently been using as a pillow. George is pressed against him from chest to thigh, and although a part of Matty loves the security he finds in his warm embrace, the larger half of him is wracked with another wave of guilt that leaves his eyes damp and stinging.

Matty bites his lip roughly as George shifts in his sleep, trying to ascertain if he can escape before he has another breakdown like the embarrassing scene he was the unwitting star of last night.

Matty hates himself for putting George through that, for being the person that he is, but it had all become too much for him and he'd snapped at the worst possible moment.

It wasn't anything that George had done - of course not, in fact, he'd been perfect, maybe even too much so.

Matty doesn't deserve someone like George in his life, but at the same time, he _needs_ him. Finally having sex with George had been more than Matty could ever have imagined. It was earth shattering as cliché as it sounds, but it had also left Matty shaken to his very core.

Last night had only punctuated how awful of a friend Matty is, because George was - _is_ so lovely, so caring. He'd been incredibly gentle with Matty even as he was tearing him apart, and as soon as they had finished, Matty had been buried under the weight of his lies that George is still blissfully unaware of.

Crossing that barrier with George had only reminded him of how much he hides from him, and in typical Matty fashion, he'd become so overwhelmed he'd devolved into sobs that had ruined what had otherwise been a perfect evening.

Matty can't go on like this for much longer, not with how intense things had gotten between them. He'd felt as if George had stripped him raw, as if they were connected on a level that transcends any sex he's been a part of, and as incredible as that sensation was, it was also terrifying, leaving Matty exposed and lost once it was all over.

Maybe things would be different if Matty was someone else - someone _better_ , if he didn't deceive George at every turn, if he was worthy of that sort of adoration and caring from another person, but he's not.

His descent back into his addictions has proven that to himself, and he refuses to allow anyone else to see how truly abysmal he is underneath the surface, especially not George.

Matty can't ruin things which George, which is contrary to his actions that seem dead set on doing just that.

George understood his attraction to cocaine before, but Matty had never hidden anything from him then - _fuck_ , Matty can't remember the last time he's lied to George, and he knows if he finds out that he's been snorting up behind his back, George will hate him, he'd be an idiot not to. Matty already despises himself for it, but he can't seem to stop.

Matty's fucked now, well and truly trapped by the lure of cocaine. He can barely make it until their next hotel night to get his hands on more, which had inspired him to buy an eight ball from his last hookup which he still has with him hidden away in his things.

John had almost caught him with it the other day when he'd been trying to find a place to stow it where no one would discover it.

It had been stupid of Matty to have it out at all, but with George off on a coffee run, he'd thought it had been the perfect opportunity to do so.

He still isn't sure if John had seen, he hadn't specifically asked him what was in his hand at least, and Matty had quickly stuffed it into his pocket as soon as he'd realized he wasn't alone.

Still - when John had inquired if he was alright, Matty had started crying before he could stop himself, because he _wasn't_ \- not even close.

John hadn't pried, he'd simply sat Matty down on the closest bunk and let him weep against his shoulder, listening intently as Matty muttered about how exhausted he was, how thinly stretched he felt, and John had bought his vague excuses just like Matty had been hoping he would.

Matty can't keep up this farce forever though, he'll be found out eventually, if not by George, then by one of the other boys who will tell him instantly.

Matty can't let that happen, but if he's going to avoid the inevitable, he has to stop what he's doing to himself, he's just not sure if he can manage that without George there to ease him through it.

Quitting once had been hard enough. There were times where Matty had wanted to die so he could escape the horrible symptoms of withdrawal, but he'd been in much deeper then, so maybe this time he can handle things without leaning on George as much as he had before.

But to do that, he's got to distance himself from George even more than he already has. The idea alone pains him, but George is clever. He'll figure out soon enough that Matty's not just ill or worn out from touring, so as much as Matty cringes at the thought, he knows he has to pull away from the one person who can give him comfort with his presence alone.

It will just be for a short while after all. Once he's got himself sorted out, he can focus on George again, maybe he'll even try to untangle the mess in his head that is overflowing with more than just his addictions.

Matty can do this - _maybe_ , but he's got to at least try to correct the nasty turn he's taken if he wants to mend the rift that's sprung up between him and George, and to accomplish that, he's got to deal with his own issues first.

Matty gets up carefully now that his mind is set, slowly untangling himself from George's limbs without waking him. He has no idea what time it is, but everyone else appears to still be asleep, so Matty knows he has to take care of this now before they awaken or he loses his courage entirely.

Matty makes his way to his bag with ginger steps, his spine aching fiercely as his bends over to dig through the scattered contents, providing him with a physical reminder of what he had done with George last night, not that he needs one since he knows he'll never forget it.

Matty allows memories of their evening together to flood his mind as his searching fingers close around the baggie he'd stuffed in a sock without a match, focusing on that instead of what he's about to do.

He recalls how George had looked hovering above him, how full he had felt with George's cock in him, pushing away the coiling tendrils of guilt until he remembers nothing besides how incredible everything else had been.

Matty begins to shake when he locks himself in the toilets, his thoughts going blank and scattered as his body protests against his actions.

He's already craving another line, but it seems like he always is lately. Maybe one more before he flushes it all away won't hurt, just to help him maintain an aura of normalcy when George confronts him about last night, which he's sure to do as soon as he wakes up.

Matty tosses the contents in the bowl with a sharp flick of his wrist before he can do anything else idiotic. He's familiar with this train of thought, he knows it doesn't end well, so he removes the temptation of the white powder entirely before he gives into the side of himself that turned him into an addict in the first place.

His heart clenches as he watches the crystals fall, but this is finally a step in the right direction.

Matty's fixing himself, which is something he should have done long ago, so although there is some regret mixing along with the pride he feels, he lets a smile tug at his lips as he flushes the toilet definitively.

~~~

George finds Matty on the sofa almost an hour later with a blanket wrapped around him and a mug of tea clutched in his fist that's gone cold long ago.

Matty's already secondguessing his decision to toss his coke, but he's doing his best to distract himself with some mind numbing television, the premise of which has slipped past him entirely, but it's background noise, and that is so much better than silence.

George doesn't say anything, he simply seats himself next to Matty, keeping a sliver of space between their bodies that Matty loathes but appreciates all at once.

Matty can't help but picture how they were last night in this exact spot, how good George had looked in the dim lighting, how incredible it had been to have his muscles stretched to their limits as George kissed him like he never wanted to stop, but Matty stows those images away, returning to their present situation which is nowhere near as pleasant as that one.

"Hey," Matty speaks up when George remains silent, his tone emerging in more of a croak than anything else, most likely because of his sobbing fit last night. "You sleep alright?"

George shrugs wordlessly, his adam's apple bobbing heavily when he turns so he can look Matty up and down as if he hasn't seen him in years.

"Not really, was worried about you," George admits, his teeth digging into his bottom lip as Matty shifts guiltily, his spine protesting even the simple movement, sending a quick flare of pain throughout his nerve endings.

"I'm sorry about that, _really_ \- I just got a bit overwhelmed I think," Matty mutters quietly, keeping his voice as low as possible so they won't be overheard, if anyone else is even awake that is.

"I thought I'd hurt you," George whispers just as softly, something sharp and agonizing twisting around Matty's insides when he allows himself to meet George's eyes which are glazed over and red rimmed. "I was so bloody scared."

"You didn't, I promise," Matty assures him, but it doesn't look as if his words are sinking in, if anything, George tenses up even further at his statement. "It was just my head you know, got a bit caught up in everything, and then I sort of snapped. It wasn't you at all, just me being a bit ridiculous, but I'm fine now honestly," Matty adds on, repeating the speech he'd been attempting to work out all morning, although now that he's saying it aloud, it sounds dismal and pathetic, which is a perfect definition of Matty's emotional state at the moment. "Sorry for the shitty timing and all that."

Matty wants to tell George what is really going on with him, but he can't do that without admitting he's been lying. Still - this feels like another falsity, and when George's face remains stoic and worried, Matty feels debatably worse than he did last night.

"As long as you're okay," George mumbles slowly, his arms crossing over his chest firmly as he peers down at his lap.

"I am George, shit - don't look at me like that," Matty pleads, his chest aching when George turns his head away, the minute action separating them even more, which is what Matty wants, but he hadn't thought it would hurt this much barely an hour after his decision had been made. "I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, and I'm not making any sense, but it wasn't you, I swear."

"You don't have to apologize to me," George sighs, his limbs flexing briefly as he inhales deeply, "but I don't understand what's going on with you, and I want to help."

"You are, just give me some time to figure myself out okay?" Matty punctuates the end of his statement by stretching out across the sofa after setting his cup of tea down, resting his head on George's thigh which is stiff like his muscles have all locked down at once. "I know I'm being a little shit, I'm just confused is all, but it'll work itself out."

Matty's aware that George will most likely assume he's speaking of his sexuality, and he lets him, even though he has no doubt in his mind that he's attracted to blokes as well as women by this point.

Honestly, he thinks being with George is better than all of the sex he's had combined, but it's easier to let George believe that instead of allowing him to discover that Matty's referring to something else entirely.

"Take as long as you need," George finally answers, and although he still appears a bit miffed, he relaxes slightly against the cushions, even going so far as to place his hand on Matty's head, twirling the thick curls around his long fingers absentmindedly.

"You aren't upset with me right?" Matty asks without meaning to. He's not an idiot, he can tell that George isn't in the best state, and he's certain it's because of how erratic he's been lately, but he still wants to hear what George's response is.

"Not at all, I'm confused too, maybe even a bit frustrated, but that's okay. Just remember that I'm here for you if you need something - _anything_."

"I know," Matty nods, hiding his grin in the fabric of George's pyjamas as he continues to play with his hair, his eyes drifting shut again now that he's starting to right everything that's gone wrong lately thanks to his own stupidity.

Things will get better soon, they have to. Matty's determined to quit using, then he can work on removing the tension that's festering between him and George.

As long as Matty doesn't slip up again, all the cracks in his life and his friendship with George will repair themselves over time, he just has to remember that later on when his cravings get worse.

~~~

"What the fuck - is this _come_?"

Matty snaps back into consciousness thanks to Adam's yelling, his eyes blinking blearily as he tries to see what's going on without moving George who's slumped over half on top of him.

"Shut the hell up Adam, can't you see some of us are sleeping?" George groans, his hand dragging over Matty's spine before he moves it to his tousled hair, messing it up even further as he rakes his hand through it agitatedly.

Matty finally spies Adam in the corner when he shifts his gaze away from George's face. He's got a laundry basket in his hand and he's examining what Matty now recognizes as the shirt George had used to clean them off with last night, causing a faint blush to race across his cheeks which he obscures by burrowing further into George's side.

"Well maybe if you didn't leave your wanking rags in the middle of the room, I wouldn't be making so much noise. Honestly George, I know this is yours, so don't act so innocent."

"God you're stroppy today," George scoffs, his torso twisting to the left as he tries to find a more comfortable position to lie in. "It won't happen again, now sod off before you wake Matty."

Matty swallows heavily as Adam stomps off muttering what's most likely insults aimed at the two of them under his breath, something about the way George had spat _'it won't happen again'_ resonating uncomfortably inside of him, but before he can ponder on why the simple statement has him so troubled since it wasn't aimed at him, he's nodding off again with his head cradled in George's lap and a subtle pressure squeezing at his heart.

~~~

Their next show is a bit of a mess. Matty's head is so clogged with everything that's happened lately that he can barely concentrate on the words he's spitting into the microphone.

He's sore, and tired, and he regrets throwing away his coke by the second song, if not the first.

Matty can tell he's not performing like he usually does, and the crowd seems to as well, but he can't unearth the side of himself that loves doing this no matter how awful everything else in his life is no matter how hard he tries.

Matty stumbles around on shaky legs and tries to pretend that he's more into his lyrics than he is, but he's mostly just waiting for the lights to shut off and this night to be over with so he can crawl into his bunk and hide from the world that's becoming too much for him to handle right now.

When he finishes the last few lines of Sex, he doesn't bother to do more than wave before he's rushing off stage, his stomach heaving slightly like he's going to be sick, which is a possibility since his diet today was mostly liquor with very little actual food.

He manages to keep his stomach contents where they belong though, and when George shoots him a look full of concern, Matty pulls off what he hopes is a convincing smile.

It seems to placate George for the moment, which has to be enough for now.

~~~

Matty does end up getting ill when they return to the bus, but at least his body waits until everyone else is passed out before his mouth is swimming with bile and his insides begin cramping so badly he has to all but run to the toilet.

Matty gasps shakily when he thinks he's thrown up everything he's consumed over the past few weeks, or at least that's what it feels like, wiping away the beads of sweat that have gathered on his brow with a trembling hand that he barely recognizes as his own.

Matty stays where he is until his breathing slows down to a more normal rate, but even after he's convinced he's not going to be ill again any time soon, he can't convince his aching body to move.

Really - he wants George here with him, he needs him to pick him up and put him back in bed just like he'd done all those months ago at his flat, but this time, Matty's alone, and he has no one to blame for that but himself.

Eventually Matty manages to walk out into the main room with the intention of returning to his bed, but he collapses on the sofa instead since he thinks his legs might give out on him before he makes it to the bunks.

When he wakes up, George is curled around him with one of his hands pressed against Matty's chest directly over his heart, which has Matty smiling properly for the first time in far too long.

~~~

Things calm down a bit over the next two weeks. Nothing really important happens, neither bad or good, which should please Matty since it might mean his life is beginning to regain some semblance of control, but it leaves him agitated and nervous instead.

Matty continues to resist his constant longing for cocaine, but he's not doing as well as he hoped, and to add to his misery, George seems off as well.

They're not fighting, or even acting all that different with each other, but something's changed.

George is distant and moodier than usual, and not just with Matty, but everyone else in the band as well, and given how emotional fragile Matty already is, having his support visibly crumble as well is making everything a thousand times harder.

Matty tries to pinpoint what exactly feels so wrong within their bond lately, but it's difficult to do. Matty thinks that some of his emotions are projecting onto George. He's been struggling with his withdrawal symptoms already, leaving him either listless or anxious, his brain flitting from one to the next with little warning in between.

Some nights he can't sleep, while other days he has to be physically pried out of bed, and all of this is punctuated with aching muscles and relentless shakes that are getting harder to obscure from the boys by the day.

But even with all of that dragging him down, what Matty hates most is the twisting feeling he gets in his gut when he doesn't find that same sense of comfort around George that he used to.

Maybe it would almost be better if George were cross at him, at least then Matty wouldn't have to wonder how they somehow manage to talk for hours without communicating.

It's as if the two of them are dancing around each other in an awkward waltz which neither of them truly know the moves to, leaving Matty exhausted and frustrated when the charade continues on no matter how hard he attempts to halt their stilted movements.

Matty doesn't confront George about it even when he becomes so exasperated with the invisible wall between them that he's tempted to scream, mostly because he's clueless on how to, not to mention he's afraid that at least a portion of George's strange behavior is because of him.

Matty's trying to act as normal as he can in spite of this. He's still spending most of his free time with George, which isn't much now that they're being swamped with interviews and show after show, and they still share room whenever they stop at a hotel for the night.

Matty doesn't allow himself to sleep in George's bed anymore though, even when his own becomes too large and cold without the other man pressed against his back since he knows he'll beg George to fuck him again if he gets that close to him.

Matty misses fooling around with George more than he thought he would, resulting in an embarrassing amount of late night wanking sessions that leave Matty less than satisfied, but he's learned his lesson from last time, so he continues to avoid being near George when a bed is present the best that he can without making it seem like that is his intention.

George is too skilled at opening him up and leaving him defenseless and bare, so until Matty can stand feeling that way without breaking down again, he has to prevent George from having the opportunity to unravel his darkest secrets with his touch.

~~~

They kiss once though when they're outside smoking. Ross had forgotten something in his room and he'd enlisted Adam's help in looking for it, leaving Matty and George on their own for a few brief moments.

George is still mostly asleep on his feet as he slumps down and lights a cigarette, and when Matty kneels beside him, George leans over and presses their mouths together almost as if it is an instinctual motion.

Matty gasps against his lips even as his body automatically shoves forward, the action taking him by surprise since George hasn't initiated anything in what feels like years to Matty.

"I miss you," George mumbles against Matty's teeth, pushing his lips against his quickly immediately after as if he wants to erase what he's just said, or maybe he's trying to imprint his words inside of Matty with the added punctuation.

Matty tears up at his statement, because he feels the exact same way. George is almost like a stranger to him now instead of his best friend. They're still playing the parts they once filled for each other while pretending that everything is fine, but it's _not_.

"I'm right here," Matty whispers back, hoping that George will understand his meaning, that he'll be able to see through the fog of confusion and doubt that Matty's wrapped around himself, that he'll pull him out of it and keep him safe in his embrace just like he used to, because if he doesn't, Matty thinks he might becoming lost within it forever.

"I know," George murmurs in a strained tone of voice, his hands curling into fists at his sides before he flexes them, wrapping one around the base of Matty's neck so he can drag their mouths back together again with a fierceness that leaves Matty helpless to fight against him, not that he truly wants to.

Matty lets George kiss him without pressing his point, placing his open palm on George's chest and allowing himself to believe that this will someone work itself out as George's heart beats steadily under his touch.

Matty shouldn't be doing this, he knows that, but he's powerless to stop himself now that they've started.

The logical portion of Matty's brain is screaming at him that this is just going to confuse George even more, but right now, Matty needs this, he aches to be held and told that everything is alright as the world falls apart around him.

Matty's shudders as George licks against his gums, everything he's barred himself from suddenly becoming available again if only for a few seconds.

Matty's mind tears itself to pieces as he tries to remember why he can't do this anymore, of how badly things will end if he lets George crawl under his skin and find the secrets he's hidden away, but right now, his resolve is crumbling, and he wants nothing more than to drag George to bed and never let him leave.

They kiss for a bit longer until Matty pulls away, the sound of a door opening behind them snapping him back into reality.

His hand tangles in his curls as he tries to pretend that he's not already desperate for more, but he's aware that anyone with eyes can most likely see the unbridled want in his blown pupils.

When Adam and Ross make their way over to them, George stands up quickly, and if his irises look a bit watery and his expression appears to be one born of pain, Matty convinces himself it is only caused by the sun that is currently blinding them, because _really_ , what else could it be?

~~~

Later that day, Matty interrupts a conversation that he's obviously not welcome in. He'd wandered off when the bus had stopped for gas, saying that he needed some fresh air, although he'd ended up smoking so many cigarettes that he'd rendered his statement completely useless.

Matty glances between everyone that's gathered in the kitchen, his eyes dancing from Adam with his crossed arms, Ross' serious face, John who's standing off to the side with a wide eyed look, and finally George.

George is biting his lip so furiously it's gone bright red, his teeth digging into the damaged skin as he glares at Ross for a moment before turning his attention to Matty.

"What's going on?" Matty asks nervously.

He'd vaguely heard their raised voices when he'd come inside, but he hadn't been able to process the words, although it's glaring obviously that he was most likely the current topic of discussion.

"Nothing," George huffs, pushing his way over to the sink before filling a glass of water with such stiff movements that Matty wonders if the glass he's gripping in his fist will shatter soon. "Don't wander off again yeah, we're heading out soon."

Matty scowls at George's retreating figure as he stalks away into the main room, turning to Adam in search of answers, but he only shrugs unhelpfully.

"I'm not a child George," Matty belatedly calls after him, but when he doesn't receive any response, he throws himself into the closest chair, cocking his head at Ross who looks like he's trying to phase through the floor so he can avoid this entire situation. "What's his problem."

"You're both being ridiculous, that's what," Adam groans, kicking his seat back so he can exit the room as well, leaving Matty alone with Ross and John who start talking like he's not even there, ignoring his pouting even though he makes sure to push his lip out obnoxiously and sigh heavily every few minutes.

~~~

Ross confronts Matty the next day before a show. They've still got some time before they have to go on, so Matty had snuck out for a smoke, unable to stand the suffocating atmosphere inside the dressing room they'd been trapped in.

George hadn't spoken to him for the rest of the day after he'd interrupted them in the kitchen, and Matty can't understand what he's done.

Things have been off between them for quite some time of course, but he wouldn't count what had happened as a proper spat, even though they hadn't really talked all that much in the hours following, so being ignored by his best friend for no good reason has him irritated and more on edge than he usually is before a gig.

Matty wonders if it was the kiss that has George so cross with him, if he'd ruined things even more by being selfish for the few seconds he'd allowed himself to give in to the temptation he constantly feels when he's near his best friend.

It's not like he's been avoiding George since, not purposefully at least, but he has kept his distance to stop himself from continuing what they had started earlier, and now it seems that George is retaliating against Matty's inattention by giving him a dose of his own medicine.

Matty nods to Ross when he lights up his own cigarette, not bothering with a proper greeting since he isn't all that interested in talking to anyone right now.

Ross takes a quick drag before sliding down next to Matty who's slumped against the wall of the venue, exhaling with a deep sigh that Matty knows means Ross is about to bring up a subject that he's not going to like.

"Is something going on with you lately mate?" Ross asks in a hesitant tone, his eyes not meeting Matty's as he poses his query.

"'m fine," Matty mumbles sullenly, picking at the rip in his jeans absentmindedly as he speaks, knowing his answer is anything but convincing, but he's too tired to bother with keeping up pretenses right now.

"George is worrying himself sick about you, he's been a bit of a mess lately."

"He's overreacting," Matty shrugs, doing his best to ignore the way his heart clenches painfully at Ross words. He hates the thought of George being upset, especially if he's the one that's caused him distress, but he's clueless as to how he can make things better since everything he's tried seems to have failed miserably so far. "I might be getting ill, could also just be worn out, but I'm sure I'll bounce back soon."

"Are you sure that's it?" Ross continues to press. "You're not yourself lately is all, and neither is George. Did you and him...um - _break up_?"

"We were never together," Matty snaps hotly, the statement searing at his tongue even more than the smoke that pours from his mouth with it. "Just fucking around."

"You know you can talk to one of us is something is wrong right?" Ross glosses over Matty's hostility, not letting it phases him at all, probably since he's become so accustomed to it over the past few weeks.

"I do, and I'm sorry," Matty apologizes, his eyes stinging a bit as he tries to rein in his unruly emotions. "Nothing happened, we're just taking a break I guess. I think I've fucked up somehow, I don't know," Matty admits, even though he's aware of exactly what he's done, and he's doing his best to fix it. 

Matty's throat closes up slightly as he tosses away his cigarette which has been reduced to the filter without him noticing. He finds himself wincing as it hits a puddle with a sharp hiss, the withered stub reminding him of himself right now since he thinks he might be about to burn out as well, or even worse, fade away.

"You should talk with George though, he's not cross with you, just confused. I think he -" Ross cuts himself off without finishing his statement, causing Matty to sit up slightly in the hopes of inspiring him to continue.

"He what?"

"He just... _really_ cares about you, and seeing you so unhappy is hurting him more than he's letting on. Try and mend things with him yeah? It'll make everything better."

"I will," Matty nods, although he's been trying to accomplish that all along.

That was the entire point of getting clean, of putting himself through the withdrawal symptoms that are still clawing at him even now, of saving George from the truth by keeping him in the dark about all of this.

He can't tell Ross that though, so he doesn't add on to his promise, instead punctuating it with a smile that Ross returns before they both walk inside together.

~~~

Their performance that night goes better than most. They're properly in sync with each other which has become a rarity, and the crowd is insane, singing every word back to them so loudly that Matty can barely hear himself at times.

He finds himself smiling throughout most of the show like he used to, and in that moment, he's reminded of why he loves what he does, and that no matter how abysmal things have been lately, this will always be worth any amount of suffering he goes through including constantly being exhausted and away from home.

But when Matty starts into fallingforyou, something unfurls inside of him that isn't just the simple joy of being on stage, although he can't quite place what it is.

He glances over at Ross when he loses his place slightly, doing his best to avoid George's gaze since the lyrics are reminding him of his best friend more than he would like.

When Matty reaches the line _"I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck",_ he lets himself turn around, his eyes locking on George who appears to have been staring at him the entire time.

Matty's knees buckle under the intensity in his irises, his heart stuttering in his chest as he faces the crowd once more, a sensation that might be longing curling up his spine, but he ignores it, pushing through the rest of the show without looking in George's direction again for the duration of the evening.

~~~

Matty ends up fingering himself on the bus that night, partially as a distraction from his cravings, but mostly because he's desperate to feel something inside of him again, and since he can't turn to George for that any longer, he's needy enough to give it a go himself.

He's been trying to sleep with dismal results, unable to get himself comfortable no matter how much he twists and turns. His cock is swollen and thick in his pants, it's been that way since their show, but Matty hasn't been all that inclined to touch himself since it's never anywhere as good as when George does it.

He'd briefly considered finding a fan before they'd left town, although that would have made him late for bus call, and the last thing he wants is to give his bandmates another reason to be miffed at him.

Still - he's been edgy and half hard since he left the stage, and although it hasn't been all that long since he's gotten laid, it feels like months have passed since he's had someone else's hands on his skin.

Matty tossed out that idea quickly though when no one had caught his eye, in fact, his attention had been drawn to George most of the time they'd spent thanking the girls and occasional boy who were lined up to meet them.

George ignored him for the most part, managing to make it appear like he was simply distracted by the person he was talking to and not like he was purposely turning his body away from Matty, but Matty hadn't missed the way that George had been uncharacteristically stiff around him.

Matty acts a bit obnoxiously because of that, leaning into George's space and bumping against him as often as he can while still playing it up as an accident, but George never comments on it.

He'd gone straight to bed once they'd returned to the bus, leaving Matty frustrated and confused and questioning everything that he'd previously been so sure of.

Matty wonders if pulling away from George is a mistake, if he's making things worse than they would have been if he'd continued on as they were, but it's too late to back out of his decision now, so he grits his teeth and climbs into his own bunk with a short huff that no one hears, trying not to jostle his cock which refuses to soften even now.

Ross' advice replays in his head on a constant loop as he curls up under the sheets, the words mocking him since his attempts at mending things between him and George have backfired on him once again.

Matty wants to break his self imposed solitude from his best friend so badly in that moment that he almost allows himself to crawl into George's bunk like he used to, even going so far as to pull back the curtain in an attempt to ascertain if George is awake, which he doesn't seem to be.

He's been doing better lately after all, so it couldn't really hurt anything, but honestly - Matty's scared to initiate any form of contact after they've gone so long without.

With a heavy swallow that sticks in his throat, Matty shuts himself away again, digging the tips of his fingers into the mattress to prevent himself from leaving the security of his bed.

It's not that he thinks George will reject him, not _really_ , but the slim possibility that he might has Matty shivering in distaste.

The more he ponders it, he realizes that he actually has no idea if George is still willing to fool around with him occasionally anymore, or if he's reverted back to finding fans to do that for him.

Matty's noticed that George doesn't immediately come back to the hotel like he used to, but he's been too afraid to ask what he does when he's not with him, especially given how short he's been with everyone lately. He never smells like sex or anything, but Matty isn't sure what else he could be doing since he's usually with him if he's not getting laid.

And really, it doesn't matter either way. If George is sleeping with other people - that's _fine_. Matty's done it enough himself over the course of this tour, leaving him incapable of passing judgment.

Matty doesn't need George to get off either, or anyone really, and if he misses having something in his arse, that's a problem he can take care of on his own without subjecting his pride to any more battery.

Matty forces his mind to empty itself of all thoughts of George as he kicks off his pants ungracefully. He's tired of mulling this over every night, and right now he'd rather focus on his cock instead of George's sex life.

Matty shifts until he's situated on his hands and knees, his ears straining for any noise that will let him know that someone else is up, but all he hears is overlapping layers of soft breathing and the occasional creak of a bed spring when one of his bandmates moves in their sleep.

Matty fumbles for the bottle of lube that he's still got tucked into the side of his bunk although he hasn't used it in ages, his hand trembling slightly as he opens the cap and slicks up his fingers.

He's not really sure what he's doing here, but if he copies the motions George had used on him in the past, he hopes it will be enough to satisfy the burning ache pooling in his stomach.

Matty stretches himself wide with his thumb before rubbing over the sensitive skin of his hole tentatively, his arm flexing as he tries to find the most comfortable angle in which to do this.

He gasps at the initial contact, his thighs spreading as far as they'll go as he continues to push against the tense ring of muscles until it gives slightly under the pressure, allowing him to work one finger inside of himself, although it's not as easy as he thought it would be.

Matty huffs impatiently as he moves the digit around, trying and failing to find that spot inside of himself that George can always locate so easily, his cock pulsing forlornly between his legs, begging for his attention since this doesn't seem to be working out.

Matty inches another finger in less carefully than the first, his eyes watering slightly at the sting, but he likes the feeling of being stretched like this, missed it even, but _really_ \- he misses George's fingers more than anything else.

Matty tries to remember how George does this, but it's difficult to recall the semantics since he's usually a moaning mess by this point.

Finally, he brushes against his prostate completely on accident, a startled cry escaping his lips that emits loudly in the cramped confines of his bunk.

Matty shoves back onto his hand roughly now that he's found that sensitive spot inside of himself, his arm aching as he moves it as much as he can in the small space.

A thin layer of sweat forms on his skin as he tries to muffle the sounds he's making by burying his face in his pillow, which has the added benefit of cutting off his airflow slightly, leaving Matty gasping wetly against the fabric as his nerve endings fire off sporadically, the heat in his belly reaching an unbearable level so quickly it's almost embarrassing.

Matty slips in a third finger when he thinks he can handle it, his body protesting the stretch still, but he ignores the pain in favor of chasing the pleasure that's flooding through his veins.

His muscles clamp down on the digits as if they're attempting to force them out, but Matty loves it. It reminds him of when he sunk down onto George's cock, how full he'd been, how he'd never wanted those sensations to end, of how flushed, and defeated, but most of all _adored_ he'd felt in that moment.

Matty whimpers at the recollection, his body going tense and his cock throbbing heavily, almost as if the memory is getting him closer to the edge than his fingers in his arse.

Matty gasps weakly as he rubs over his prostate, his eyes squeezing shut instinctually, only for him to be met with an image of George instead of the darkness he usually finds.

Matty doesn't shake it away though, instead, he pretends that it's George doing this to him, that George is behind him, whispering about how gorgeous he looks and how much he loves seeing Matty this way.

It's that which has Matty shooting across the sheets suddenly as the rim of his arse clenches down around his fingers, his cock twitching in between his thighs as he comes untouched with an almost silent moan that leaves his throat raw and aching.

Matty cleans himself up quickly, tossing the blanket he's come on into the hallway partially to spite Adam, although he knows he'll regret that when he's woken up tomorrow by his yelling if he happens to find it.

Matty still struggles to find sleep even after his heart rate slows down and his limbs are languid and rubbery. This situation feels wrong without George curled around him, and Matty wonders how long it'll take him before he stops missing George every time he comes.

Matty's eyes finally begin to droop when he manages to pick out George's breathing pattern from the other soft sounds filling the bus, timing the rise and fall of his chest with the steady cadence George is maintaining, pretending that he's down there with him instead of alone in a stuffy bunk until he drifts off into an uneasy slumber.

~~~

Their next show is debatably the worst of the tour, and this time not so much because of Matty, it's actually _George_ who is off tonight.

He's drumming like the kit has personally offended him, bringing his sticks down so hard that Matty's almost waiting for them to break on his next stroke.

George's rhythm is off too, he's either too fast or too slow the majority of the time, and no amount of adjustments from any of them is helping things.

Matty's so shocked by George's unusual countenance that he can barely focus on anything else. He sings almost entirely toward George for the first half of the show before he realizes that it's not doing any good, so he eventually gives up and faces front again, attempting not to visibly wince while he has so many eyes on him.

George storms off stage before anyone else can catch up to him, and although Matty searches for him everywhere, including the bus and the hotel that they're staying in, he's nowhere to be found.

Matty sleeps in Adam's room that night, mostly since he doesn't trust himself to be alone right now, but also because he refuses to let George find him in tears when he returns, which is how he spends most of the evening since he can't seem to close his eyes for more than a few moments without drowning in the storm composed of his fears and insecurities involving George that's overtaken his brain.

~~~

Matty breaks not even a week later, which he'd sort of known was inevitable all along.

He's not a strong person, especially not without George there to hold him together, so when his cravings get so bad that he's physically shaking with the need for a line, he gives up entirely, calling up a girl he's bought from before and agreeing to meet her later that night.

Matty barely even feels the suffocating wave of guilt underneath the relief that's currently flooding through his system, and _really_ \- he doesn't care anymore.

He's just as fucked with cocaine as without. He's managed to damage his relationship with George even more than it already was, and since that was his reason for staying clean in the first place, he's honestly lost all of the motivation he had at the beginning of this.

George has been blatantly ignoring him since the show, only speaking to Matty if he initiates conversation, and even then it's forced and uncomfortable.

Matty is half convinced he'd heard George crying last night over the hum of the bus, although when he'd walked by his bunk to check, he'd been met with silence, and George hadn't acknowledged him after he'd stood outside of the drawn curtain for almost five minutes.

George has been mopey and borderline depressed ever since his bad show. He's started drinking more often as well, which Matty can't look down on since he does the same, but George usually only goes for the bottle when they're at a party or out with the other boys. Now he's taken to doing it at all hours of the day, leaving his empty containers around for Matty to find later when he stumbles over them.

Matty's tried to snap him out of it, to spend more time with George, to smile even when he feels like crying, but George doesn't react well to Matty's numerous attempts at cheering him up.

He lets Matty sprawl across him just like always, and he takes him up on his offer for a spiff each time Matty extends it, but he's not himself, they're not the same unit they used to be, and Matty's beginning to fear that they never will be.

So Matty's giving up, he's done trying to save himself, or whatever his intentions had been going into this.

He can't keep living this way, he needs to feel something that isn't misery and despair, so he's going to turn to the one thing that he knows will give that to him without judgment or the need to do anything besides inhale.

He doesn't bother with giving anyone an explanation as to where he's headed before he's out the door, waving quickly to George who is curled up by the window he'd popped open early, blowing smoke across the city skyline in a manner that Matty thinks is almost picturesque.

For a brief moment, he's tempted to climb into George's lap instead, to force himself to talk everything out with him until his head makes sense and they are okay again, but he _doesn't_ , mostly because he's a coward.

George nods in his direction when he catches Matty's eye, his expression remaining dull and uninterested in his surroundings, which has Matty biting his lip roughly as he exits the room.

Matty hates the way his own melancholy has been reflected onto his best friend, he blames himself for that as well, magnifying his burdens which are constantly dragging him down no matter what he does.

Matty knows that what he's about to partake in will add to the stack of mistakes on his shoulders, but maybe this pinnacle piece will be the one that topples the entire structure down, which could either free him from his troubles entirely or leave him suffocating underneath them, and Matty's willing to take that risk.

Matty no longer cares what becomes of him, but the same doesn't apply for whatever is eating away at George.

Matty's been a terrible friend lately, he's aware of that, but he still wants to help George however he can, and now that he's not concentrating on himself any longer, the entirety of his thoughts is occupied with nothing but George.

Matty wonders if something else is wrong with George that doesn't have to do with him as he makes the short walk to the girl's flat, but he can't think of what that would be.

Still - Matty isn't so self centered to assume that all of the issues in George's life revolve around him, but he's used to knowing of them beforehand since they've never kept any secrets from each other before until Matty had started the unpleasant trend.

Whatever the root is, Matty is determined to untangle it from George's mind if at all possible, and if he's suffocated by his own shortcomings in the meantime, then so be it.

He just wants his best friend back, he'd do anything to return George to the version of himself that was always cheerful and carefree, but now Matty barely recognizes him without his signature grin stretching across his face.

Matty decides to speak with him tonight properly, not the pointless chats they've been partaking in lately. If he can't fix himself, maybe he can at least make George smile again. That's something he used to be able to do without ever having to try, and Matty misses those days so much it physically aches when he allows himself to think about how much has changed.

Matty forces himself to clear his head when he spies the girl on the corner waiting for him, a smile pulling at her pink lips when he comes into her line of vision.

Her name is Jessica, Matty met her when she followed the band around for a bit on their last tour, but right now, he's much more focused on what she can give him than catching up.

Jessica can't stop giggling as she leads Matty over to the stairs, her words going in one ear and out the other as Matty tries his hardest to pretend like he's listening.

She comments on his hands which are shaking erratically, using the excuse to entwine her fingers with his, and as awful as it sounds, Matty finds himself wanting to recoil away from the subtle pressure.

Matty allows it though, mostly because he needs a line so badly he'd do much more than this to get it - he probably _will_ do more, but honestly, the thought of sleeping with anyone right now is less than pleasant.

Matty just wants to get high, he needs to feel like himself again, or as close to it as he can get, but also he wishes he was anywhere but here. Jessica's laugh is grating on his nerves, and her palm pressing against his slightly clammy one only reminds him of how much larger George's is, and how he'd rather be touching him right now.

As Jessica pulls out her stash, Matty slides some money her way even though she tries not to take it, but when Matty asks for an eight ball, she grasps the bills reluctantly, passing him the baggie before cutting a few lines for the both to take now, telling Matty that he looks like he needs it, which has his stomach churning uncomfortably, but he can't deny that she's right.

Matty stares down at the white powder with wide eyes, knowing this is his last chance to back out. He's been doing so well, he's probably almost out of the worst of his cravings, but he can't take being this miserable anymore, so he leans down, sealing his fate with a sharp inhalation that leaves his nostril stinging and his eyes watering.

Matty instantly feels a thousand pounds lighter when the high hits him. His chest loosens up and a smile tugs at his lips, but he hates himself for needing an artificial substance to bring him happiness, and the bitterness of that fact taints his joy by a large margin.

Jessica grins at him when they make eye contact before sliding into his lap once she's done cleaning everything up, her thighs stretching her skirt to its limits as she chases after Matty's mouth even when he subconsciously leans away.

Matty lets her kiss him for a bit, moving his lips lazily as he tries to enjoy what's happening, but just like he always does lately, he begins thinking of George instead, and this time, his presence in Matty's mind is overwhelming, inspiring him to grip Jessica lightly by the wrists until she straightens up with a quizzical expression pulling at her painted features.

"What's wrong?" she asks him, an awkward laugh punctuating her question as she squirms back and forth impatiently.

"Nothing...I just - I can't do this. I'm really sorry, but I think I need to go," Matty heaves out, some of his guilt ebbing away as he makes what might be his first smart decision of the evening.

" _Oh_ ," Jessica frowns, highlighting her smudged lipstick with the motion. "Are you sure? I mean - we don't have to do this if you aren't up for it, we could just hang out for a bit?"

"I'm sorry," Matty repeats while shaking his head, gently helping Jessica off of him so he can stand up and grab his coat. "I shouldn't have come at all, but you've been lovely as always. You're coming to Boston right, I'll see you there yeah?"

"I am," Jessica sighs, a pout tugging at her mouth as Matty makes his way to the door. "Can I at least give you a ride back to the hotel? You don't look too good."

"I'll be fine, the walk will clear my head, thank you though love."

"Alright, be safe," Jessica calls after him as Matty all but hurtles down the short hallway, his heart pounding against his ribcage in time with the mantra playing across his brain which is chanting _'George, George, George.'_

Matty's acting irrationally and he knows it, but he needs to see George right now more than anything. He practically runs the short distance back to the hotel, dead set on righting things even though he's just fucked up again.

He doesn't think about how he's still visibly high, or how this might make things even worse, he just wants to be with George, to hear his laugh, to kiss him again, and maybe more.

Avoiding George has been awful, so now that Matty's proven to himself that he's the weak and sullied person he'd always feared he'd end up becoming, he's not going to bother with his noble intentions any longer.

If everything goes to shit, at least Matty has the consolation that he can't feel any worse than he has over these past few weeks.


End file.
